Howard: (To Raj) Will you play the ukelele?
Raj: Sure, I'd be happy to shred it on my axe.
Howard: Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.

Howard: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.

Josh: So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy?
Howard: It was actually just a mechanical hand.
Josh: 'Cause that's all you need, right?
Howard: You are my brother.

Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
Howard: That's true, you'd rust.

Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.
Amy: You and me both, brother.

Sheldon: I've got to find a way to stop this thing.
Leonard: Buddy, I don't think you can. Once it's out there, it's out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.
Sheldon: Frankly, I'd prefer a sex tape.
Leonard: You don't know what a sex tape is, do you?
Sheldon: No.

Bernadette: Great news. A raccoon virus just crossed the species barrier and can now infect humans.
Raj: Why is that great news?
Bernadette: In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying: mo' infections, mo' money.