Bernadette: Every time we eat dinner here, your mother refuses to let me help with the dishes.
Howard: Don't take it personally. She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking.

Howard: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.

Howard: I invented a game. Want to play?
Leonard: Sure.
Howard: It's called Emily or Cinnamon. I give you actual quotes I've heard Raj say, and you guess if he was talking to his girlfriend or his dog.

Bernadette: Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me every day at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, help, my hand's stuck in the garbage disposal.
Howard: Let go of whatever piece of food you're holding.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Are you kidding? It's a perfectly good chicken leg.

Wil Wheaton: Problem, first time director?

Sheldon: Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter's deluxe mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them. She's a unique blend of saint and squirrel.