Leonard: You don't go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps!

Raj: It's too late. He's been murdered by someone in this room. Welcome to another classic Koothrappali murder mystery dinner.
Amy: I'm leaving.

Sheldon: Aren't you gonna come with me?
Howard: While you confront your mother about her sex life? I'd rather go back to that bar in assless chaps.

Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I will condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mary: That is very Christian of you.

Penny: You really going to lie on the floor and pretend to be dead all night?
Stuart: What do you think I was going to do at home?

Sheldon: Well then why are you doing it?
Mary: Because I'm not perfect, Shelly. And that man's booty is.

Sheldon: I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.
Mary: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.
Mary: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I'm a professional scientist.
Mary: Go to your room!
Sheldon: *Backs away to his room* I'm a grown man.

Raj: Have you heard from Howard?
Bernadette: I did. His talk at NASA went great.
Penny: Sheldon didn't heckle him?
Bernadette: No. In fact, he was so well behaved Howard bought him a Buzz Aldrin bobblehead and astronaut ice cream.

Howard: It was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas for that long, for sale signs start to go up.

Sheldon: I beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. If someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.

Sheldon: You may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.

Bernadette: I told Howard if I wasn't busy I'd spend the night at his mom's. So for God's sake, think of something.

Howard: Okay, give me the flowers and pie.
Sheldon: But if we show up and you're holding them, she'll think they're only from you.
Howard: They are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.
Sheldon: Yes, but now that I've seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like there's no going back.

Leonard: I've seen old pictures of you. You were never a fat kid.
Raj: No, I was svelte as a gazelle. A gazelle blessed with a flair for storytelling.

Sheldon: And of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?

Amy: Hey, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology. Then I used the money to buy Stuart's comic store and close it down, so Sheldon would pay attention to me. ... Not the worst idea.

Sheldon: My point is you're going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-enlightenment mythology. But now you're going to need a stronger friend, named latex.
Mary: Are you having the sex talk with me?
Sheldon: Well someone has to.
Mary: Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon: No, don't look to him. He's mad at you right now.

Sheldon: I saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.

Stuart: Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
Raj: Fine, just try not to look too alive.
Stuart: That's my jam.

Stuart: How's it going?
Raj: Good. Sheldon's out of town so we can do whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn't like.
Stuart: How is it?
Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.

Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
Mary: That's not funny. ... Maybe we should sit at the table.

Howard: I was going to say we pick up a cake or a pie, but an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.

Penny: Oh, Stuart. Now I kinda feel bad for murdering you.
Raj: Oh, come on!
Bernadette: Penny did it! I win! Suck it, jackasses!

Amy: It actually was kinda fun.
Raj: You're just saying that.
Amy: Yeah.

Sheldon: I should let you know the world has changed since you were a young woman. It's not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation any more.
Mary: How old do you think I am?

Raj: You can't leave. You're a murder suspect in the mysterious death of Stuart Bloom.
Bernadette: I didn't know his last name was Bloom.
Amy: Yeah, it's Bloom.

Penny: Got it. Hey, who's the murderer?
Raj: Any question but that.
Penny: Sorry. Hey, who's not the murderer?

Howard: Anyway, she broke up with him and she's basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.

Amy: Actually, our relationship agreement covers a wide array of scenarios. Including career changes, financial instability, intelligent dog uprising. FYI, we plan on selling out the human race hard.

Sheldon: How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don't tell her how disappointed I am and how I'll never forgive her.

Penny: Well, my beer isn't flat and my rack's not saggy, so far the future's great.

Amy: I think it might be fun to be someone else tonight.
Raj: Actually, you're all just going to be yourselves.
Amy: Oh, uck.

Raj: Hey, you guys just time travelled so stop looking so bored.

Penny: If you do something cool in science, you might change the world. If I become a famous actress ... I'm not going to tell you why movie stars are the best, they just are.

Penny: Ooh, I'm going to check the fridge and see if there are any clues inside a beer.

Amy: Should you really be sitting in Sheldon's spot?
Raj: He's in Texas, he'll never know.
Penny: Wouldn't be so sure about that.
Leonard: Yeah, he has a very sensitive butt. Look, it's true. Once I saw him sit on a bunch of loose change and add it up.