Amy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to laugh at a knock knock joke that starts "Knock Knock Knock, Amy. Knock Knock Knock, Amy. Knock Knock Knock, Amy"?

Bernadette: (Shouting from the bathroom) How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?
Howard: I'm in the middle of something.
Bernadette: So am I!

Penny: I just got a part on a TV show.
Amy: Congratulations!
Leonard: That's great. Guys ...
The guys: Yeah ...
Amy: What's the show?
Penny: NC - I I? or, you know, NC - S T D. I don't know. It's the one with all the letters.

Sheldon: Leonard, do you think I'm funny?
Leonard: No. Do you?
Sheldon: I think I'm hysterical.
Leonard: I take it back. That was funny!

Leonard: So it's just flirting?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Leonard: No reason, I just think it's sexier when things are left to the imagination.
Amy: (to Sheldon) He's wrong.

Howard: If you're initimated by talking to attractive girls, maybe you should practice by talking to regular people.
Raj: You mean like fatties and uggos?
Bernadette: Or maybe just stop talking.

Leonard: Okay, listen to me, this is just a minor setback.
Penny: No, it's not, okay? I've been out here for, like, ten years. I've nothing to show for it.
Leonard: Well, you have me.
Penny: You're right. I do have you. Mm. Let's get married.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Ooh. Leonard Hofstadter, will you marry me?
Leonard: Um…
Penny: Did you seriously just say um?
Leonard: Look, you know I love you but, but you're, you're drunk and sad and feeling lost.
Penny: Okay, so, so you don't want to marry me?
Leonard: That is not what I said.
Penny: No, forget it. I take it back. Offer's off the table.

Amy: This is nice that we all get to eat together.
The guys: Oh yeah, absolutely.
Amy: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.

Stuart: How about those guys on that bench over there? They look pathetic. Maybe we could talk to them.
Raj: That's a mirror.

Stuart: When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.
Raj: Are possums cute?
Stuart: Not at all.

Penny: (On the phone) No, Dad. I don't think they cut me out of the show because I was too pretty. No, I don't need you to come out and kick Mark Harmon's ass.

Leonard: Are you set on people laughing WITH you? Because if you're cool with AT you ...
Sheldon: I don't get it.

Sheldon: I don't know about you but I'm very uncomfortable about this.
Amy: Why?
Sheldon: I've never seen this show before, and now I'm starting with episode 246. It's unnatural.
Amy: Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.
Sheldon: All right.

Howard: I'm serious. Go to the mall, talk to anybody. Practice. That way when you eventually do talk to a cute girl, it won't be so scary.
Bernadette: Or just keep dating the possum.

Sheldon: Perhaps I'll spend some time devising a unified theory of comedy, which will allow me to elicit laughter from anybody at any time. Unless they're German, because that's a tough crowd.

Bernadette: Raj, when you said you were going to bring a date to watch Penny's thing tonight, I didn't think you meant Stuart.
Howard: Really? I never for a second thought it'd be anything else.

Sheldon: I've been studying how to make people laugh. They say comedy is tragedy plus time. *Looks at his watch and gets up* Let's tickle some ribs!

Leonard: I'm so proud of you.
Penny: They haven't even got to my scene yet.
Leonard: I know, but you're going to be a TV star and you haven't left me yet. That takes guts!

Leonard: (on the phone) Yes, how much for 100 long-stem red roses? Really? How much for three?

Leonard: Hey, can we talk?
Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.

Howard: What's your part?
Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj: Ooh, Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.