Amy: So, you're just gonna sit here by yourself and do nothing?
Sheldon: Of course not. I'm going to write mean comments about Wil's show online.
Amy: Well, you can't criticize something you haven't seen.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, are you familiar with the Internet?

Sheldon: Oh, Amy. Good, you're here.
Amy: Hi. What's up?
Sheldon: How would you like to be on television?
Amy: Is it gonna be a news story where I have to say you were quiet and kept to yourself and I'm as shocked as anyone?

Sheldon: I don't want my relationship with Amy to be like that.
Raj: Sheldon, Amy knew what she was getting into.
Sheldon: You think?
Raj: Yes, we warned her.

Raj: I thought you were boycotting Wil's show.
Sheldon: I was, but I decided to give it a shot, and I actually enjoyed it. Just out of curiosity, how did you come to be on the show? Did he ask you? Did you ask him? Did you just show up on the set and ring that doorbell?
Howard: Sheldon, if you want to be on the show, you're gonna have to apologize to Wil.
Sheldon: That would be the mature thing to do. Let's put a pin in that and keep thinking.

Leonard: Maybe it is a little like Penny. Any chance she'll be flattered?
Bernadette: I don't know. She's pretty mean.
Leonard: Ilsa or Penny?
Bernadette: Exactly.

Sheldon: I'm just a regular guy, with a regular enemies list. Which, by the way, you are no longer on.
Wil Wheaton: Really? Well, that is something. It's not something that I care about, but it is something.

Amy: I'm all for promoting women in science, but I don't really want to be on Wil's show.
Sheldon: Is it because kids may be there, and they're known carriers of head lice? I get that.
Amy: Sure, that's the reason.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. You're always bragging that lice aren't attracted to you because your scalp is so oily. That was on your dating profile.

Wil Wheaton: [on TV] It's time for Professor Proton's science joke of the day. Why can you not trust atoms?
Sheldon: Hmm.
Wil Wheaton: [on TV] Because they make up everything.
Sheldon: Oh, that's funny! Yeah, because they do. They make up everything.

Penny: You know what? It's fine. Write whatever you want. And by the way, Logan Dean can tell everyone he's five-eight, but he's not fooling anybody!

Leonard: I mean, I-I didn't intend to write about Penny, but I guess maybe subconsciously I did.
Beverly Hofstadter: I believe you mean "unconsciously," dear.
Leonard: Yeah, sure. You know, it would be nice if you didn't correct me all the time.
Beverly Hofstadter: It would be nice if I didn't have to.

Wil Wheaton: Well, that is our show for today. And I want to say a very special thank you to Dr. Amy Fowler for being here. It was a real pleasure having you.
Amy: And you can feel that pleasure because you don't have a lesion in your nucleus accumbens.
Wil Wheaton: I really hope I don't.

Wil Wheaton: Hello, Sheldon. I suppose you've come here to tell me that you've moved me to your super secret enemies list.
Sheldon: I don't have a super secret enemies list. I'm not a Bond villain. I'm just a regular guy, with a regular enemies list.

Penny: What's that noise?
Leonard: Oh, it's my new keyboard. It looks and sounds like an old-fashioned typewriter. It makes me feel like a real novelist.
Penny: You poured yourself a Scotch.
Leonard: Apple juice.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: But unsweetened, like Hemingway used to drink.

Sheldon: I'm so proud of you.
Amy: And I'm proud of you.
Sheldon: Because you can't tell how jealous I am?
Amy: No, no, no. I can. But I can tell how hard you're trying to keep it in.
Sheldon: Really hard.
Amy: I'm gonna go to bed.
Sheldon: All right, I'm gonna go scream on the roof.

Sheldon: Well, regardless, I can change.
Howard: Sure.
Raj: Yeah, of course you can.
Sheldon: You know, everybody thinks I'm so predictable. Well, tomorrow I'm gonna show up at work and do something no one will expect.
Howard: Wear a baseball cap backwards to prove your point?
Sheldon: ... Yes, but which hat?
Raj: Gryffindor.
Sheldon: Well, now that you guessed it, I'm not gonna do it.
Raj: Yeah, you will.
Sheldon: Yeah.

Amy: I thought we were having dinner at Leonard and Penny's.
Sheldon: Oh, no. No, they're watching the new Professor Proton. I can't keep Wil Wheaton off the Internet, but I can keep him off my retinas.

Sheldon: So you're saying everyone walks on eggshells to spare my feelings?
Howard: No, of course not, because we don't want to hear you complain about how much you hate the sound of crunching eggshells.

Raj: Yeah. Like just now I wanted to get a croissant, but I didn't want to hear you say, "Ooh, la, la."

Sheldon: I just learned some very distressing news. Sometimes, Amy doesn't do things because she's worried about how I'll react.
Howard: First of all, it's not sometimes, it's always.
Raj: Second, it's not Amy, it's everybody.
Howard: And third, it's not news, it's well-established.

Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's, I'm trying to show you that I can change. I don't want you to miss out on things because of me.
Amy: I know you don't.
Sheldon: You know, and maybe somewhere out there, there is a little girl who will see you on Wil's show and realize that she, too, can grow up to be a brilliant, amazing, successful scientist.
Amy: Thank you.
Sheldon: Who is really terrible at chess.
Amy: Got it.
Sheldon: No, no, no. I mean really bad. What was your queen doing over there, going shopping?

Bernadette: Boy, I don't know how people who aren't on bed rest keep up with the Kardashians.
Penny: Well, sometimes you have to read in your car while your husband thinks you're working late.

Sheldon: Wil Wheaton wants you to be on Professor Proton.
Amy: That's nice, but I'm not really interested.
Sheldon: What do you mean? But he wants to talk about women in science. You're a woman, you're in science. You go, girl.

Bernadette: So, does Penny know you based a character on her?
Leonard: What character?
Bernadette: Ilsa, the head of the institute. That's clearly Penny.
Leonard: No, it's not.
Bernadette: Really? Confident, ball-busting beauty who's always rolling her eyes at Logan?
Leonard: Trust me, that describes more women than you think.

Raj: I don't know which Hemsworth is playing Logan Dean, but I know it's a Hemsworth.
Leonard: Well, Logan's actually based on me.
Raj: So a young Paul Giamatti.

Leonard: And then, when the lights come back on in the supercollider room, Dr. Logan Dean makes two important discoveries, gluino (gruffly) and murder.
Howard: Oh, gluino. That's exciting.
Leonard: (gruffly) And murder.
Howard: (gruffly) I heard you. The first time.

Amy: Well, what if I watch it with you? Maybe I won't like it and we can complain about it together.
Sheldon: Get your own thing to complain about.
Amy: Oh, trust me, I've got one.

Howard: Hey, Professor Proton.
Wil Wheaton: Hey, thanks for being here.
Howard: No problem. I'm on my "launch" break.

Amy: Do you feel bad you told Wil Wheaton that you'd be his enemy if he did this show?
Sheldon: No. I feel bad I'm engaged to somebody that would point that out.

Sheldon: So you're not going to do something just because you think it might upset me?
Amy: Well, it's tricky, because answering that question honestly is one of the things I tend not to do because it upsets you.
Sheldon: Well, that's very upsetting.
Amy: Like I said.

Leonard: Got to go.
Beverly Hofstadter: I think you mean "have to"- [Leonard closes his laptop]

Sheldon: What other things don't you do because of me?
Amy: Remember last week when we went to that dueling piano bar I was so excited about?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Well, now you're getting it.

Amy: Are you sure that's the move you want to make?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Amy: Okay. Checkmate.
Sheldon: Oh, I did not see that coming. That's well played, Amy.
Amy: What's going on?
Sheldon: You beat me, and I am responding with humility and admiration. What does it look like?
Amy: You let me win so you could show me how emotionally mature you are, didn't you?
Sheldon: Well, I couldn't wait for you to actually beat me; that would take forever.

Penny: I know I'm Ilsa.
Leonard: Wha-? That is crazy. You-you two are totally different.
Penny: How?
Leonard: Well, you- She- Her name's Ilsa.

Amy: Look, at least if you watch it, maybe you can find more specific things to criticize.
Sheldon: Oh, that is a good point. Criticisms are more hurtful when they're specific.

Wil Wheaton: [on TV] Hey, everybody. I'm Professor Proton. Welcome to the show. Today I will be teaching you how to make a real hovercraft using common household items.
Sheldon: Darn it, I do like objects that hover.
Wil Wheaton: [on TV] All you will need is a CD, a bottle cap, a balloon, and some super glue.
Sheldon: Oh, no! I have all those things!

Penny: So, how's the book coming along?
Leonard: Uh, good. I just wrote the part where the hero, hotshot physicist Logan Dean, arrives at CERN.
Penny: Oh, is he based on you?
Leonard: Uh, kind of. But he can eat dairy products without having to leave the room.
Penny: Yeah, that's smart, because CERN is in Switzerland and there's a lot of cheese there.
Leonard: Hmm. Uh, believe me, that is a plot point later.

Leonard: Oh. Oh! I just thought of the murder weapon!
Penny: Swiss army knife?
Leonard: (laughs) No. [after Penny leaves] That's way better.

Sheldon: Look, it works! We did it!
Amy: See, there was a reason to keep that TurboTax CD.
Sheldon: Yeah. A CD-ROM? More like "CD-vroom."

Sheldon: I know that you were on Wil's show, and I know why you didn't tell me.
Howard: Do you?
Sheldon: Because you were afraid that I would be difficult and annoying about it.
Howard: (chuckles) I hope your book has a twist as surprising as that.
Leonard: It doesn't.

Bernadette: Speaking of which, he came by yesterday to show me his book.
Penny: Oh, and-and what did you think?
Bernadette: I liked it.
Penny: Really? The Ilsa character didn't bother you?
Bernadette: Oh, he was exaggerating. You're not really like that.
Penny: Well, I know I'm not like that. The character was based on you.
Bernadette: I don't know what to tell you. When I brought it up with Leonard, he said it was you.
Penny: Well, when I brought it up, he got all squirrelly and left the room. Son of a bitch.

Wil Wheaton: [on TV] Oh, I wonder who that could be.
Sheldon: Just when I thought this couldn't get any better, Wil has introduced suspense into the show.
Wil Wheaton: [on TV] Hey, it's real NASA astronaut, Howard Wolowitz!
Sheldon: (loudly) What?!

Sheldon: How could Wil ask Howard to be on his show and not me?
Amy: Well, he is an astronaut. And he didn't start an online petition to get Wil fired.
Sheldon: But why wouldn't Howard tell me?
Amy: Well, because he probably worried that you'd be a big baby about it.
Sheldon: All those answers make a lot of sense. Thank you, Amy. That helps.

Penny: It's pretty obvious; blonde, mean, glasses.
Leonard: It doesn't say "glasses."
Penny: Oh, really?
Leonard: But it will, because Ilsa does. And you know who else wears them? Bernadette. And-and that's her, cause it's, it's totally, it's totally her.

Penny: I can't wait to see who the killer is. Is it that Ilsa girl? She seems pretty mean.
Leonard: But adorably mean, like a baby lion?
Penny: No, regular mean, like a regular lion.

Wil Wheaton: I want to have more female scientists represented on the show, and I thought maybe Amy might be interested?
Sheldon: Or wouldn't it be nice to have us both on, to show that even female scientists can land a man?
Howard: I said sorry.

Sheldon: Howard, I want you to know that I forgive you.
Howard: I'll take it.
Leonard: What's he forgiving you for?
Howard: Don't care. Clean slate. Happy Yom Kippur to me.

Bernadette: But this is good so far, really good.
Leonard: Yeah?
Bernadette: Yeah. I have no idea who the killer is.
Leonard: Oh, great. Me, neither.

Leonard: Well, I have to finish writing it before they can make it into a movie, and I still have a few things to figure out.
Howard: You should talk to Bernadette. Since she's been on bed rest, she's binged, like, every detective show in the world.
Raj: Oh, there was a funny detective show in India called Karamchand. He had an assistant named Kitty, and he was always saying, "Shut up, Kitty!" Sounds less mean if you say it in Hindi and don't think of women as having feelings.