Mary Cooper: How was your flight?
Beverly Hofstadter: Very pleasant. And yours?
Mary Cooper: Lovely. Almost as if someone - not saying who - was watching over the plane.
Beverly Hofstadter: You're kidding, right?
Leonard: Subtle, mom, real subtle.

Sheldon: It's not my fault your mother likes me better than she does you.
Leonard: Oh, don't flatter yourself. She likes everybody better than she likes me.

Leonard: I can do that. From now on, this mouth, you and food. That's it.

Penny: Anyway, you want to make out?
Leonard: I thought because our relationship was in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow?
Penny: Okay. Do you want to make out slow?
Leonard: I can go so slow. It'll be like there's a snail in your mouth.

Leonard: Listen. If you're imagining that it was sexy, it wasn't. We were both drunk and she smelled like an ashtray. The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth.
Penny: Did you feel guilty?
Leonard: Well, she had dental insurance.

Leonard: So, are you going to give us a clue where we're headed?
Raj: Okay. Let's see. They've got spicy food and there's a chance you'll get diarrhoea.
Leonard: India.
Raj: We can drive there.
Leonard: Your house?

Raj: When did you learn how to change a tire?
Howard: Every self-respecting gentleman should know how in case he comes across a damsel in distress by the side of the road.
Sheldon: If I see one scorpion, I am getting on someone's shoulders and never coming down.
Leonard: And there's your damsel.

Penny: What else can you do? Move back in with him?
Leonard: No, of course not. I just feel bad.
Penny: Well, so do I, but don't you want to live with your wife and set the thermostat to whatever you want? And have your body tell you when it's time to go to the bathroom? You know, not a schedule slipped underneath your door every morning?
Leonard: I did like that he had the weather on it.

Penny: Trust me, this is the right thing.
Leonard: I know. And it's not like we're abandoning him.
Plus, we can FaceTime him whenever we want, you know, once iPhones are invented in his universe.

Penny: I can't believe Sheldon was gonna ask Amy to marry him.
Leonard: I know. I also can't believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it.

Sheldon: Oh, I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.
Penny: Public nudity?
Leonard: Eh, that just means going barefoot.

Leonard: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
Dr. Gallo: Ah, it's my pleasure. I'm curious, are you related to Dr. Beverly Hofstadter?
Leonard: Uh, she's my mother. You know her?
Dr. Gallo: No, not personally, but I have read all of her books.
Leonard: Well, then you know her better than I do.
Dr. Gallo: Well, I'm not so sure about that. But I can tell you I do not agree with her theories on child rearing at all.
Leonard: Really? Any chance you find them cold, cruel and unsuitable for innocent little boys who just want to be happy?
Dr. Gallo: Well, I didn't want to say it-
Leonard: No, no, say it. Sing it. Rent a plane, write it in the sky.

Leonard: All right, well, after we talked about my issues with my mother - nothing too deep, just how she ruined my life - I told her about you and your drug; she said she'd be happy to meet you.
Penny: Really? Oh, you're the best husband ever!
Leonard: So you'll go to the Doctor Who convention with me next week?
Penny: I guess.
Leonard: Oh, I actually did hear your eyes roll that time.

Penny: And now Ben Affleck is Batman?
Emily: Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.
Penny: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.
Bernadette: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo + Juliet.
Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.
Leonard: And it's gone.

Sheldon: You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I'll see where she is.
Leonard: Oh, that's nice. Most people her age don't embrace technology.
Sheldon: Oh, no, she doesn't even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.
Leonard: Same as when we lost you at the zoo.
Sheldon: Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn't find the cart.
Leonard: Still doesn't explain how you ended up on the freeway divider.