Stuart: Oh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.

Stuart: I haven't seen this many people in my store since that Korean Church bus crashed through my window.

Stuart: You know something, Jesse. You may have a successful business and the kind of pink complexion that comes with good nutrition, but I have something more important.
Jesse: What's that?
Stuart: Friendship ... which I would trade in a heartbeat for all this.

Bernadette: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: *startled* Hey.
Bernadette: Sorry, did I startle you?
Stuart: Yes, but at this point pretty much any customer does.

Bernadette: I accidentally destroyed one of Howard's comic books this morning and I was hoping I could replace it.
Stuart: What happened?
Bernadette: Batman got his ass kicked by my curling iron.
Stuart: Don't let the Riddler know that. It's a comic book joke.
*Bernadette stares blankly*
Stuart: Or maybe it's not.

Stuart: How about those guys on that bench over there? They look pathetic. Maybe we could talk to them.
Raj: That's a mirror.

Bernadette: Raj, when you said you were going to bring a date to watch Penny's thing tonight, I didn't think you meant Stuart.
Howard: Really? I never for a second thought it'd be anything else.

Stuart: When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.
Raj: Are possums cute?
Stuart: Not at all.

Stuart: Hello. Oh good, I'm glad you guys didn't wait for me to start. Although you said seven and it's seven. It's fine!

Raj: In the last hour 162 people have read our profiles. How many of them have sent us messages?
Stuart: Combined?
Raj: Yes.
Stuart: Zero.

Stuart: I don't think I've ever felt so rejected. And I had a rescue dog that ran back to the pound!

Stuart: Aw man, if I'd started this years ago I'd be divorced two or three times by now.

Stuart: That's right, ladies. For all you know, I'm confident and fun to be around.

Raj: Okay, let's try it again. But this time, pretend the girl you want to meet doesn't want to hurt you.
Stuart: I don't think I can give you that.

Raj: What did you put as the one word description of yourself?
Stuart: I put unobjectionable. But now I hear it out loud, it just seems like I'm being cocky.