Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?
Leonard: No. Why?
Sheldon: Good. Don't do it.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

Leonard: Buddy, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me, like I do to you when you say dumb things.

Penny: You wrote vows?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: I don't have any. You're kind of making me look bad.
Leonard: I don't have to say them.
Penny: No, go ahead. I'll come up with something mushy, you'll cry. We've got this.

Penny: Nicely done.
Leonard: Finally there's a Mrs. Hofstadter who isn't disappointed in me.
Penny: Well, the night is still young.

Leonard: Listen. If you're imagining that it was sexy, it wasn't. We were both drunk and she smelled like an ashtray. The boat was moving a lot, so I chipped her tooth.
Penny: Did you feel guilty?
Leonard: Well, she had dental insurance.

Mary Cooper: Well, honey, don't send it back yet. Your sister's married, and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.

Sheldon: Wow. Marriage must agree with you. You are just glowing.
Leonard: I'm not glowing. I'm upset.
Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it agrees with you.

Sheldon: Knock, knock, knock, Penny. Knock, knock, knock, Penny. Knock, knock, knock, Penny.

Sheldon: You know, this might sound far-fetched, but I'm on the market now. If I dated Mandy, that would teach both Leonard and Amy a lesson.
Penny: That's ridiculous.
Sheldon: Oh, you're right. I could never be with a woman whose self-esteem is so low she could be with Leonard.
Penny: I'm with Leonard.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Forever.

Penny: Well, I told her to be true to herself and do what makes her happy.
Sheldon: Do what makes her happy? She plays the harp and her car is paid for. How much happier can she be?

Sheldon: Would you mind opening the door and then angrily slamming it behind me?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: Thank you.
And slam it hard, because I am pretty steamed.

Sheldon: I see what's happening. Sides are forming. Well, if Bernadette's on Amy's team, I pick Howard.
Howard: I'm not taking sides.
Sheldon: Fine. I guess I'm stuck with Raj.
Raj: Really?
Stuart: At least you got picked.

Leonard: Hey, if you're hungry, there's a breakfast buffet at the strip club next door.
Penny: Thanks, but I don't like glitter on my scrambled eggs.
Leonard: I don't think the strippers prepare the meal, but okay.

Sheldon: Amy's upset? Is it about me?
Leonard: No, I think it's because we're eloping.
Sheldon: Your marriage is causing her pain? You know great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love!

Leonard: Hang on. I believe I'm supposed to carry you across the threshold.
Penny: Can you?
Leonard: Who do you think carries Sheldon to bed when he falls asleep in front of the TV?