Sheldon: You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want. It's exhausting!

Sheldon: I'm not saying you don't have attractive qualities. Your choice of friends is impeccable, you're a good sleeper, and last but not least, you buy the grapes I like. You're a real catch compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.

Sheldon: (Playing hackey sack) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Drat. I'm never going to get to forty-three again. One, two, three, four. Rats.

Penny: Hey! Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the sides of buildings?

Penny: What am I supposed to say?
Leonard: Say "Can't talk right now, hanging with my boyfriend. England sucks. You suck. USA number one."

Raj: What are you drawing over there?
Sheldon: It's a hypothetical containment field for a Frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.
Howard: Oh, you silly doodlebug.
Leonard: You know, a lot of scientists believe that making contact with other life-forms would probably not end well for us.
Sheldon: It's a Frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. You can block it with a Frisbee. Calm down.

Leonard: Who are you talking to?
Penny: Oh, just this guy I met at school.
Leonard: oh, great. We're still dating, right?
Penny: Relax. He's just a friend. We're doing an oral report together. He's really nice.
Leonard: I'm sorry, what was that? I had a little stroke after oral.

Penny: Hey, shouldn't you be out with your gang, spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard: Come on, I'm sorry.

Leonard: It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me. Why is everyone taller than me? You know what, this is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Penny: Leonard, why do you always do this? Listen to me, you're the one I'm with. You know I love you. So will you please relax, because you're driving me crazy.
Leonard: You know that's the first time you ever said you love me.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: We're just supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
Penny: That's exactly what we're gonna do, because you're about to make me cry. And we both know if I start crying, you're gonna start crying.
Leonard: You're right, I should go.

Raj: Ooh, this is exciting. Like one of my classic murder mystery dinner parties.
Leonard: Right, the case of who murdered three Saturday nights of my life?
Howard: Colonel Koothrappali in the kitchen with the olive spread.
Raj: It was tapenade and you guys suck.

Penny: Look, he just moved here from London, okay? He doesn't really know anybody.
Leonard: Oh, good, an English accent, the sexiest accent you can have.
Penny: No, that's not true. There's French, there's Italian. No, you're right, it's the best.

Howard: What could he be doing in there every day for twenty minutes?
Raj: Well, he's not doing twenty-minute abs, because if he were, he would have better abs.

Raj: He is kind of a weirdo. Maybe he's got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates. Or Stephen Hawking.
Howard: Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?
Raj: Howard, please, you can't treat the man differently just because he's disabled. That's not okay.

Leonard: This is silly. I have nothing to worry about.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. I mean, statistically speaking, I'm sure you have something to worry about.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, if we assume your looks are average, right off the bat fifty percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That's 1.5 billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.
Leonard: Well, yeah, but this isn't just about looks. I'm way above average in a lot of other things.
Sheldon: Not height, vision, athleticism or ability to digest dairy products.

Howard: When I was starting to do magic in junior high, I thought I could be an escape artist like Harry Houdini.
Raj: How did that work out?
Howard: Pretty good. I managed to escape friends, popularity, and every party thrown in a twelve mile radius.