Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence.

Leonard: I'm not being weird. Am I being weird?
Sheldon: Yes. And that's coming from me.

Sheldon: Then it's settled. Amy's birthday present will be my genitals.

Penny: Well, she did soften your life, didn't she?
Sheldon: Yes! She's like the dryer sheets of my heart!

Sheldon: Thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.

Sheldon: (3 knocks) Penny! (3 knocks) Penny! (3 knocks) Penny!
Bernadette: What happens if I say come in?
Penny: Well, find out.
Bernadette: Come in!
Sheldon: (silence)
(3 knocks) Bernadette! (3 knocks) Bernadette! (3 knocks) Bernadette!
Penny: Come in!
Sheldon: Keep it up. I've got nowhere else to be.
Bernadette: Just come in.
Sheldon: For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls, I'll just stream it on Netflix.

Penny: Sheldon, we know this is a sensitive subject, and Leonard's not going to move out until you're ready.
Sheldon: What if you did it gradually?
Leonard: All right, how about we start with two nights a week I live with Penny?
Sheldon: How about one night and I let you whistle?
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: When I'm not home.

Leonard: You'll never guess what just happened.
Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal, which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back, to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work at the think-a-torium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Awww.
Leonard: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon: Who would ever guess that?

Penny: This is why I've been saying we should keep champagne on ice.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: That was tricky because when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.

Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Biosuit Nurse: Wait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed.
Sheldon: (Covering his face with his shirt) No, I haven't. It's all good.

Sheldon: (To Amy) Do you have any idea what it's like to wait for years and never know if you're finally going to get satisfaction?

Penny: Do you want to stop? I know you have trouble with eye contact.
Sheldon: Well, you have a brown fleck in your right iris that looks like a Formula 1 race car, so I'm just concentrating on that. Plus it's easier around people I'm comfortable with.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, I'm comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: Of course you are. I'm warm and soothing. I'm like a human bowl of tomato soup.

Sheldon: There's no denying that I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.

Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.
Sheldon: Oh, not just date night. Our 5th anniversary.
Penny: Okay, see, that's even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.
Sheldon: If that happens, don't make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.

Howard: I thought you didn't like Facebook any more.
Sheldon: Don't be silly, I'm a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.