Leonard: If you want help, just hire a grad student.
Penny: Maybe I could do it.
Sheldon: You, really? You can assess the quality of my work? Okay, um, here. I wrote this when I was five years old.
Penny: A proof that algebraic topology can never have a non self-contradictory set of abelion groups. Im just a blond monkey to you, aren't I?
Sheldon: You said it, not me.

Howard: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a Summer's Eve.
Penny: Yeah and the bag it came in.

Penny: I think we'll pass.
Howard: Oh, is the Mrs speaking for the couple now?
Leonard: In this case, you bet she is.

Sheldon: Please don't take my looking forward to Leonard coming home as criticism of you in his absence. That criticism will come later in your report card.
Penny: Yeah, I didn't stay for the detention. I'm not going to read the report card.

Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Penny: You clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.

Leonard: Were you seeing other men?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Aren't you going to ask me?
Penny: Come on, really?

Penny: I don't know if I wanna cook for him. He's kind of a picky eater. "It's too salty. It's too dry. It's too burnt and frozen at the same time."

Penny: I love where you skip over the part where no one asks.

Penny: Oh, I didn’t tell you? You’re banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don’t like your attitude.

Penny: Oh, it's not so bad. You lost money, you're filled with shame, and you got groped by a stranger. That's Vegas. You nailed it.

Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching; somebody's having date night.

Penny: You know, not a lot of people know this. But the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim.
*Amy and Bernadette look puzzled by Penny's knowledge*
Penny: That's right, my phone is just as smart as you guys!

Leonard: You feel like driving to Arizona with me?
Penny: I can't. I have that job interview.
Leonard: Oh, right.
Penny: Besides, I don't need six hours of "Your hair is different. Why did you change your hair? I'm holding my breath until your hair grows back."

Penny: The great thing about Ernie (Sesame Street Puppet) is that he didn't ask for anything, he just gave.

Penny: I was in junior rodeo. I can hog-tie and castrate him in 60 seconds.