Howard: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six torque screwdriver.
Sheldon: Stop. We can't do this. It's not right.
Raj: Sheldon, you have two choices. Either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
Sheldon: But once you open the box, you've voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Leonard: Okay, then we wont touch the hard drive. We'll just erase the first season of Battlestar.
Sheldon: (Rips off the sticker) There. We're outlaws.

Raj: Thanks for coming with me.
Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited edition Green Lantern lantern.
Raj: Did you really have to bring it in with you?
Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?

Raj: Please, Sheldon, I'm a lost Indian boy far from home, and I want a girlfriend and I want her to be Abby, and she'll only come over if she can bring Martha.
Sheldon: Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make, threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy, plea, invocation, supplication, or "vetoomus" that you can employ that would convince me to reconsider.
Raj: My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
Sheldon: Oh, my. I've admired these for years.
Raj: So does that mean we can go with the girls again?
Sheldon: Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!

Howard: Sheldon, I know Stephen Hawking. I worked with him.
Sheldon: And if they ever come out with a game called Words with People You Once Worked With, you'll be off to the races.

Sheldon: Play. Play. Play. Play. Play.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play. Play. Ugh! He must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.

Leonard: Sheldon, I wasn't done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her. And she's my girlfriend. I, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren't I allowed to help her?
Sheldon: Yeah, I hear you, brother.
Leonard: No. You need to give me some advice.
Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh?
Leonard: No, specific to my situation.
Sheldon: Blond women, huh?
Leonard: Empathetic.
Sheldon: It sucks to be you.
Leonard: I quit.

Sheldon: I will play the word "at" for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.
Howard: What are you waiting for? Hit send.
Sheldon: I can't. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.
Raj: So don't do it.
Sheldon: Oh, but I want to be Hawking's friend.
Howard: So do it.
Sheldon: Oh, but if I do, I'll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.
Raj: Then don't do it.
Sheldon: I won't. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.
Howard: Good for you.
Sheldon: 'course she also told me that every animal in the world got on one boat, so what does she know? And send.

Howard: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn't.
Leonard: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!

Sheldon: Well, I found the perfect wedding date.
Amy: That's terrific!
Sheldon: No, it's not. It was May 19, 1996. We would have had a lovely wedding. And our honeymoon would have coincided with the first appearance of the Hale-Bopp comet.
Amy: Sheldon, you were 16.
Sheldon: And in Texas. No one would have batted an eye. Oh, wait, it's no good. That's the day that Jon Pertwee, the third Doctor Who, died.
Amy: And it's in the past.
Sheldon: Hey-hey, I said it's no good. Just let it go.

Howard: You don't even have a license.
Sheldon: Actually, I do.
Howard: Really? Since when?
Sheldon: Three years ago. I went on a bit of a license kick. I'm also a commercial fisherman.

Amy: How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?
Everybody: Oh!
Sheldon: As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares.
Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.

Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we're going to Wil's. This is your last chance.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.

Sheldon: Here's the problem with teleportation.
Leonard: Lay it on me.
Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.
Leonard: How about that.
Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard: That is a problem.

Leonard: So, Dennis, how long have you been in America?
Dennis Kim: A year and a half.
Leonard: No kidding. You speak English really well.
Dennis Kim: So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Dennis Kim: That.
Sheldon: He's not wrong.

Howard: I've been at this lab for three years, you've never came by to say hello.
Sheldon: Well, up until now I've had better things to do. So, what are we making today?
Howard: A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that's going up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon: Really, how does it work?
Howard: When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.
Sheldon: Uh, huh. So it's a shelf?
Howard: No, you don't understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide ... yeah, okay, it's a shelf.