Howard: Bernie, this is our kid's name. I think we should both agree.
Bernadette: You're right. We both made this baby.
Howard: Thank you.
Bernadette: And I carried it, had to stay in bed for four months, sacrificed my body and my job, and soon it's gonna burst its way out of me like the Kool-Aid Man.
Howard: Exactly. Fifty-fifty.

Penny: Okay, we're gonna start with some nice breathing exercises. (inhales, exhales)
Bernadette: Sorry. I can't think of anything except how flat your belly is.
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Bernadette: Go put on some more clothes, you bitch.

Raj: What about Sherman? Like, Sherman Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, that's a kid who's gonna take his mother to prom.
Amy: Hey, Howard, you did that, right?
Howard: I didn't take her. She chaperoned. (chuckles) We slow-danced once.

Howard: I can't believe her. She knows I don't want to name the baby after her dad.
Amy: What did you want to name him?
Howard: I don't know. We were gonna wait until we saw what he looked like.
Amy: Well, it's a baby. Her dad's a wrinkly bald man. That wasn't gonna break your way.

Bernadette: You know what, maybe we should go.
Howard: Did you have another contraction?
Bernadette: No. I'm just worried that Sheldon's gonna say "mucus plug" again.
Sheldon: And I'm worried one's gonna hit me in the eye.
Howard: Yep, it's time.

Raj: Hey, everything okay?
Howard: Yeah! The baby was born about an hour ago.
Raj: (gasps) Dude, why didn't you call me?!
Howard: (chuckles) The only way I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.

Amy: I'm trying to get our grant proposal together. Any chance you've finished up those mechanical drawings?
Howard: Oh, sorry. I was gonna do it last night, but I got kind of busy.
Raj: Yeah, you did.
Amy: What are they talking about?
Sheldon: I'll give you a hint. It's something that we have done four times.
Amy: Watched La La Land?
Sheldon: What? No. No. I've not watched La La Land four times. If you find the soundtrack on my phone, that's just 'cause our iTunes accounts are linked.

Amy: I've always liked the name Elliott.
Leonard: Sorry, can't have it. That's my boy name.
Amy: I said it first.
Leonard: It's not like calling dibs.
Amy: Yes, it is. It's exactly like that. Dibs on Elliott.
Leonard: I'm just saying, we might get there first. You only have sex once a year. I'll probably have sex tonight. [Penny looks at Leonard] Fine, you can have Elliott.

Sheldon: Okay, first, we need to roll to determine the weather.
Bernadette: It's a desert. Isn't it gonna be hot?
Sheldon: (rolling dice, looking at the manual, rolling dice again, looking at the manual again) ... Yes.

Howard: Michael? Really, you think we're naming him Michael?
Bernadette: Not now, Howard. I'm in the middle of a game.

Howard: [entering the kitchen] I can't believe you're trying to hijack our son's name. [looking for Bernadette] Bernie?
Bernadette: This is as fast as I move! Calm down!

Bernadette: What's wrong with Michael? It's my dad's name.
Howard: I don't want to name our son after your father.
Bernadette: I didn't want to say this, but he's dying.
Howard: He is?
Bernadette: Eventually. I mean, you see the way the man eats.
Howard: Okay, is this the hormones, or have you always been a lunatic?
Bernadette: I don't even know anymore.

Sheldon: Don't worry. I don't expect you to bear them all. I'm sure we can find a suitable uterus to rent. [looks to Penny]
Leonard: No!
Penny: Uh-uh!
Amy: We weren't thinking about you.
Sheldon: Of course not. (grunts) I am going to the kitchen. Can I get anybody anything? Penny, nice glass of milk and a multivitamin?

Amy: I think I got Bernadette in trouble. Maybe we should go.
Sheldon: I-I can't. She and I are playing Campaign for North Africa.
Amy: (sighs) She doesn't want to play that.
Sheldon: Neither did the Egyptians, but that didn't stop Rommel.

Raj: Hey! [carrying food] I brought Chinese.
Penny: [pointing to Raj] And I brought Indian.

Bernadette: Okay, if it's not Michael, then what do you want to name him?
Howard: Harry, like Potter or Houdini.
Bernadette: It doesn't bother you that I have an old boyfriend named Harry?
Howard: Okay. How 'bout Al or Max or Ted or Kevin?
Bernadette: Same answer.

Bernadette: I'm sorry I tried to sneak the name past you.
Howard: That's okay.
Bernadette: I'm sorry I used up so many good names in college. I was really competitive with my roommate.
Howard: Forget about it. Please.

Penny: You know, I always thought Christian was a nice name.
Howard: I don't know. Sounds a little too uncircumcised.

Bernadette: If you really want to help, put on a rubber glove, reach on up there and start pulling.
Penny: I know you're joking, but I grew up on a farm. I'll do it.

Bernadette: What about Paul?
Howard: Paul. Paul Wolowitz.
Raj: I like it. Ooh, like "Koothra-Paul-i."
Bernadette: Okay, you ruined it.

Sheldon: All right, that moves us on to the tactical shipping phase. Penny, I believe, as logistics commander, that's you.
Penny: Okay. [waving a white napkin] I surrender.
Sheldon: Nice try, Penny. It takes more than everybody not enjoying it to stop a game with Sheldon Cooper.

Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: Uh, I think that was a contraction.
Howard: Is it time? Do we need to go to the hospital?
Bernadette: No. We've been through this before. My water hasn't even broken yet.
Sheldon: Never mind your water. Has your mucus plug popped out?
Bernadette: Ew, no!
Sheldon: Oh, you're right. We probably would've heard that.
Penny: It's not a champagne cork. Although that would be festive.

Bernadette: You know what, maybe we're putting too much pressure on this. It doesn't matter what we name him. He's gonna be amazing.
Howard: You're right. This kid is part you and part me.
Bernadette: Yeah. He's gonna be smart and kind and funny.
Howard: If he cracks five-foot-six, it'll be a miracle.

Howard: How you feeling?
Bernadette: Eh. But I am really excited to meet our son.
Howard: Me, too. I thought I'd be super freaked out. But I'm ready for this. Well, not the part where you're in labor and you squeeze my fingers till they turn blue.
Bernadette: I'm sorry. That must be really painful for you.
Howard: It is. I mean, last time, I- Okay, I see what you're doing.

Penny: When did you pick out our kids' names?
Leonard: Remember that day you moved into the building?
Penny: (chuckles) Yes.
Leonard: A non-creepy amount of time after that.

Sheldon: Yeah, not to brag, but Amy's last birthday brought my coital tally up to four.
Leonard: Whatever you're doing, it's not bragging.

Bernadette: Ah, come on!
Sheldon: Welcome to the next five to eight weeks of your life.
Bernadette: Sheldon, I said I didn't want to play your game.
Sheldon: Well, then don't think of it as a game. Think of it as a source of information about one of the lesser known campaigns of World War II.
Bernadette: You're right. That's so much better.
Sheldon: I know, right?

Sheldon: See, see. Look at my Netflix queue. There's two documentaries and the movie Friends with Benefits, which I thought was a documentary about employer health care plans.

Sheldon: I believe today is Bernadette's due date.
Howard: Yeah. How do you know that?
Sheldon: Easy. 40 weeks from the date of her last period.
Howard: And why do you know that?
Sheldon: Well, excuse me for taking an interest in people.

Penny: Okay, we go down and back up. ... And back up!
Bernadette: Yeah, hearing you is not the problem.

Bernadette: Howie? Howie, wake up. It's time.
Howard: Oh. Did your water break?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Are you feeling any contractions?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Wait. Well, where are you going?
Bernadette: To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.

Sheldon: Hello.
Bernadette: Let me guess. You're here to try to get me to go into labor.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I'm disgusted when people sneeze, and that's just stuff coming out of their nose.

Sheldon: Suez? Birth? It's a big night for canals.

Bernadette: Come on, baby. Get out here right now and I'll buy you a pony.

Howard: Honey, babies don't always come on their due date. Halley was two weeks late. [seeing Bernadette's stare] But this baby's a boy. They don't take as long to get ready.

Howard: I'm not gonna fight her. That kid's head was the size of a cantaloupe.

Sheldon: Hey, I was just talking about you.
Amy: Oh, should I ask?
Leonard: You should not.

Sheldon: Guys. Guys, wake up. Terrible news.
Penny: Oh, my God. What, what, what? Is it the baby?
Sheldon: No. No, no, we miscalculated our unassigned armor class units. We need to start over.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, not from the beginning. Just from when the tanks started moving.
Leonard: (sighs) That was five hours ago.
Sheldon: Mm, no. No, that was two hours ago. It only feels like five.

Bernadette: What are you doing?
Howard: I'm making the situation better with humor.
Bernadette: Are you?
Howard: Would you rather me make it better with magic?
Bernadette: Go back to sleep.

Leonard: So, any day now.
Howard: Oh, I don't know. We went to the doctor this morning, and she said it could still be another week or two.
Raj: How's Bernadette holding up?
Howard: It's pretty rough. She's having a hard time.
Leonard: Why are you smiling? I had sex twice last night.
Raj: That's not fair! She's on bed rest. She can't run away.
Howard: It was her idea. She read that it can start labor.
Raj: Hmm. Is that true?
Howard: Well, I would have Googled it, but I was busy taking my pants off.

Sheldon: You know, it can take some time for pigment to form. You're still not out of the woods.

Leonard: Hey, what'd you name him?
Howard: Neil Michael. Neil for Armstrong, Gaiman, and Diamond. Michael because Bernie had to get six stitches.

Amy: Sheldon, we're talking about something important here.
Sheldon: (sighs) Fine. If you pick a baby name, can we get back to playing?
Bernadette: Sure.
Sheldon: All right, here we go. Ranatanata.
Raj: You can't name him Ranatanata.
Sheldon: Oh, right, it's a boy. That'd be ridiculous. (gasps) What about Ozymandias?
Penny: Are you making these up or having a stroke?
Sheldon: Ozymandias is from a poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley. Oh, oh! Bysshe Wolowitz. Solved. Back to the game. Heyo! Sandstorm!

Sheldon: Bernadette, it's your turn.
Bernadette: What about Greg?
Sheldon: All right, I'll just roll for you. Ooh! That is a good one! Your troops' morale rating is pretty high.
Now, Leonard, as the defender, we need to subtract your morale rating from Bernadette's to get a final adjusted morale rating for the assault. And I will just check the assault differential column. Ooh! Who said war was hell? Yeah, that's a rhetorical question. Sherman said it.

Penny: You know, when my yoga instructor was pregnant, she told me there are tons of poses that put her right into labor.
Bernadette: I'll try, but I feel like bendy poses are what got me into this mess.

Sheldon: Hey, Bernadette, it's your turn. Penny's air force is strafing your supply line in Tobruk.
Bernadette: We're kind of busy.
Sheldon: Okay, but you're being pretty rude. Everyone did come over to play this game with you.

Amy: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: Sheldon texted and said Bernadette wanted us all to come over.
Sheldon: The game's best with five to ten players.

Raj: I'm telling you, there's an acupressure point right above your ankle that can induce contractions.
Bernadette: All right, but just a warning. My feet are a little swollen.
Raj: Oh, please, Bernadette. I'm sure this ... okay.
Bernadette: What?
Raj: Nothing. Your ankles look fine, and not at all like I just popped open a can of crescent rolls.

Leonard: My mother believes that if you're not prepared mentally, it can delay your body from going into labor.
Bernadette: So what are you trying to say? It's my fault?
Leonard: (sighs) Raj is crazy. Your ankles aren't that gross.

Sheldon: No. I am here to sit with you and keep you company.
Bernadette: Oh, that's nice.
Sheldon: Yeah, by playing the most complicated board game ever invented: Campaign for North Africa. I bought it off eBay. It smells a little like chili, but all the pieces are there.

Howard: So you're just gonna name him Michael? Were you even gonna tell me?
Bernadette: I told you.
Howard: When?
Bernadette: Oh, right. That was Amy.

Sheldon: You wish. You are hundreds of hours away from the middle.

Howard: Are there any engineers on the grant committee?
Amy: I don't know. Why?
Howard: I didn't have time to figure out the three-input hydraulic manifold, so this diagram is really just a flux capacitor from Back to the Future.

Howard: Hey, I just wish I could be there when you present it.
Amy: That's okay. It's more important that you spend time with Michael.
Howard: Who's Michael?
Amy: Uh, your son?
Howard: No, it's not. My son doesn't have a name yet.
Amy: (long silence) Okay, well, then, Bernadette's son.

Leonard: Some people name their kids after places.
Howard: Like what, Walla Walla Wolowitz?
Sheldon: If you think that is better than Ozymandias Wolowitz, then you have been breathing in the poisonous gas that my troops illegally dispersed.

Sheldon: Yeah, I like the name Elliott. That wasn't on my list, but I like it.
Raj: We've heard your names. They're ridiculous. And I have a cousin named Dilip.