Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
Leonard: I don't know. It's a fat guy on a Segway. That's funny everywhere.

Howard: Listen to me, if she's writing about your relationship, use it to your advantage. Rig the game.
Raj: Well, that doesn't seem fair.
Howard: Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys more than nervous weirdos?
Raj: No, it's not. I've always thought that was unfair.

Penny: What's wrong with cute?
Leonard: It just makes things seem small. It diminishes them.
Penny: So you want me to stop calling your little tushie cute?
Leonard: You can try, but nobody's gonna believe you.

Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That'll come later.

Sheldon: No, that's the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I'm going to re-watch it before season three starts.
Leonard: There is no season three. They canceled that show.
Sheldon: Well, they can't cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.
Leonard: They did.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them?
Sheldon: Dumplings? Don't you understand what's going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.

Sheldon: That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I'll never know what happened.
Penny: Well, why don't you make up your own ending?
Sheldon: Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I'll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I'll rub pudding on my gums.

Howard: Keep reading. What does it say?
Raj: No, no, I don't know if I should. If she wanted me to know about her blog, she would've told me. It's almost like I'm reading her diary.
Howard: It's exactly what it's like. Keep reading.
Raj: No, this is creepy.
Howard: Oh, I think we were looking at creepy in the rear-view mirror when I put up that camera.

Leonard: With all the TV Sheldon was talking about, I had the greatest idea ever. It even blows away my idea for a Star Wars themed coffee shop called Brewbacca's. You need to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is the perfect show for the two of us. It's got action and jokes and hot vampires and romance. I cannot oversell this. What do you say?
Penny: It's six thirty in the morning.
Leonard: I thought you grew up on a farm.

Sheldon: Hello, SyFy Network? Yeah, this is your vice president of programming. Now, we have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas. Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately. Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that, you tell them it's me, and I don't want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am, you know? I just, I want this done. No, I am not the person who just called. That man was clearly a cowboy. Yeah, who was plumb concerned about yall canceling his favorite show. Why do they keep hanging up on me?

Amy: I'm sorry you're upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.
Sheldon: I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.

Amy: Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.
Sheldon: Oh, that's nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don't care how they end.
Amy: You know, I might be able to help you with this. There's a whole field of behavioral neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.
Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don't have a problem with closure.
Amy: You sure about that?
Sheldon: Oh, quite sure. (Amy performs a knocking pattern but stops before completing it. Sheldon finishes it off.) That proves nothing.

Howard: So take what's in that blog and use it to get her pants off.
Raj: Why do you have to make everything so filthy? Why couldn't you just say the blog is like her giving me the key to her heart?
Howard: The key to her heart. That's nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
Raj: I was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women, Sir Elton John.

Leonard: I think you'll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
Penny: Oh. Well, that's like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.

Sheldon: Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I'm about to win. (Amy wipes the board clean.) But we didn't finish.
Amy: Exactly. How does that make you feel?
Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.
Amy: And thats exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.
Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

Penny: Okay, help me out here. Why does he love this show so much?
Bernadette: Well, there was action, it was funny. I mean, you do get that usually the monster chases the pretty girl, but this time the pretty girl chases the monsters?
Penny: Yippee, it's backwards. I get it.