Stuart: Yeah, last night at dinner, I did what you told me, I went really slow, I kept my distance, and two bottles of wine later, we were making out in my car.
Leonard: Wine? I didn't say to give her wine.
Stuart: It doesn't matter, that's where it all went to hell.
Leonard: During the kissing? What did you do, sneeze in her mouth? I did that to a girl once.
Stuart: No, everything was good and really hot, and I said “Oh, Penny,” and right where she was supposed to say, “Oh, Stuart,” she said ... your name.
Leonard: Leonard?
Stuart: That is your name, right?
Leonard: Yeah, no, yeah, wow, I'm sorry. That must've been the last thing you wanted to hear.
Stuart: Well, it beats "You know I'm a dude, right?" Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Stuart: Oh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.

Stuart: Would you mind stocking these?
Denise: Actually, I'm not on the clock today. I'm just hanging out with my boyfriend.
Stuart: Ah, cool. Huh. That's me, right?
Denise: Oh, I forgot to tell you, I broke up with you, and now I'm dating that guy.
Stuart: I know you're joking, but my flight-or-flight response doesn't.
Denise: Isn't it fight-or-flight?
Stuart: Not for me.

Stuart: Whoa, whoa. You're not gonna cut open a meteor, are you? Have you not learned anything from comic books? Space viruses? Pod people? I sell nothing but warnings.

Howard: Hey, you want to make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard: I'm listening.
Howard: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.

Howard: Okay make your little jokes, but out of the four of us, I'm the only one who's making real world contribution to science and technology.
Rajesh: He's right, this is an important achievement for two reasons. Number one and of course number two!

Sheldon: Why does Leonard get to go?
Wolowitz: Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again, I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries!
Leonard: Thanks for understanding.
Howard: I've got your back, sister!