Quotes from ‘The Athenaeum Allocation’

The Athenaeum Allocation

'The Athenaeum Allocation' - Season 11, Episode 17

When Sheldon and Amy find the perfect place to host their wedding, Leonard is called on to make it happen. Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette struggle to decide who should stay at home with the kids.

Air Date: March 8, 2018.

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: You know, I'm really happy with our wedding date. The month squared equals the square of the sum of the members of the set of prime factors of the day. Isn't that romantic?
Amy: Yes, it's like that Shakespeare sonnet, "Shall I compare thee to a day that's also a really weird math problem."

Quote from Amy

Leonard: Do you guys have a location yet? 'Cause you don't have a lot of time.
Amy: Hey, it took us nine months to pick a date, and a week to decide if brains can have lips on them, so get in the boat and row.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Honestly, it's gonna be hard when we both go back to work. I've been thinking maybe it would be better if one of us decided to stay home.
Raj: I don't know, I was raised by servants, and look at me.
Howard: I literally can't tell if you think that's good or bad.

Quote from Barry Kripke

Leonard: Uh, so, look, I'm here to ask you to give Sheldon and Amy the Athenaeum for their wedding.
Barry Kripke: (laughs) Why would I do that?
Leonard: Because deep down, Barry, you're a really good guy.
Barry Kripke: But am I?

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: Well, I suppose we could pick a different date.
Amy: Well, it took you nine months to choose that one. I'll pick a different husband first.

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: Why did you lie to me?
Leonard: I don't know. It just seemed funny at first and then the longer it went on, funnier it got.

Quote from Raj

Raj: I mean he only drinks milk. Like, where are the colors coming from?

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: When I went by the office they gave me coffee and cookies and no one peed on me. I miss that so much.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Boy, seeing them all together like that has got my biological clock ticking like crazy.
Penny: Yeah, I don't think men have-
Raj: I do.

Quote from Penny

Penny: What is this picture?
Amy: Oh, it's an MRI of our brains photoshopped to look like they're kissing.
Sheldon: Is it too sexy?
Penny: It's too something.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: I just love them so much.
Howard: Me, too. My heart feels like it's gonna explode. Of course, it's full of brisket, so it probably will.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Oh, I didn't even know I was capable of loving someone so much.
Bernadette: More than me?
Howard: Wha--
Bernadette: Uh, I'm just messing with you. I totally love them more than you.
Howard: I get that. I would take a bullet for them. But I would get seriously mutilated for you.
Bernadette: That's sweet. But you should know, if you got seriously mutilated, I might dump you.
Howard: You'd be crazy not to. Even unmutilated, I'm no prize.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Well, we only have two months to find a venue, and I had a thought. What about the Athenaeum club at Caltech?
Sheldon: Albert Einstein was a member there.
Amy: It's beautiful.
Sheldon: Yeah, and Albert Einstein was a member there.
Amy: It's close.
Sheldon: And Albert Einstein was a member there.
Amy: And Albert Einstein was a member there.
Sheldon: Ah. Now you sound like a woman who wants to get married.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Well, on one hand, they filled my tub with scented oils and brought me honeyed sweets; on the other hand, I spent my twenties incapable of talking to women. So you know, pros and cons.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Did Albert Einstein ever sit in any of these chairs?
Kathleen: I think these are fairly new. But Stephen Hawking's eaten here a lot.
Sheldon: Yeah, but he brings his own chair, you know?

Quote from Sheldon

Kathleen: Here's my card. Why don't you two talk it over, and I will check to see if our soup spoons are "deeper than they are wide".
Sheldon: What? Too deep is a ladle, not a spoon.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: I really like it.
Sheldon: Mm. Oh, I must admit, I do, as well. Look at how somber all the men in these portraits are. I feel like that sets a good tone for our wedding.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Is that Leonard?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, these are all dead, accomplished scientists. Leonard will only ever be one of those things.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: Oh, good, you're here. There's (clears throat) something I want to talk to you about.
Bernadette: We're not putting a TV in the bathroom. That's how you get hemorrhoids.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: I know you're upset, but if we want to book the Athenaeum, we really should do it now, and then, I promise, we'll have our whole lives to complain about Leonard.
Sheldon: Aw, somebody got a head start on her vows.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: On the other hand, shaming Leonard during our wedding at the very place he betrayed me does have a beautiful symmetry to it.
Amy: That's nice, it'll be your first petty act as a married man.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Although, it is our wedding. Maybe it shouldn't be all about revenge.

Quote from Barry Kripke

Barry Kripke: Well, well, well. This is a pickle.
Sheldon: Yes, so, if you will just move your birthday party to a different location, everything will be fine.
Barry Kripke: Ugh, it's tricky. I don't want to move my party, but I also don't want to help you. Oh, wait, I don't have a problem.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: That's not much of an apology.
Sheldon: Yeah, because he's not really sorry. Obviously, he wanted a place to go where I wouldn't be and apparently all of outside wasn't enough for him.

Quote from Barry Kripke

Barry Kripke: Hello, Hofstadter.
Leonard: Why are you cleaning that out yourself? Don't you have grad students?
Barry Kripke: Come on, I can't make my grad students do every dirty job or so I've been told in writing by the head of Human Resources.

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: Barry, I've come to ask one more- Leonard? Wh-Why are you doing that?
Leonard: Because deep down Barry is not a good guy.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: I made a deal with him to get you the Athenaeum for your wedding.
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Leonard: Because I was a jerk for lying to you before and besides, you're my best friend. I want you to have the wedding of your dreams.
Sheldon: On Mars?
Leonard: Okay, I want Amy to have the wedding of her dreams.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: We're not going to let Barry win.
Leonard: Well, what are we going to do?
Sheldon: We have a combined IQ of 360. Perhaps more if that radiation gave you a super brain.

Quote from Raj

Howard: Oh, boy. I really passed out hard.
Raj: Yeah, tell me about it. The kids could've screamed bloody murder and you wouldn't have woken up. Which I know because they did.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hey, good news, Amy. We got the Athenaeum.
Amy: Oh, my gosh. That's amazing. How'd you get Barry to change his mind?
Sheldon: Well, I couldn't have done it without Leonard. Boy, you should've seen us in there. We were like Batman and Robin.
Leonard: Why do I have to be Robin?
Sheldon: If you have to ask, you're Robin.

Quote from Leonard

Amy: What happened?
Leonard: Well, we scrubbed out some barrels of irradiated grease, rinsed off in a safety shower and then told Barry Kripke what is what.
Amy: And he just gave in?
Sheldon: Well, we agreed to invite him to the wedding.
Amy: Okay. No problem.
Leonard: And he gets to bring a date.
Amy: Well, that's reasonable.
Sheldon: A-And if she charges by the hour, we have to cover it.
Amy: What else did you agree to?
Leonard: Well, um, you know how Barry has the voice of an angel?
Amy: He is not singing at our wedding.
Sheldon: (stammers) He only wants to sing "Volare."
Leonard: Oh, "Volare". That's what he was saying. Boy, I didn't, I did not get that.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I said some pretty unprofessional things about his work. I may have even used the "S" word.
Amy: Subpar?
Sheldon: I'm not proud of it, Amy, but I have a temper.

Quote from Howard

Howard: You know, fun fact, did you know baby boys can pee straight up?
Raj: Grown-up boys, too.
Leonard: Why would we high-five that?

Quote from Raj

Amy: Good news, we have save the date cards.
Raj: Huh, didn't go with my calligrapher. Interesting.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, I suppose we can give it a look, and if it doesn't work out, I hear that there is a nearby Chinese restaurant that Einstein used to frequent.
Amy: Or, we pick a place we like, and don't worry about Einstein.
Sheldon: Boy, reality TV is right; brides are crazy.

Quote from Raj

Raj: So, how has it been, being home with two kids?
Howard: Oh, tiring, but super rewarding.
Raj: Oh, like Pilates, yeah, got it.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Here's my dilemma, I kind of want to stay home. But Bernadette is a way better parent than I am.
Raj: Wait, does Bernadette want to stay home?
Howard: I don't know. She's really invested in her career, and she's doing great. I think it should be me.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Wow, I admire you, Howard. It would be hard for me to buck traditional gender roles like that.
Howard: Didn't you see Taylor Swift twice this month?
Raj: Yeah, because she's hot, not because she sings my truth.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Well, it seems kind of perfect, and it's close enough to your office, so you can use the bathroom you like.
Sheldon: Mm. I put a sticker over the auto-flush, so it doesn't startle me.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I mean, Leonard and Penny are right there.
Sheldon: But he told me he checked on our membership just last week, and we were still 400th in line.
Amy: I'm sure there's an innocent explanation that won't ruin my day at all.

Quote from Penny

Sheldon: How did you get in here?
Penny: What do you mean? Leonard's a member.
Sheldon: You told me it was incredibly exclusive.
Leonard: Y-Yeah, look, about that, I lied.
Penny: Hey, wait, you told me it was exclusive, too.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. I avoided him and impressed you, all with the same lie.
Penny: Damn, Hofstadter, didn't think you had it in you.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: Uh, I was thinking maybe one of us should stay home full-time, with the kids.
Bernadette: Oh great, so I have to give up my job and everything I've worked for?
Howard: Actually, I was thinking I should stay home.
Bernadette: Oh, so I have to abandon my children and go back to work, while you get to stay home and bond with them?
Howard: You just said you didn't want to.
Bernadette: No, I don't want to have to, but if I want to, I should get to.
Howard: Do you want to?
Bernadette: Maybe I do.
Howard: What if I also want to?
Bernadette: Well, I don't know, we can't both stay home.
Howard: Don't you think you should go back to work, because you make more money?
Bernadette: Don't you think you should make more money?
Howard: I think it's pretty sexist of you to say a dad can't stay home with his children.
Bernadette: You know what else is sexist, the phrase "suck it", yet here we are.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I can't believe Leonard lied to me. What are we gonna find out next, that he's not really lactose intolerant, hmm? He's just friends with an invisible trumpet player?

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: So do we agree? Do we want to get married there?
Sheldon: I don't know. I mean, Einstein was a member. I like that. You know? But Leonard's a member, and that really steams my clams.
Amy: Oh, I love it when you're folksy. I'm just gonna call.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Morning.
Bernadette: Hey, where you been?
Howard: Oh, nowhere special. Just the park, the farmer's market, then we hopped on the Gold Line to Chinatown because it's important for the kids to experience other cultures. What have you been doing?
Bernadette: It's 8:00 a.m. Sleeping.
Howard: Oh. So are the kids. I guess they take after you.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: You're just trying to prove that you'd do a better job than me.
Howard: You're pretty sharp having just woken up.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Howard, we both know you can't keep up this pace. By this afternoon you're gonna be passed out on the couch and I'm gonna have three exhausted babies to deal with.

Quote from Howard

Howard: You know, in fact, why don't you take the day off?
Bernadette: Mm, fine. Maybe I'll have lunch with Penny.
Howard: Take your time. Get a massage. You deserve it after all the sleep you've been getting.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Yeah, so if you could just please leave before I get angry and say something I will regret about your face, your height, your personal hygiene or the fact that your science, while serviceable, lacks panache.
Leonard: That's actually one of the nicest things you've ever said about my work.
Sheldon: And now I regret it. Good-bye.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: Yeah, I just wanted to stop in and see my office before we went to lunch.
Penny: Just a few more weeks, you'll be back full-time, huh?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Penny: Uh-oh. That wasn't a happy "yeah." That was a "Hey, Leonard, do you want to go to the gym?" yeah.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Gerald, what's going on? Hope you're not screwing up my research. You calling from a bike ride? 'Cause you're backpedaling hard.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Bernadette's gonna be home soon. We got to divide and conquer. I'll make dinner. You watch the kids.
Raj: Uh, kids are asleep.
Howard: Great, then you make dinner.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Wait, what? I scrubbed sludge for you. I may be slightly radioactive.
Sheldon: Oh, you're exaggerating. Don't let him touch the silverware.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Why is Raj asleep on our couch?
Howard: Oh. I needed some help so he came by, played with the kids, read them some stories, put them down for their nap and made dinner.
Bernadette: What'd you do?
Howard: Ate dinner.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Well, I love the kids, but I also love my job. And sleep.
Bernadette: I know. I took a two-hour nap on the couch in my office.
Howard: I took a three-hour nap on the floor in the living room.
Bernadette: How do you feel now?
Howard: Honestly? Still tired.
Bernadette: Me, too.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Everyone's asleep. You want to head upstairs and (giggles) you know.
Bernadette: Let's just do it right here.
Howard: Oh, oh, I like the way you think. [They move a plate away, and both put their heads down to sleep]