Sheldon: Why don't you tell them I take tolls at the Golden Gate Bridge? A Rocket Scientist, how humiliating!

Sheldon: How would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?

Sheldon: Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds and that I'm having regular bowel movements.

Missy: (Talking to the guys) He was trying to build some sort of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
Sheldon: Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.

Sheldon: Why does everyone suddenly wanna talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.

Sheldon: I'm a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
Missy: And what do you mean "mediocre stock"?!
Sheldon: That would be you.

Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First, the late hour, then you demeanor seems very low energy, plus your irritability.
Leonard: Yes, I'm upset!
Sheldon: Oh. I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon: (walks away and then turns back) Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what's bothering you?
Leonard: I don't know. Maybe.
Sheldon: Wow! I'm on fire tonight.

Leonard: I just assumed. Who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon: In a Venn diagram that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets 'no longer want my time machine' and 'need $800'.

Penny: I'm running really late (to work).
Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution: Go up to the roof, hop over to next building, there's a small gap, don't look if you suffer of vertigo, and use their stairwell.
Penny: You are joking, right?
Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.

Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on whole wheat.
Raj: What did they give you?
Sheldon: Turkey and Roast beef with swiss and lettuce on whole wheat.
*The guys look at Sheldon*
Sheldon: It's the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.

Leonard: How are we gonna get it upstairs?
Sheldon: If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard: Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon: I've been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard: Not necessary, I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot satellite payloads. When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Pushing button on elevator) Nah, that baby's broken.

Penny: Oh, please, it's not a time machine, if anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time, it would be worse than useless in a swamp.

Penny: What the hell's going on?
Sheldon: You hypocrite.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Little Miss Grown-Ups-Don't-Play-With-Toys! If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!

Sheldon: Oh, no, not Morlocks, not flesh eating Morlocks! Help!

Sheldon: Leonard, it's two in the morning.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, it's my turn.