Mary: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully, He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.

Mary Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.
Sheldon: Oh, it's quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.
Mary Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
Mary Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.

Mary Cooper: Leonard, don't trouble yourself. He's stubborn. He may stay in there 'til the rapture.

Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?
Mary Cooper: When your idiot brother redeems mankind, he can date whoever he wants.

Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
Mary: That's not funny. ... Maybe we should sit at the table.

Mary Cooper: Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

Mary Cooper: You know we have an Indian gentleman at the church. Dr. Patel. It's a beautiful story. The Lord spoke to him and moved him to give us all 20% off on Lasek. You know those that needed it.

Mary Cooper: Now let's get crackin'. Shower. Shirt. Shoes. And let's shove off.

Mary Cooper: Now, don't you move. I'll bring over all the food.
Leonard: No, I can do it.
Mary Cooper: Well, isn't that sweet.

Mary Cooper: It's called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating: five thorny crowns.

Mary Cooper: Hun, you think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with, is because you're letting them ride the roller-coaster without buying a ticket?

Amy: Sheldon, your mother's an attractive woman. You need to get used to the fact that men are going to be interest in her.
Sheldon: Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.
Amy: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: What- you're not my mother.
Mary Cooper: Don't you be disrespectful to her.
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.
Mary Cooper: You'll get there. You've just gotta put some zing on it.

Mary Cooper: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday, you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains, and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
Sheldon: What, so - You thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life?
Mary Cooper: No! Just for the middle part. 'Cause at the end I assumed there'd be nurses.

Amy: He's been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him?
Mary Cooper: He's upset with me. I should be the one who talks to him. (stays seated and works on her knitting)
Amy: Are you going to?
Mary Cooper: Oh, heck no.

Mary Cooper: I tell you, I love that boy to death but he has been difficult since he fell outta me at the K-Mart.