Howard: If you don't leave now, she'll use food and guilt to keep you there the rest of your life.

Howard: Honestly, if I could bend that far what would I need with you.
Bernadette: If you could bend that far, you'd be doing both of us a favor.

Mrs. Wolowitz Oh please. You're a tall glass of brown water. Have dessert.

Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways.
Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed, I would sign on, no further questions asked.
Amy: Great. Here I am!
Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?
Amy: Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?
Sheldon: Um...
Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I'm not a stranger, we're both intellectually compatible, I'm willing to chauffeur you around town, and your personality quirks, which others find abhorrent and rage-inducing, I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: Tell me one reason why this isn't a fantastic idea.
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: See? You can't. I'm gonna go see if Leonard's room is big enough for my water bed.
Sheldon: Um.

Sheldon: Feelings? What am I, a hippie at a love-in?

Sheldon: Oh really, Leonard? Are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?
Leonard: Hissy fits? I have hissy fits?
Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.

Amy: Check this out. I took the liberty of scripting a new outgoing voice mail message for both of us.
Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon.
Amy: And this is Amy.
Sheldon: We're not home right now.
Amy: 'cause we out dropping science, son.
Both: Leave a message.
Amy: Beep.

Raj: Oh my God. She's not going to bathe me, is she?

Amy: Then what the hell, Sheldon? We have been going out for over two years, and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss 'cause you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend youre ever gonna have. You give me one good reason why I can't live here.

Sheldon: I suppose there's no choice but to face the crying, angry accusations, and the high pitch wails of despair.
Penny: Yeah and who knows how Amy will react.

Raj: How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed like 3 times.

Howard: You're still at my mother's?
Raj: I'm trapped. My clothes have been in the laundry all day, and she hid my keys. I think they might be in her bra, because she jingles when she walks. What do I do?
Howard: Hey, you wanted a woman in your life. Now you got one.

Leonard: Screw you, Sheldon. You are the most annoying person I have ever met.
Sheldon: What? I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast. Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch. Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts 'cause you think they're ugly. You're impossible.

Howard: They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the side effect of horrible anal leakage.
Raj: Is there a good anal leakage?
Howard: Anyway, it was Bernie's idea to rebrand the stuff as a cure for constipation.
Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, from around the corner where fudge is made.

Howard: My mom's been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
Raj: Dumped her? What, did he use a forklift? Sorry. There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.
Howard: She's huge. It was funny.