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Quotes from ‘The Plagiarism Schism’

The Plagiarism Schism

The Plagiarism Schism
Season 12, Episode 21 - Aired May 2, 2019

After Barry Kripke reveals that Dr. Pemberton plagiarized his thesis in college, Sheldon and Amy debate whether to expose the fraud. Meanwhile, Bernadette tells Howard about the worst thing she ever did to get something she wanted.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Are you all right? You seem distracted.
Amy: Yeah, sorry. I'm just trying to figure something out.
Sheldon: Is it what to get me for our anniversary? 'Cause I'll give you a hint: it's already in my Amazon basket. Just click "buy now." I filled out the gift card for you. Apparently, I'm the light of your life.

Quote from Barry Kripke

Amy: I don't know, Barry. It sounds a little sleazy.
Barry Kripke: Well, let me know if you change your mind. Sleazy is where I thrive.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So I was talking to my mom about our Pemberton and Campbell situation.
Amy: Really? What'd she say?
Sheldon: Apparently, Old Testament God would bring down his wrath on them for being deceitful, but New Testament God would forgive them.
Amy: So couldn't we just bring down our wrath and ask the New Testament God to forgive us?
Sheldon: You know, I asked her that very question.
Amy: And?
Sheldon: She said I was full of California sass.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: So what's the worst thing you've ever done to get something you wanted?
Bernadette: I'm not gonna tell you that.
Howard: Oh, come on. I'll tell you mine.
Bernadette: Right, 'cause yours is gonna be as bad as mine. Okay. [chuckles]

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: That was my iced tea.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: So, obviously, I'm really sorry about my outburst. Calling you frauds was unacceptable. I feel terrible about it.
Sheldon: It has caused her a lot of stress. She chewed through her night guard like it was a piece of jerky.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Campbell: Yes, obviously, you're angry at all the attention we're getting for our discovery and you're lashing out.
Sheldon: Well, uh, technically, she lashed out. I contained myself, which I don't think I'm getting enough credit for.

Quote from Amy

Dr. Pemberton: The point is we should take it as a compliment that even you guys think we will win the Nobel Prize.
Amy: Uh, no, we-we certainly do not think that.
Sheldon: The Nobel Committee will realize that we came up with this theory.
Dr. Campbell: But we proved it.
Amy: By accident.
Dr. Pemberton: All breakthroughs happen by accident.
Amy: No, they don't!

Quote from Sheldon

President Siebert: Look, the Nobel Committee doesn't like infighting, so if the four of you don't stop sniping at each other, the award's gonna go to someone else entirely.
Amy: He's right. You know, like it or not, we can't avoid each other. Let's at least try to be civil.
Drs. Campbell: Agreed. You know, when you think about it, we're linked together the same way that super-asymmetry links together every atom in the universe.
Dr. Pemberton: Hmm.
Amy: That's not what it does at all!
Dr. Pemberton: Well, that's the great thing about science. We all get to have our own opinions.
Sheldon: I'm still not talking. That's impressive, right?

Quote from Barry Kripke

Barry Kripke: Greg Pemberton, you old so-and-so.
Dr. Pemberton: Very good to see you. Uh, let me introduce you to my colleague, Dr. Campbell. Uh, Kevin, this is Barry Kripke. We went to college together.
Dr. Campbell: Great to meet you.
Barry Kripke: Well, you have my number. We should hit up the buffet at the strip club while you're in town. Nothing beats a lap dance and a baked potato bar, huh?

Quote from Barry Kripke

Barry Kripke: Oh God, I hate that guy.
Sheldon: That's strange; you seem quite fond of him.
Barry Kripke: I was only being polite. Pemberton is a grade A weasel.
Sheldon: How do I know you're not just being polite when you say it's nice to see me?
Barry Kripke: I have literally never said that to you.

Quote from Barry Kripke

Barry Kripke: I heard the only work he did on his thesis was googling, "Where can I buy a thesis?"
Amy: Well, plagiarism is a pretty serious charge. Are you sure?
Barry Kripke: You want proof? I can make some calls.
Sheldon: You'd do that for us?
Barry Kripke: I really don't want to see that guy win a Nobel. I also don't want to see you win a Nobel. Ooh, this is tricky.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: Quick question: Does it happen to do with online tastes that might or might not reflect their real-life tastes?
Bernadette: I know all about your tall girl website. It goes on our credit card.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Ugh, why is this decision so hard?
Raj: Maybe because you want to win, but deep down you know it's not the honorable way to do it. Otherwise, you would've done it already.
Amy: That's really wise.
Sheldon: Yes, but it may just be the Indian accent.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Do you think by not exposing Pemberton we're doing the right thing?
Sheldon: Of course. Unless you think we're not doing the right thing.
Amy: Why would you think that I don't think we're doing the right thing?
Sheldon: You might think that if good people hold themselves to unrealistically high ethical standards, then they might lose out to their unscrupulous competitors.
Amy: Is that what you think?
Sheldon: No. No, I just thought if you thought we weren't doing the right thing, that's why you might think that.
Amy: Well, if I did think that, you might point out that people who claim it's okay to do bad things to win are bad people no matter what they tell themselves.
Sheldon: And I'd be right to point that out.
Amy: Because you're a good person.
Sheldon: I love talking to you. It's like talking to me, but with a girl voice.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Can't believe it. Sheldon loves telling on people when they break the rules.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe he's changed.
Leonard: He hasn't changed. Last week, when the vending machine gave me two bags of chips, he called my mom.
Penny: Well, that didn't ruin your life.
Leonard: Well, it ruined my day. I had to talk to my mom, who, by the way, is-is polyamorous now, so that's fun to think about.

Quote from Penny

Amy: Your husband was acting kind of weird today.
Penny: You sure you're not thinking about your husband?
Amy: No. He was acting all sketchy. Almost like he was guilty or something.
Penny: Oh. Well, that doesn't mean anything. I mean, Leonard has resting guilt face.
Yeah, it's- It's like, "What are you guilty about, Leonard?" "Nothing." "Well, then, tell it to your face." [scoffs]

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: I mean, it's sweet that you want to help, but we don't want you compromising your integrity for us.
Sheldon: Wait, what- Really? I thought we were just worried about looking bad.
Amy: It could be both.
Sheldon: Okay. But I'm gonna go with my reason. Yours is too complicated.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Listen, I did something kind of stupid today.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: I went to The Cheesecake Factory to try to figure out who that waitress was.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Don't worry, I didn't find out, because I realized I didn't even care. While I was there, I started asking myself, "Why does this mean anything to me?" And I guess the truth is it was all about my vanity. And why should I need to be validated by another woman liking me when the best woman in the world already loves me? And I just wanted you to know that. [chuckles]
Bernadette: The restaurant manager already called. You really creeped a lot of people out.
Howard: And I regret that. [chuckles] Because the only woman I want to creep out is the mother of my children.
Bernadette: Well, you're off to a good start.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Sheldon, if someone were gonna do something ethically murky on your behalf, would you rather know about it or not know about it to retain your innocence?
Sheldon: Well, now that I know there's a thing to know, I have to know. Can't help myself; I'm a fact addict.
Amy: That's not a real thing.
Sheldon: And that's a fact.

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Pemberton: What you said was really hurtful, especially because I thought we were friends.
Sheldon: Why would you think that?
Dr. Pemberton: Ouch.

Dr. Campbell: Ignore them; they're just mean people.
President Siebert: Uh, not mean, just sorry. Seem mean, are sorry. Happens all the time.

Dr. Pemberton: It's okay. I talked to my therapist, and she made me realize that what you said was really more about your own insecurities.
Amy: I'm sorry, what?
President Siebert: There you go, she's sorry. We all heard it. Moving on.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: No, no, no, no. Your money's no good here. [Sheldon takes the bill from Dr. Campbell and hands it to President Siebert]

Quote from Sheldon

Dr. Pemberton: Well, I'm glad that we hashed all that out, and moving forward, may the best team win.
Sheldon: I couldn't agree more. [quietly to Amy] We're the best team.

Barry Kripke: You can come, too.
President Siebert: That's a hard pass.

Quote from Amy

Amy: If we have damaging and embarrassing information about someone, should we keep it to ourselves or expose them?
[Everyone freezes and looks nervously at Amy]

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: I don't know. If someone's a cheater, they should be held accountable no matter how long ago it was.
Penny: Okay, now you just sound crazy.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: No, no, I agree with Bernadette. If Pemberton cheated, maybe he shouldn't have a career in the first place. There's plenty of people that didn't plagiarize.
Penny: And a few of us who did, but it's only 'cause The Scarlet Letter was so boring.
Leonard: Aw, I love The Scarlet Letter. That's where I got my taste for bad girls.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: I'm just saying, Sheldon and Amy deserve to win, and sometimes that means doing what you got to do.
Howard: Don't you think it's better to take the high road?
Bernadette: Yeah, and instead of guns, armies should carry candy canes that shoot wishes.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: When we first met, there was another waitress at The Cheesecake Factory who thought you were cute, so I told her you had all the hepatitises, A through Z.
Howard: There aren't 26 hepatitises.
Bernadette: Well, if she was smart enough to know that, she wouldn't still be working at a Cheesecake Factory.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Oh, she still works there? Who was it?
Bernadette: Why does it matter?
Howard: You're right, it doesn't matter 'cause I got the best one. Was it Susan?
Bernadette: Why? Because she's tall?
Howard: Good night.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Well, if Sheldon and Amy don't want to expose Pemberton, that doesn't mean someone else can't do it for them. They'd never have to know.
Penny: Really? You'd do that?
Leonard: They deserve the Nobel. I'm not gonna let two frauds steal it from them. And if that means getting my hands dirty, so be it.
[Penny laughs]
Leonard: What's so funny?
Penny: Just realized I've never actually seen your hands dirty.

Quote from Barry Kripke

Barry Kripke: All right, Hofstadter, here's all the proof you need.
Leonard: Great, thanks.
Barry Kripke: Just remember, once you take this envelope, there's no turning back.
Leonard: What if I look at it and decide not to use it?
Barry Kripke: I had not considered that. Got to hand it to you, you got a real talent for making things boring.
Leonard: Thanks.
Barry Kripke: Hey, look at that. You did it again.

Quote from Raj

Howard: So guess what. There was a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory back in the day who kind of had a thing for me.
Raj: Other than Bernadette? That does not sound right.

Quote from Howard

Raj: Oh, well, who was it?
Howard: It doesn't even matter. I'm happily married. The point is women - plural - find me appealing.

Quote from Raj

Raj: We know it wasn't Penny, we know it wasn't Susan-
Howard: Wait. How do we know it wasn't Susan?
Raj: Uh, because she had a type.
Howard: What type?
Raj: Don't make me say it.
Howard: Are you saying I'm not a handsome guy?
Raj: See? It's mean, right?

Quote from Howard

Howard: It could've been anybody. Marta, Gina, Annalise-
Raj: It's a little creepy that you remember all their names.
Howard: Not just their names. The cars they drove, the color of their eyes, and whether or not they had boyfriends.

Quote from Amy

Penny: Okay, look, Leonard knows that you and Sheldon decided to take the high road, so he went to Kripke for you. But that just means you didn't do anything wrong, and now you don't risk losing to those idiots.
Amy: Why did you tell me? Now that I know, I'm implicated.
Penny: But you wanted me to.
Amy: I also wanted you to be my jester at the Renaissance Fair, but that didn't happen.
Penny: I wanted to be a princess.
Amy: There was only one princess, and it was me!
Penny: Fine. I'm sorry I told you.
Amy: And I forgive you. 'Cause that's what a princess would do.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Kudos on the meatballs. They're nice and round.
Amy: Thanks.
Sheldon: Yeah. They're much better than those prolate spheroids you used to pass off as balls.

Quote from Amy

Dr. Pemberton: Hold on, are you blackmailing us?
Amy: No, the opposite.
Dr. Pemberton: We're blackmailing you?
Amy: How are you up for a Nobel?!

Dr. Campbell: Dr. Cooper, Dr. Fowler. Just the guy I want to see.
Amy: Are you drunk?
Dr. Campbell: I was, and then I still was. And now, I still was.

Dr. Campbell: Pemberton is out. Someone published all the information about his plagiarism. [whispers:] It was me. Someone else told Fermilab, and he lost his job. [whispers:] Also me. And someone is sleeping with his ex-wife and it's not me.
Amy: I thought it was.
Dr. Campbell: Not anymore. Apparently, just because I'm better than her husband doesn't mean I'm as good as her contractor. Women, huh?

Dr. Campbell: Hear me out. Look, the three of us could team up. There's one small catch. Dr. Pemberton has been saying a lot of bad stuff about me. But don't worry, I couldn't possibly have done any of it, because I was with you guys the whole time. [whispers:] I did it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Frankly, I don't know what Linda ever saw in either of them.