Wyatt: Welcome to the family, Leonard. Don't lend your new brother-in-law money.

Sheldon: Leonard, you and I have our ups and downs. But I have always considered you my family. Even before the recent threat of our parents fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits. I don't always show it, but you are of great importance to me. Both of you.

Penny: So, uh, Randall, can't believe after all these years you finally get to visit me in California.
Randall: Well, good thing I was a nonviolent offender, otherwise I couldn't have left the state.

Leonard: Mary, I'm sorry you're in the middle of this.
Mary Cooper: No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.
Sheldon: What? But he's a mediocre academic. And according to Beverly, his sexual prowess is subpar. He's basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

Wyatt: It's nice to meet the woman who raised this fine young man. I'm looking forward to meeting his father.
Beverly Hofstadter: Prepare to be disappointed.

Penny: Oh, hey, and do yourself a favor, all right? When Beverly gets here, do not bring up last night.
All right? As far as you're concerned, you don't know anything, you didn't see anything. I want you just to play dumb.
*Beverly is standing in the doorway behind Penny, listening to the conversation*
Sheldon: It was nice of her to show us playing dumb with an example.

Beverly Hofstadter: Penny, wait.
Penny: Why?
Beverly Hofstadter: I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.
Leonard: Wait, why? What's wrong?
Sheldon: Wha- Are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what's wrong?

Beverly Hofstadter: I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.
Sheldon: Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Stop it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Do I say "Stop what?" or just throw in the towel?

Leonard: Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay.
Penny: Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.
Beverly Hofstadter: (slowly thinks about it) Well, we can't have that.

Colonel Williams: Hello. I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.
Raj: Howard Wolowitz?
Colonel Williams: I have the right address, don't I?
Raj: Address?
Colonel Williams: Is he here?
Raj: Um, no.
Colonel Williams: Do you know where I can find him?
Raj: May I ask what this is about?
Colonel Williams: No, you may not.
Raj: Very well. (tips his hat)
Colonel Williams: Have him call me.
Raj: Okay.
(Colonel Williams starts to walk away)
Howard: (off-screen) Raj, who's at the door?
Raj: (To Colonel Williams) That's not him.

Penny: Oh, I can't wait for you to meet everyone. I told them all about you.
Susan: Like what? Do they know about your brother?
Penny: Uh, not everything. Just, like, the jail and drugs part.

Susan: Why would you do that?
Penny: What?
Susan: The world doesn't need to know our problems.
Penny: Well, Mom, I'm sorry, but-
Wyatt: Hey, look, they got Walgreens here, too.
Susan: You really think it's helpful to change the subject, Wyatt?
Wyatt: Just trying to make this a happy trip, dear.
Susan: Well, quit it!

Howard: Uh, this is Howard Wolowitz for Colonel Richard Williams.
Raj: Oh, I take it back, don't mention me.
Howard: Hi, Colonel Williams, how can I help you? What? Oh, uh, yes, he is from India. No, I don't know his immigration status. (Raj looks panicked.)
Howard: (To Raj) Relax, I'm still on hold!

Leonard: I'm glad you decided to stay. It's gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you.
Beverly Hofstadter: I can't wait for this day to be over.
Leonard: Yeah, special, like that.

Leonard: That's them. Please don't make things any more awkward than they already are.
Sheldon: All right, so less or equally awkward, got it.