Howard: My religion's kinda loosey-goosey. Basically, as long as you got your schmekel clipped and don't wear a cross, you're good.

Bernadette: Howie, you promised you'd move.
Howard: And I will.
Penny: Yeah, right.
Howard: I will. I'm obviously not going to live in my mother's house for the rest of my life. I'm not a child.
Penny: I've seen her burp you.
Howard: She did not burp me. She was patting me on the back, and I happened to burp.

Penny: So what are you drinking?
Sheldon: Well, it’s been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don't think that's going to cut it.
Penny: You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.
Sheldon: Will that calm my nerves?
Penny: It's calmed the pants off me a couple of times.
Sheldon: Sold.

Bernadette: Aw, she'll be okay. She's a grown woman.
Howard: I know. It's just ever since my dad left, I've felt responsible for her.
Bernadette: That's a lot for a kid to deal with.
Howard: She was just so sad all the time. I was the only person who could cheer her up. Well, me and Ben and Jerry.
Bernadette: She's lucky you were there.
Howard: You know, she's why I first got into magic. I would do little shows for her, hang up a bedsheet like it was a curtain, put on a top hat and cape. And part way through the act, I would say I needed a volunteer from the audience to be my beautiful assistant and invite her up on stage. I can still remember the way she'd smile. For a few minutes, she'd forget how lonely she was.
Bernadette: Aw, crap. Let's go.
Howard: Where we going?
Bernadette: Grab a box. We'll sleep at your mother's place tonight.
Howard: No, but I want to live here.
Bernadette: Well, you should've thought of that before you told me the stupid magic trick story.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon, what's up?
Sheldon: Wouldn't you like to know?
Wil Wheaton: Have you been drinking?
Sheldon: Just tea. S'the best tea I've ever had.
Wil Wheaton: Why are you here?
Sheldon: I'll tell you. I'm from Texas. Need I say more?
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, actually, a little more would be helpful.

Sheldon: You insulted my woman. I'm here to defend her honor. Two! It was two. *Knock, knock, knock* Wil Wheaton! Now prepare yourself for what may come.

Wil Wheaton: Okay, I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Well, that was a long bus ride for not very much.
Wil Wheaton: Are you okay?
Sheldon: You're asking a lot of questions, Wil Wheaton. As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting? Never mind, I'll choose. (Vomits) You were so good in Stand by Me.

Sheldon: I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her. She's my girlfriend.
LeVar Burton: Ah, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?

Penny: Hey, sorry this took so long. But you used to work here, you know how it is.
Bernadette: Kitchen slammed again?
Penny: No, I'm a terrible waitress, remember?

Sheldon: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I'd like to announce the winner of our design your own flag competition. But I can't. The only entry was from GameyGamer75, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks.

Sheldon: Now this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise, Star Trek. And to help me, I'm pleased to introduce Internet personality, former star of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one sixteenth scale. Set phasers to fun for my friend, Wil Wheaton.

Wil Wheaton: Hi, Sheldon. Thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here.
Amy: Cut.
Sheldon: What's wrong?
Amy: Sorry, Sheldon, you were brilliant as always. Wil, that was a little wooden.
Wil Wheaton: Wooden?
Amy: Don’t worry, it wasn't terrible. Just, this time, try to say it the way people sound.

Wil Wheaton: Listen, Sheldon, I'm really happy to do this for you, but not if she's gonna be a huge pain in the ass the whole time.
Amy: You gonna let him speak to me like that?
Sheldon: Well, you're my girlfriend and I don't want you to be upset. Then again, Wil Wheaton's my friend and I don't want him to be upset. Hmm, this is a sticky wicket. (To Wil) What do you think?

Bernadette: Every time we eat dinner here, your mother refuses to let me help with the dishes.
Howard: Don't take it personally. She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking.

Bernadette: You ready to go?
Howard: Yeah, let me just grab a couple of fresh turtlenecks.
Bernadette: I don't understand why you keep your stuff here when there's plenty of room at home.
Howard: What are you talking about? All I have here is a few sweaters, books, bank stuff, computers, mail, collectibles, medicine and my electric body groomer. Ooh, there's my plaid dickie. Oh, got this at the Goodwill store for 50 cents. Can you believe it?
Bernadette: 50 cents sounds right.