Bert: May I join you?
Raj: No, you can’t join us. Just go climb back up whatever beanstalk you came down from.

Raj: My heart is stone. From now on, I'm a monk. I renounce all worldly pleasures. Except for lobster. And garlic butter.

Raj: I guess you could say Raj is my name and stars are my game.

Howard: We were worried about you.
Raj: Oh, just because I've stopped going to work and answering my phone, you think something bad has happened. Maybe something good happened.
Bernadette: Did something good happen?
Raj: Of course not. Nothing good ever happens.

Leonard: Yeah, you can't stay in your apartment for the rest of your life.
Raj: Why not? With online shopping and overnight delivery, I can get anything I want. Look, I just ordered a case of Dinty Moore beef stew and two live lobsters on Amazon.

Lucy: I'm kind of broken.
Raj: That's great. I'm broken, too.
Lucy: Oh, no you're not.
Raj: Oh, I totally am. If it wasn't for this beer, I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage.
Lucy: Well how do I know you're not just saying that?
Raj: Go out with me on one date. I promise you, you'll see.

Raj: Later, losers!

Raj: I was going to spend the night with my special little lady, but she got worms and I had to take her to the vet.

Raj: You know, you and I have so much fun hanging out together. If you were a girl, all our problems would be solved.
Stuart: What?
Raj: Oh yeah, think about it. We'd hang out, read comic books, we'd see movies. It'd be like the best relationship ever.
Stuart: That does sound nice.
Raj: Then I'd take you home, slip off your little black dress and just pile-drive you into oblivion.
Stuart: What?

Raj: Oh my God. She's not going to bathe me, is she?

Raj: How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed like 3 times.

Howard: They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible anal leakage.
Raj: Is there a good anal leakage?
Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie's idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation.
Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made.

Howard: My mom's been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.
Howard: She's huge. It was funny.

Howard: Great. Come on in.
Raj: What, you don't say thank you?
Howard: It's my suitcase. I lent it to you two years ago.
Raj: Well, then, I should tell you I broke the wheel and the handle.

Raj: Oh, I'm not dark chocolate. I'm melt-in-your-mouth caramel.