Howard: Well, gotta go.
Bernadette: Oh! Already? Why don't you stay over?
Howard: Well, I'd love to, but you know my mother needs me in the morning.
Bernadette: Please, I think the woman can manage to put a wig on by herself.
Howard: It's not just the wig. It's pinning her hair up, drawing on her eyebrows. It's a two-person job.

Howard: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.

Howard: I invented a game. Want to play?
Leonard: Sure.
Howard: It's called Emily or Cinnamon. I give you actual quotes I've heard Raj say, and you guess if he was talking to his girlfriend or his dog.

Bernadette: Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me every day at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: Sex criminals don't have key, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Where were you so late?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette
Mrs. Wolowitz: I know what that means, I watch Dr. Phil. I hope to God you used a condom.
Howard: I am not having this conversation with you, ma.
Mrs. Wolowitz: God forbid you get one of them fancy sex diseases.
Howard: Nobody has a disease!
Mrs. Wolowitz:I hope not. I share a toilet with you. Is that what you want, to give your mother herpes?

Amy: So, you feeling better?
Penny: Not really.
Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who's upset.
Sheldon: I'll make tea.
Penny: Sweetie, it's OK. I don't want tea.
Sheldon: It's not optional.

Amy: Thanks to you, I just made a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.