Beverly Hofstadter: Hello, dear.
Leonard: You called my mother?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?
Beverly Hofstadter: He's been like that since he was a toddler. Look, Mommy, a butterfly. Maddening.

Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon informed me that you're experiencing an emotional upheaval, and I'm here to help.
Leonard: That's so nice.
Beverly Hofstadter: And we're back to the obvious. Now, what's up?

Raj: Oh, good. Um, can I tell people that our love burned too bright and too quickly? Kind of a Candle in the Wind deal?
Penny: Sure.
Raj: Cool. Can I say it fell apart because you were all, I want to have your babies, and I was like, Im too rock and roll to be tied down?
Penny: No.
Raj: Can I say I ruined you for white men?
Penny: Also no.
Raj: Okay, just the candle thing.
Penny: Yeah.

Penny: Well, I already talked to Raj, but I wanted to apologize to the rest of you for, you know, everything.
Raj: Please, Penny, let me. We've decided to let our crazy, wonderful night together be just one of those memories you have and can call to mind when you're feeling blue or you're in the shower. (places a hand on Penny's shoulder)
Penny: Hey, what you doing, Quick Draw?
Raj: Sorry. Go on.

Sheldon: What about Nebraska?
Penny: Oh hell with Nebraska. I'm gonna be a star!

Sheldon: Now, knowing Penny, the obvious answer is, they engaged in coitus. But, since that's what it looked like, we can rule that out. Let's put on our thinking cap, shall we? (Mimes doing so) Raj is from India, a tropical country. Third world hygiene. Parasitic infections are common, such as pinworms. The procedure for diagnosing pinworms is to wait until the subject is asleep, and the worms crawl out of the rectum for air. (Leonard spits out his food) Yes, just like that. Penny could have been inspecting Raj's anal region for parasites. Oh, boy. That's a true blue friend.
Leonard: They slept together, Sherlock.
Sheldon: No, you weren't listening. She said, it's not what it looks like.
Leonard: She lied.
Sheldon: Oh. Well don't I look silly sitting here wearing this?

Sheldon: That sounds like sarcasm, but I'm going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don't see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defense. But I also can't be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.

Raj: You're just jealous because it turns out I'm Penny's number two choice after Leonard.
Howard: Hey, if I wasn't engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.
Leonard: Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals.

Howard: You're not in love with Penny.
Raj: Yes, I am. The god Kamadeva has shot us with his flowery arrows of love.
Howard: Who?
Raj: He's the Hindu version of Cupid, but way better, because he rides a giant parrot.

Leonard: Raj, come on. You fall in love with any girl who smiles at you. A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancee.
Howard: I'm sorry. What?
Raj: Rubbish. He's talking rubbish.
Leonard: Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
Raj: That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I'm the dusky half of Koothrapenny.

Penny: Oh, my God, I screwed up everything. I hurt Leonard, I hurt Raj, I mean, what is wrong with me? I feel like two totally different people, Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.

Penny: You know, I've done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen at recess, but by the time my class got out there, he was already engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. So what did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars, let all the boys see my underpants.

Penny: You know what? Let's get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going?
Penny: Somewhere where no one's seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile.

Leonard: Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?
Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can't see you.

Penny: You know, I don't even know what the point of me staying in L.A. is. I haven't gotten a single acting job since I moved out here. The closest I came was last month, I got a callback for a hemorrhoid commercial.
Amy: Oh, I could so see you being the face of hemorrhoids.
Penny: I know, right?