Bernadette: Great news. A raccoon virus just crossed the species barrier and can now infect humans.
Raj: Why is that great news?
Bernadette: In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying: mo' infections, mo' money.

Bernadette: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette: From all the Dove bars I ate! I'm pregnant! Try to keep up!

Stuart: Oh, so she's good enough for Howard but not for me?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yeah. Go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.

Leonard: You don't go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps!

Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.
Amy: You and me both, brother.

Sheldon: How do I make them stop loving me?
Leonard: You could invite them to live with us.

Howard: So I'm almost done writing the song for Bernadette. Are you cool playing the cello?
Leonard: If by cool you mean willing to, yes. If by cool you mean cool, clearly you've never seen me play the cello.