Penny: Hey, since when do you do laundry on a Thursday?
Sheldon: Oh, I had an accident at work, I slipped and fell on my soup sack.
Penny: You know, there was a time I would say "What's a soup sack?" But I'm glad we're past that.

Penny: You know, there was a time I would say "God bless you," and then you would say "If you must invoke an imaginary deity, how about Thor?" And I would say, "How do you know I didn't mean Thor?" And then you would say "Touche," and that there ends the tale of why I no longer say "God bless you."
Sheldon: Well, we have had some fun, haven't we?
Penny: Oh, yeah.

Raj: Does this place look familiar?
Sheldon: It's hard to say.
Bartender: Hey, Sheldon's back!
Everybody: Sheldon!
Sheldon: It's getting clearer.

Stuart: Oh, thanks again for letting me use your laptop last night.
Bernadette: No problem.
Stuart: Was just doing my taxes.
Bernadette: Okay.
Stuart: Actually, if I could if I could just check one more-
Bernadette: Already cleared the browser history.
Stuart: You're a good woman.

Sheldon: My pants are missing, I don't remember anything. Penny, this is your youth. What do I do?

Sheldon: You know, I felt the same way about the spork. Uh, solids and liquids handled by one utensil? That'll never work. Spoiler: works.

Bartender: Here you go.
Sheldon: Oh, thank goodness!
Bartender: One top secret quantum guidance system.
Leonard: You understood the math?
Bartender: No, but Sheldon told me all about it. He told everybody.
Leonard: That's just great.
Bartender: Oh, don't worry, he made us pinky swear we'd keep it a secret.

Howard: Okay, here we go. Six years ago, I got a call that Bernie's great-aunt, Trixie, died.
Stuart: And?
Howard: And I forgot to give her the message.
Stuart: That's terrible.
Howard: The terrible part is, ever since then, I've been sending Bernie Christmas cards from Trixie.
Stuart: Howard!
Howard: Let me finish. And one card had five dollars in it I took from Bernie's purse.

Penny: Are you getting sick?
Sheldon: Of course not. I'm too busy to be sick.
Penny: Well, you're pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn't be pushing yourself so hard.
Sheldon: I'm fine.
Penny: All right. We'll just pretend that you didn't catch a cold watching Frozen.
Sheldon: That didn't happen.
Penny: You also got a nosebleed watching Up.

Bernadette: It's okay, I'm just being emotional about this. Can you not tell Howard?
Stuart: Well, don't you think it'd be healthier if you told him what's going on with you?
Bernadette: Don't you think it'd be healthier if you had your own apartment, grown man?
Stuart: Your secret is safe with me.

Sheldon: B.R.B. That's short for "be right back." I'm saving so much time!

Sheldon: Yeah, I felt the same way about the platypus. You know, bird and mammal in the same creature? No way. And spoiler: way.

Amy: How can he not remember a day?
Penny: Well, people who are abducted by aliens lose time. I mean, maybe it happens to the aliens, too.

Bernadette: Yeah, I mean, with you and my parents, she's gonna be fine.
Stuart: Ah, of course she is.
Bernadette: And that day care is great.
Stuart: It is. I went to check it out, and they are very cautious about letting strange men with no kids peek in the windows.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, I've got Amy up and running. Shall we get to work?
Howard: Uh, before we do, what are you wearing, oh, friend who we pretend is normal?

Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Why did you tell Leonard you're working on the gyroscope tomorrow?
Sheldon: Because I am.
Amy: But you said you were working with me.
Penny: Uh-oh, someone's got two dates to the nerd prom.

Howard: Look, something's going on with Bernadette. She say anything to you?
Stuart: Well, nope, not a word.
Howard: Come on, be honest. Did you tell her I tried her breast pump?
Stuart: No, but I did mention it to my therapist.

Sheldon: What? You hold my hand, you kiss my mouth, but you draw the line at 102 fever? What happened to our love?

Raj: Wait a minute. Hey, let me see your phone.
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Well, it's possible it was tracking everywhere you went.
Amy: Phones can do that?
Raj: Yeah, it depends on the privacy settings.
Penny: Oh, tha- that's so cool. How do you- how do you turn that thing off? (laughing nervously)
Leonard: Relax. I know when you "go for a run," you stop for a donut.
Penny: I don't even run there, I drive.

Sheldon: That's it. I'm in breach of my security clearance. I'm going to prison. And you know what happens to people like me in prison. I'll be forced to be some large man's tutor.

Amy: Did you say you guys are working on the guidance system tomorrow?
Leonard: Yeah, why?
Amy: Well, Sheldon said that he was gonna work with me on our quantum perception project.
Leonard: We've had this planned for a week.
Amy: Well, he reconfirmed with me this morning.
Raj: Guys, before this gets ugly, remember, the winner gets Sheldon.

Bernadette: I just don't know what the right thing to do is. If I go back to work, I'm abandoning Halley. If I don't go, I'm giving up everything I worked for. It's like there's no right choice.
Howard: Look, I don't know what the best decision is, either. But whatever we choose, if we're not happy, we can undo it.
Bernadette: I guess.
Howard: And the best part is: Halley won't remember a thing. (laughs) Babies are cute, but they're dumb.
(chuckles) I mean, I go like this, she thinks I'm gone. Then magically I'm back. I mean, honestly, why are we saving for college?
Bernadette: I'm not crazy about you calling our baby dumb.
Howard: Well, she gets it from me.

Leonard: We came home from work and we found you.
Sheldon: Home from work? What time is it?
Penny: It's 9 o'clock.
Sheldon: 9?! What happened to 8 and 7 and all the other o'clocks?

Bartender: You gonna buy another round for the house?
Sheldon: Uh, no, thank you. (To Leonard) We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.

Leonard: Ask him.
Sheldon: Um, yes. Howdy, partner. Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?
Raj: These here parts?
Sheldon: It's called fitting in. By the way, good luck.

Howard: Speaking of which, for day care, it'll be easy for me to drop her off, unless you want to do it.
Bernadette: Hmm, guess it should be me.
Stuart: I can't do it; they have a picture of me on file now.

Howard: Hey, what's for dinner?
Bernadette: Meatloaf.
Howard: (half-heartedly) Oh, cool.
Bernadette: Stuart made it.
Howard: (upbeat) Oh, cool.

Penny: Hey, Leonard, if you're not busy tomorrow, I have to do a little reception after work.
Leonard: Oh, I would, but we need to make a push on the air force project.
Penny: Oh, are you sure? We're celebrating our new A.D.D. drug, and it'll probably be over in, like, six minutes.

Stuart: Uh, other than burp you or give you a bottle, I don't know what to do right now.

Stuart: What you working on?
Bernadette: Trying to catch up on office e-mails before I go back.
Stuart: Oh, that's right, maternity leave's almost over. Are you excited?
Bernadette: Yeah, I mean, I'll miss Halley, but it'll be nice to get out of the house, be intellectually stimulated. Go out to lunch instead of, you know, (points to her breasts) being lunch.

Leonard: I'm sorry, what is this plan you have?
Sheldon: Well, I'm not needed at both places at the same time. And I can also free up extra hours with simple tricks, such as using a minimal amount of words to convey my point.
Leonard: When does that start?
Sheldon: Soon. See, I could've said "in the near future," but I didn't say "in the near future," 'cause "in the near future" is three more words than "soon." "In" one, "the" two, "near" three, "future" four. See "in the near future" is four, "soon" is just one, four is more than one; saving time already.

Sheldon: Ah, I'm back, you got me for eight minutes.
Amy: Sheldon, this is silly. You can't expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this.
Sheldon: The coefficient isn't lambda, it's lambda sub one. And over here, you should consider the possibility that the brain itself is in two different quantum states. And lastly, do you have any little soup crackers?

Raj: Genius. I was gonna say, "Why does anyone think Sheldon's a genius?" But I didn't.

Bernadette: Plus, I think I'm setting a good example for Halley, to show her that women can be mothers and still have satisfying careers. Sure, she won't know where I went or if I'm ever coming back. That'll just make the ten minutes between when I get home (voice breaking) and her bedtime even more special.

Bernadette: I didn't want to tell you, but I'm having a really tough time about going back to work.
Howard: Oh. Okay, well, I get that. It was hard for me when I went back.
Bernadette: It was?
Howard: Of course. I missed you, and the baby, and being able to watch Ellen every day.

Amy: Do you need anything else?
Sheldon: You know exactly what I need.
Amy: Fine. [sings and plays autoharp] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: That's nice. Now in German.
Amy: [sings and plays autoharp] Weiches Kätzchen, warmes Kätzchen, das nie und nimmer murrt. Liebes Kätzchen, müdes Kätzchen, schnurrt, schnurrt, schnurrt.
Sheldon: Great. Now Mandarin.
Amy: [sings and plays autoharp] Ruǎnmiánmián de xiǎo māomī máoróngrōng, kuàilè kēshuì qīngqiǎo māomī, gūlǔ gūlǔ gūlǔ.
Sheldon: Now Navajo.

Raj: You're not going to prison.
Leonard: But, boy, it is funny to think about.

Howard: Well, I know she's mad at me about something.
Stuart: Well, what have you done that would upset her?
Howard: Oh, gosh, how much time do you have?

Sheldon: Why am I naked from the waist down?
Raj: I don't know where your pants are, but we did find your underwear in a pot on the stove.

Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: Of course, why?
Howard: Well, I don't know, you seem a little upset.
Bernadette: No, I'm fine.
Howard: You sure?
Stuart: Why don't you think she's fine? She sounds fine, she looks fine. If I saw her on the street I'd say, "Damn, that girl's fine!"

Penny: Hey, Raj, do you want to go with me tomorrow?
Raj: Are you asking because you want me there or out of pity? Actually, never mind, don't answer. I'd love to.

Sheldon: And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.

Amy: Sheldon, you're sick, go back to bed.
Sheldon: (stuffy) I am fine. Here, eat your toast. (sneezes on the toast) Sorry.
Amy: It's okay, now I don't need butter.