Mary Cooper: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
Penny: Well, come on, she did kinda start it.
Mary Cooper: Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.

Amy: Well, uh, Howard and Bernadette had their baby.
Mary Cooper: (gasps) Oh, that's wonderful! Now, have they decided to raise it Jewish or regular?
Sheldon: Welcome to Texas.

Mary: He gets his temper from his daddy.
Leonard: Ah.
Mary: He's got my eyes.
Leonard: I see.
Mary: All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.

Mary Cooper: Now, when you said on the phone he broke up with a girl, you meant an actual girl? Not something you kids whipped up in a lab?

Mary Cooper: So who else is coming to this shindig?
Amy: Oh, well, the usual gang. Penny's family is coming tomorrow.
Sheldon: Yeah, and Leonards mother's already here.
Mary Cooper: Oh. Beverly. How nice.
Amy: You've met her, right?
Mary Cooper: Yes, I have. (reveals her cross necklace)
Sheldon: Mother, she's an atheist, not a vampire.
Mary Cooper: Either way, let's stop and get some garlic.

Alfred Hofstadter: Well, on that note, there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as part of their mythology.
Mary Cooper: I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh. I, I didn't mean to disparage your faith. Actually, I admire it.
Mary Cooper: Really?
Alfred Hofstadter: Yes. Yes, I'm an agnostic myself. But I have prayed many times to God, to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
Mary Cooper: Well, He came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.

Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. So, I will condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mary: That is very Christian of you.

Mary Cooper: It's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale Watching. All-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet. And my personal favorite, Gunning with God.

Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself. I always had to earn it.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.

Sheldon: I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Weisskopf.
Mary: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats, and you gave 'em cute Jewish names.

Sheldon: Well then why are you doing it?
Mary: Because I'm not perfect, Shelly. And that man's booty is.

Mary Cooper: You don't hunt, do you?

Mary Cooper: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don't say that either. I'll make you list.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.

Mary Cooper: Lord, Mary Cooper here, coming to you from Gomorrah, California.

Mary Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was thirteen and he tried to build a nuclear reaction in the tool shed.
Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.
Mary Cooper: Now, the first thing you need to know about Shelly is, ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium!
Mary Cooper: Oh, well! Well, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow-cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about twinkies from one of his friends.
Sheldon: Yeah. But I wasn't, because I didn't have any friends.
Mary Cooper: No. It turns out this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.