Beverly Hofstadter: It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?

Leonard: She's only been here a day and a half, and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday, and I've been half bombed ever since.

Penny: I'm curious. What was Leonard like when he was little?
Beverly Hofstadter: I think you mean young. He's always been little.

Penny: You can't let her get into your head.
Leonard: It's too late for me, my head is her summer house.

Beverly Hofstadter: If you want to have intercourse with that girl, find out what kind of cologne her father wore.

Leonard: That was fast.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, the middle stall was occupied. I'll have to try again later.
Sheldon: That's totally understandable. In bladder voiding, as in real estate, it's location, location, location.

Beverly Hofstadter: Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

Penny: It's out of order.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, I can read the sign. I was just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.
Beverly Hofstadter: Again, I can read the sign. But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust which indicates the elevator has been non-functional for a significant period of time, which suggests either a remarkable passivity among the - I assume - 24-36 residents of this building - based on the number of mail boxes and typical urban densities - or a shared delusion of functionality.

Beverly Hofstadter: Well, Leonard's younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she's close to curing diabetes?
Beverly Hofstadter: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why? They're not my accomplishments. I have to urinate.

Sheldon: Yeah, I'm definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard: Okay, bye. (Off the phone) My mother's coming for a visit.
Howard: How about that, you were right.

Beverly Hofstadter: Your scan data will be very helpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.
Sheldon: I know. Although, I've always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.
Beverly Hofstadter: Common complaint among men. Nothing's ever big enough. Except when they get a tumor, Then you never hear the end of it.

Beverly Hofstadter: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.

Leonard: So, Mother, what's new?
Beverly Hofstadter: You'll have to be more specific.
Leonard: All right. Uh, what's new with you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, well, I've been having some fascinating menopausal symptoms recently.
Leonard: Maybe something less personal.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?
Beverly Hofstadter: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.

Penny: You must be Leonard's mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, I don't know whether I must be, but yes.

Leonard: You shush. I'm happy. I want to talk about it.

Penny: What was he like when he was young?
Beverly Hofstadter: You'll have to be more specific.
Penny: Oh, like five or six.
Beverly Hofstadter: *looks at Penny*
Penny: Five.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh. Well, at that age he was well enmeshed in what Freud would call the phallic stage of pyscho-sexual development. An outmoded theory, of course, but the boy did spend most of his waking hours with a tight grasp on his penis.

Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.
Beverly Hofstadter: I feel very comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: It's surprising because I generally dont feel comfortable around, well, anyone.
Beverly Hofstadter: Nor I.
Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?
Beverly Hofstadter: Is that a rhetorical point or would you like to do the math?
Sheldon: I'd like to do the math.
Beverly Hofstadter: I'd like that, too.

Penny: I'm Penny. I'm his neighbor.
Beverly Hofstadter: I'm Beverly Hofstadter.
Penny: Nice to meet you. *Offers to shake hands*
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, you're a hand shaker. Interesting.

Leonard: All right, Mother. Um, have a nice flight.
Beverly Hofstadter: That's not really in my control, is it?

Penny: Get out!
Leonard: She said shush. I should have shushed.

Sheldon: So, what do you think?
Beverly Hofstadter: I'm very tempted. I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.
Sheldon: Normally, I'd feel the same way. But based on everything I've observed about us, I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.
Beverly Hofstadter: True. I've had a similar observation. It's certainly something I could never do with my husband.
Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It's quite satisfying.
Beverly Hofstadter: I see what you're doing. You're appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.
Sheldon: You see right through me, don't you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Only when you're in a CAT scanner.

Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Beverly Hofstadter: I doubt it, but if anyone has a chance, it's probably you.

Sheldon: I'd love to see a scan of your brain sometime.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I'll send you a link, but its physiology is fairly unimpressive.
Sheldon: Oh, I can't believe that.
Beverly Hofstadter: Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.
Sheldon: My apologies. I've been living with your son too long. Gotten into some bad habits.
Beverly Hofstadter: Understandable.

Penny: I mean, my mom could've just said, Bob, get over it, she's a girl, move on. But she didn't. Not one word.
Beverly Hofstadter: Interesting. Would you be willing to fly to New Jersey and discuss your relationship with your parents during a brain scan?
Penny: Would it help?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it would help me.

Leonard: Hey, you want to talk about not getting love from a parent. You know what I used to do when I was little to have some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard: Of course she did. Anyway, that's not what I was gonna say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard: Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard: My father used to borrow it.

Penny: Wait, wait, she's not gonna come here looking for you, is she?
Leonard: Oh, relax. She took Sheldon to the hospital to get a brain scan.
Penny: Oh my God. What happened?
Leonard: Nothing. Mother likes looking at brains and Sheldon likes getting his brain scanned.
Penny: Geez, what a fun couple.

Penny: Hey.
Leonard: You got alcohol?
Penny: Your mom still here?
Leonard: Yep.
Penny: Come on in.

Howard: Just for the record, we're not in an ersatz homosexual relationship.
Raj: Well, then why didn't you say that to her?
Howard: Why is it always my responsibility?
Raj: It's not always your responsibility. I swear, this is the same thing you did at the comic book store last week.
Howard: I can't believe you're bringing that up.
Raj: I didn't bring it up. You did.
Howard: We'll talk about this later.
Raj: You always say that, but we never do.

Leonard: I think you'll find my work pretty interesting. I'm attempting to replicate the dark matter signal found in sodium iodide crystals by the Italians.
Beverly Hofstadter: So, no original research?
Leonard: No.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, what's the point of my seeing it? I could just read the paper the Italians wrote.

Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, it's one o'clock, weren't you going to show me your laboratory at one o'clock?
Leonard: There's no hurry, Mother, tell them more about their secret love for each other.
Beverly Hofstadter: But it's one o'clock, you were going to show me your laboratory at one o'clock.
Sheldon: Her reasoning is unassailable. It is one o'clock.

Leonard: You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha.

Beverly Hofstadter: So, where were we?
Leonard: Howard lives with his mother and Raj cant speak to women unless hes drunk. Go.
Beverly Hofstadter: That's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological clich.

Sheldon: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj: Yeah, you're like the Jar Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard: Oh, meesa think yousa lookin so, so sad.
Leonard: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard: Next time, don't yousa bring mama to work. Okee-day?

Leonard: Why are you doing this?
Howard: You know the rules. You brought your mom to work, you must suffer.

Howard: So, Dr. Hofstadter, Leonard rarely talks about his incredibly successful brother and sister.
Leonard: Please, don't go there, Howard.
Howard: I understand that unlike Leonard, they're at the top of their respective fields.
Leonard: Boy, you suck.

Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.
Leonard: Yeah, I thought you guys might hit it off.
Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.
Leonard: I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.
Sheldon: You're clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Sheldon, you don't give your mother enough credit. She's warm, she's loving, she doesn't glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon: You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.

Leonard: Here's your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you're lucky, maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.

Leonard: Here's your tea, mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oolong?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Loose, not bagged?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Steeped three minutes?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Two-percent milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Warmed separately?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: One teaspoon sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Raw sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: It's cold.
Leonard: I'll start again.

Penny: I know my dad wanted a boy. I just, I tried being good at sports, but I hated getting dirty!
Beverly Hofstadter: And then, I'm assuming you entered adolescence.
Penny: Uh-huh. He called me Slugger until I got my first training bra, and then he just stopped playing catch with me. I wasn't Slugger anymore. (As Leonard opens the door) Your mother's here!

Leonard: (On the phone) I'm really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? ... Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation.
Penny: What's that about?
Howard: Not a clue.
Leonard: Can't we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer?
Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He's holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he's using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard: No, I didn't realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there's no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.
Sheldon: He's referring to an activity he has done before. It's unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.

Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It's the sound of a cat being run over by a lawn mower.

Penny: Yeah, Leonard mentioned you were a psychiatrist.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, that is one of my degrees. My primary field is neuroscience.
Penny: Oh, well, I'm an actress.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: What do you mean why?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into the performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity.
Penny: Yeah, I don't know what that means.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it means you value yourself only as others value you, which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.
Penny: Oh, well, I had a wonderful childhood.
Beverly Hofstadter: Tell me about it.