Raj: Here you go.
Stuart: Thank you.
Raj: Shall we toast?
Stuart: To Howard and Bernadette, and the house key they never asked me to return.

Stuart: Oh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.

Stuart: Would you mind stocking these?
Denise: Actually, I'm not on the clock today. I'm just hanging out with my boyfriend.
Stuart: Ah, cool. Huh. That's me, right?
Denise: Oh, I forgot to tell you, I broke up with you, and now I'm dating that guy.
Stuart: I know you're joking, but my flight-or-flight response doesn't.
Denise: Isn't it fight-or-flight?
Stuart: Not for me.

Stuart: Whoa, whoa. You're not gonna cut open a meteor, are you? Have you not learned anything from comic books? Space viruses? Pod people? I sell nothing but warnings.

Sheldon: My mother was at bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound coming from my parents' bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.
Penny: Oh, that's awful!
Sheldon: I know. It's also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean, the first one's traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.

Sheldon: Being with Amy has awoken the sexual creature within. When I see a pretty gal walking down the street, I think, "hubba hubba" like any other guy.
Penny: You kiss your mother with that mouth? 'Cause it's fine.

Bernadette: Uh, I left my phone downstairs!
Howard: Damn, so did I.
Bernadette: Wait, I have my iPad.
Howard: What are you going to do, e-mail 911?