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Quotes from ‘The D & D Vortex’

The D & D Vortex

The D & D Vortex
Season 12, Episode 16 - Aired February 21, 2019

After Sheldon discovers that Wil Wheaton hosts a Dungeons and Dragons game for his famous friends, the guys set out to claim a seat at the table.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Kids' Choice Award? Why would they let kids choose anything? They're basically human larvae.
Wil Wheaton: Well, they are kind of our target audience.
Sheldon: Greetings, children. Toys, am I right?
Amy: He is. He has hundreds of them.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Okay, imagine you're looking in a mirror. The image you see looks just like you. That's called symmetrical.
Sheldon: Now imagine you have a billion mirrors, and each of them reflects one thing about you correctly and a billion things about you incorrectly. And imagine the set of incorrect things are floating in an abstract n-dimensional hyperspace. Now imagine there was never a mirror to begin with.

Quote from Amy

Raj: I wonder who else is playing.
Leonard: I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.
Howard: Yes.
Leonard: Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole Next Gen cast-
Penny: So this is the rest of our night, huh?
Amy: Oh, no, this is the rest of our lives.

Quote from Raj

Howard: William Shatner, Kevin Smith. Who else could be there?
Leonard: Do you see what I see over his shoulder?
Howard: Is that a ghost?
Raj: I think it's Stuart.
Sheldon: That is Stuart. What-What's he doing there?
Raj: Maybe he died in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own murder.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: My dad and I watched you win back-to-back championships.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: And I watched you sniff Joe's hair when he wasn't looking.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton: All right, Professor Proton fans, get ready to meet Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, a pair of real-life scientists who may win the Nobel Prize. That's like the Kids' Choice Award, but with more science and less slime.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton: So you two have discovered something that a lot of people are really excited about.
Amy: We have.
Wil Wheaton: Now, before you explain it, keep in mind that our average viewer is this many.

Quote from Sheldon

Wil Wheaton: Oh, was that a doorbell?
Amy: I didn't hear anything.
Wil Wheaton: [doorbell rings] Huh, there it is again. Sheldon, why don't you answer it?
Sheldon: But I don't know who it is.
Wil Wheaton: Maybe it's a special guest who I invited just to surprise you. Why don't you open it up and find out.
Sheldon: This is a terrible message to send to children. Children, you never open the door if you don't know who's on the other side. You always make your mommy or daddy do it while you hide under the bed and try to imagine what your superhero name will be when you avenge their deaths.
Amy: I'll get it.
Sheldon: But it can't be the Silver Shadow. That's mine.

Quote from Sheldon

William Shatner: Hello.
Sheldon: Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.
William Shatner: You can call me Bill.
Sheldon: Ooh, can I call you Captain?
William Shatner: No.
Sheldon: Please?
William Shatner: No.
Sheldon: [whispers] Please?
William Shatner: Sure.
Sheldon: And w-will you call me Science Officer Cooper?
William Shatner: This has got to stop.
Sheldon: I think you know how to make it stop.
William Shatner: Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.

Quote from Leonard

Howard: So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
Sheldon: [chuckles] Very funny, get it all out.
Leonard: Like you did on William Shatner?

Quote from Howard

Sheldon: I will admit the meeting did not go the way I wanted.
Howard: [imitating Shatner] Because you barfed where no man has barfed before?

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton: Now's not a good time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: For what?
Wil Wheaton: You.

Quote from Stuart

Raj: Cut the crap. We know where you were. We know what you were doing.
Stuart: Yeah, I just told you. I was at CVS breathing my ass off.
Sheldon: Oh, you were breathing, all right. You were breathing the rarefied air of celebrities.
Stuart: I don't know what you're talking about.
Raj: Then why are you trembling?
Stuart: I'm always trembling.

Quote from Stuart

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: I don't want to play anymore. It's too much pressure.
Wil Wheaton: Why, what happened?
Stuart: I've-I've said too much.
Wil Wheaton: You haven't said anything.
Stuart: Not to you, to them.
Wil Wheaton: Who's them?
Stuart: Ah! Now I have said too much!

Quote from Leonard

Wil Wheaton: You come face to face with a massive monster with a gaping maw full of teeth, three huge legs, and flailing tentacles. What do you do?
William Shatner: Fellas, it looks like we're facing a, an otyugh. Here's the plan-
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hold on there, Bill.
William Shatner: Now what, Kareem?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: How do we know it's not a Neo-otyugh?
William Shatner: Same way I know the difference between an owlbear and a bugbear. Does that answer your question?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: No.
Joe Manganiello: Look, there's one way to settle this: we chop it up and look at the pieces.
Kevin Smith: Oh, come on, why do you always got to attack everything? Why can't we just try talking to it?
Joe Manganiello: Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: What do you think, Leonard?
Leonard: I think this is the greatest day of my entire life.
William Shatner: It's all right, buddy, one day you'll meet a girl.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: All right, I'll tell you. Uh, [stammers] Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.
Penny: Wait-wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
Leonard: I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him
Penny: How do you not know him?
Leonard: Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy that played the werewolf on-on True Blood, he was there.
Penny: Wh-- Joe Manganiello?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Penny: From Magic Mike?
Leonard: What's that?
Penny: Okay, okay, did he look like this?
Leonard: He had his clothes on, but, yeah.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Amy: Oh, I, uh, think Sheldon might have left something.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you mean, besides his lunch?

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Hey, guys.
Sheldon: What are you smiling about?
Leonard: What? This is my regular face.
Howard: No, it's not. Y-Your regular face is more like this-
Raj: No, no, i-it's-it's more in the eyebrows, like this.
Leonard: Okay, make your jokes. I'm still in a great mood. [phone ringing] Hey. Wait, what? Why? Oh, come on, but O-Okay, fine.
Sheldon: Huh, Raj was right, it is more in the eyebrows.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Speaking of putting dollars in things I loved you in Magic Mike.
Joe Manganiello: [chuckles] Thanks. [to Wil Wheaton] Switch places with me.

Quote from Penny

William Shatner: Are we playing musical chairs or Dungeons & Dragons?
Penny: Yeah, let's teach that ogre what my broadsword tastes like.
William Shatner: I like your moxie.
Penny: Aw, and I like your grandpa words.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Amy: Thank you again for inviting us, and don't worry, we won't tell the guys.
Wil Wheaton: You know what, why don't you tell the guys? In fact, let's all take a picture and send it to them right now.
[phones buzzing]
Raj: That's weird.
Leonard: We deserve that.

Quote from Raj

Howard: Oh, poor Shatner.
Raj: Poor Shatner? I have to eat lunch now.

Quote from Raj

Leonard: Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should-
Howard: Make fun of him?
Leonard: A lot.
Raj: Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: Okay, just so we're all on the same page.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, the next time I meet him, it will go better.
Raj: Next time? What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
Sheldon: Wil will give me another chance. He thinks the world of me.
Leonard: Aw. One of the reasons I love you is you actually believe that.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Kevin Smith: Wil, come on, I cast fireball, you need to roll your dexterity save.
Wil Wheaton: I'll be right there.
Sheldon: Are you playing Dungeons & Dragons?
Wil Wheaton: No.
Kevin Smith: Would you hurry up, man, the map says this dungeon's full of dragons.
Wil Wheaton: Still no.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Sheldon: Who are you playing with?
Wil Wheaton: Ugh it's just some friends, you don't know them.
William Shatner: Wheaton, get back here. Hobgoblins are at the gate, and you're at the door buying Girl Scout Cookies.
Sheldon: Is that William Sha-?
Wil Wheaton: Nope.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Hey, you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs.
Maisel"?
Penny: Nope.
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Certainly not.
Raj: You don't even know what it's about.
Bernadette: Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?
Raj: That's so much better than what I had. Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.
Howard: I'd read that.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.
Leonard: How do you know?
Raj: Who was there?
Amy: Why are you damp?
Sheldon: I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.
Howard: Oh, that means they must be really famous.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Why would Wil invite Stuart and not us?
Bernadette: I know the answer.
Penny: Yeah. We all know the answer.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: Hey, guys.
Howard: You're home late.
Stuart: Uh, yeah. I had a crazy night. I went to the pharmacy. I like to be there when the new decongestants drop.

Quote from Stuart

Leonard: We know you were at Wil's D&D game. We saw you on Instagram. We just want to know how you got invited.
Stuart: I can't talk about it or they won't invite me back next week.
Leonard: So there's another game next week.
Stuart: I didn't mean to say that.
Howard: Who's in it?
Stuart: I can't tell you!
Raj: How do we get invited?
Stuart: I don't know!
Sheldon: How many hit dice are they playing the wereboar as having?
Stuart: 12d8 + 24. I mean, I don't know!

Quote from Howard

Wil Wheaton: Hello.
Howard: [imitating Shatner] Wil, Bill Shatner here.
Wil Wheaton: Is this Howard?
Howard: Of course not. It- It's Shatner. If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, Christopher Walken. [imitating Walken] Hello, Bill and I are just hanging out at The Polo Lounge.
Raj: Mr. Shatner, Mr. Walken, here are your martinis. [glass dings]
Howard: [whispering in normal voice] What are you doing?
Raj: I'm filling out the world.
Howard: You're ruining it.
Wil Wheaton: No, he's not.
Raj: Thanks, Wil.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Sheldon, why are you walking everywhere?
Sheldon: Just get a horse. I had a horse. It got hit by a train.
Leonard: Get another one.
Sheldon: I can't just replace Chauncey. I'm still in the grieving process.

Quote from Leonard

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Leonard, I have an opening in my D&D game next week, and I was wondering if you were interested in playing.
Leonard: Well, yes, thank you.
Wil Wheaton: Okay, great. Now, here's the thing, you can't tell anyone. I'm serious, not Howard, not Raj, and certainly not Sheldon.
Leonard: Okay.
Wil Wheaton: I'm really sorry to put you in a position where you have to lie to your friends-
Leonard: See you there!

Quote from Penny

Penny: Hey, how was your lecture?
Leonard: Oh, it was so good. I-I-I mean, it-it started great, and then the, the middle was great, and then the ending was like [imitates explosion]. So great.
Penny: Leonard, if you went to House of Pies again, just say it.
Leonard: [stammers] Wait, if you think I'm lying, why do you think I'm eating pies? Why don't you think I'm having an affair?
Penny: Listen, i-it's fine, just next time, bring me a slice.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Okay, well, if you really want to know, I'll tell you where I was. I was at Wil's D&D game, but that's all I can say.
Penny: Oh, fun. Were there famous people there?
Leonard: Ah, sorry, I-I-I can't tell you that. Okay, well, yes, but I-I-I-I can't tell you who.
Well, no, I-I can tell you Shatner, but that's only because you already knew that one.
Penny: Well, I'm glad you had fun.
Leonard: Yeah. Ugh, I wish I could tell you who else was there. [chuckles] I can't, I promised.
Penny: Yeah, if it makes you feel better, I couldn't care less.
Leonard: That's true, you don't care, so there's no harm in telling you.
Penny: Okay, you really don't have to.

Quote from Penny

Penny: I can't believe you met Joe Manganiello. Is he nice?
Leonard: Oh, he's so nice. I-I-I rolled my dice underneath the couch, and he just lifted it up, one hand.
Penny: Oh, I-I bet he did.

Quote from Bernadette

Penny: Leonard played Dungeons & Dragons with the hot guy from Magic Mike.
Bernadette: I never got to see that movie.
Amy: Seriously?
Bernadette: Yeah, Howie made us leave as soon as he realized it wasn't about magic.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Well, I have seen that movie one or seven times, and trust me, it is magic.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Which guy?
Penny: That one.
Bernadette: Abracadabra.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Hey, you know what was fun? That time we played Dungeons & Dragons.
Amy: That was fun. We should play that more.

Quote from Amy

Bernadette: You are so funny, Wil.
Penny: We were just talking about how funny you are.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, Leonard told you, didn't he?
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Bernadette: Yup.
Wil Wheaton: Manganiello?
Amy: Uh-huh.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Bernadette: Mm-hmm.
Wil Wheaton: Feel good about yourselves?
Penny: Nope.
Bernadette: No.
Amy: Yeah. Oh, we're going with no? No.

Quote from Raj

Raj: You were in Wil's D&D game?
Sheldon: With William Shatner?
Howard: And you didn't tell us?
Leonard: I'm sorry, Wil made me promise not to.
Sheldon: I thought we were friends.
Leonard: Oh, come on, you guys would do the same thing.
Raj: No, we wouldn't! I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.
Leonard: It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.
Raj: Well, that's her fault, not mine!

Quote from Raj

Raj: Look, we know Leonard is out. You need to fill a seat. It should be one of us.
Leonard: Or give me another chance. I think me and Joe Manganiello were really hitting it off.
Howard: Joe Manganiello was there?
Raj: From Magic Mike?

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton: No. All of you. You're just trying to use me to get close to my famous friends. Do you know how that makes me feel?
Howard: Flattered?
Wil Wheaton: Used.
Sheldon: I was gonna guess that.
Wil Wheaton: One of the worst things about being a celebrity is you never know if people like you for you. Well, thanks for letting me know.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: You're right, that was really crappy of us.
Howard: Yeah, I guess we just got caught up in the excitement.
Raj: We're sorry, Wil. We do like you for you.
Sheldon: And if it makes you feel any better, I don't even really consider you a celebrity.
[Wil closes his front door]
Sheldon: Should we go or do you want to wait for the sprinklers?

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton: Okay, where were we?
William Shatner: I was about to go all Wrath of Khan on the ogres.
Kevin Smith: Oh, man, that's it. Put another dollar in the Star Trek jar, Bill.
William Shatner: Worth it.

Quote from Raj

Sheldon: Raj, do you have something to add?
Raj: You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Howard: Wil! Wil Wheaton!
Raj: Open! Open!
Wil Wheaton: No. No. No. [to Sheldon] Hell no.

Quote from Sheldon

Wil Wheaton: You guys suck.
Sheldon: Agreed. You guys suck. Let's go, Wil.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: We should invite him to come play with us.
Sheldon: Ask him to bring some chips because we're all out.
Leonard: Hey, Wil, this is Leonard.
Sheldon: Make it Bugles. No, no, no, no, no, pretzel sticks. No, no, no, Bugles.

Quote from Howard

Raj: But y-you blocked your number, right?
Howard: Relax, this is not my first creepy phone call. It's like riding a bike ... slowly past a girl's house.

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