Mary: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully, He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.

Dr. Gablehauser: Now that's impossible, you must have had him when you were a teenager.
Mary Cooper: Oh, aren't you sweet. His father's dead.

Mary Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.
Sheldon: Oh, it's quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.
Mary Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
Mary Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.

Mary Cooper: Leonard, don't trouble yourself. He's stubborn. He may stay in there 'til the rapture.

Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?
Mary Cooper: When your idiot brother redeems mankind, he can date whoever he wants.

Mary Cooper: I've always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.
Mary Cooper: Sure you do.

Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
Mary: That's not funny. ... Maybe we should sit at the table.

Mary Cooper: There's no alcohol in this household. Stop talking like that. And lose the hat.

Mary Cooper: Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

Mary Cooper: You know we have an Indian gentleman at the church. Dr. Patel. It's a beautiful story. The Lord spoke to him and moved him to give us all 20% off on Lasek. You know those that needed it.

Mary Cooper: You have to take your time with Sheldon. His father, God rest his soul, always used to say to me "Mary, you have to take your time with Sheldon."

Leonard: No, she's real.
Mary Cooper: Did they sin?

Mary Cooper: Now, don't you move. I'll bring over all the food.
Leonard: No, I can do it.
Mary Cooper: Well, isn't that sweet.

Mary Cooper: Hun, you think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with, is because you're letting them ride the roller-coaster without buying a ticket?

Howard: So this spring I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper: Oh my word. A trip to the heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you can read.