Howard: Oh, my God, and do you have any idea how expensive having a kid is?
Raj: I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars? God, it's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.

Howard: That's it. I got to start earning more money right now.
Raj: I know, you could ask Bernadette for a raise in your allowance.
Howard: This isn't a joke.
Raj: I wasn't joking.

Amy: Hey, let's go do something to get your mind off this.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, we should go out.
Bernadette: Where?
Penny: Uh, I don't know, a bar?
Bernadette: Can't drink.
Penny: We can, but all right.

Raj: I'd like to propose a toast to our friend, Howard. His, um, his big heart, his beautiful soul-
Leonard: And his tight little pants that somehow did not make him sterile.

Howard: If I'm gonna have any chance of raising this kid, I need to come up with a big idea to make some money.
Leonard: There's no reason you can't.
Howard: That's easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.
Leonard: That's just research. We're never gonna make any money from it.
Sheldon: Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. It reminds me of my daddy's secret "Don't Tell Mama" juice.

Sheldon: That's some smart talk from a guy who can't even keep his face in focus.

Amy: Think about all the fun things you get to do when you have a baby.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. You get to buy toys and little clothes.
Bernadette: I kind of already do that for Howie.

Bernadette: You guys can go in if you want.
Penny: No, we're a team. If you can't go in, we're not going in.
Amy: Then why are we drinking?
Penny: Okay, it's not like she's got the Christ child in there, all right?

Leonard: Hey, Raj, I read a couple guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system?
Sheldon: Oh, I heard about that. Why didn't you discover it?
Raj: Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys homemade jam for the holidays.
Sheldon: Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry

Howard: I shouldn't be raising a kid. I don't even eat my own vegetables.

Howard: Okay, how about this for an invention: slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas?
Leonard: How is that a new invention?
Howard: I don't know. All Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.
Raj: It's true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad.

Penny: That was such a fun night.
Leonard: Probably 'cause you got to see your man up there rockin' the mic.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat-box.
Leonard: Oh, that was really an asthma attack. I just sold it.

Howard: Morning.
Bernadette: Morning.
Howard: "We"? What is this?
Bernadette: I don't know. Maybe it says something on the back.
Howard: "Continued on milk." If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast, it didn't work for my mom, and it won't work for you.
"Are."
"We are ... see spoons for more."
Bernadette: What could it be? "We are Groot?" "We are the champions?" "We are family, I got all my sisters with me?"
Howard: Are you serious?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: Are you sure?
Bernadette: Pretty positive. That's a joke, because the pregnancy test says-
Howard: Oh, my God. This is incredible.
We're gonna be parents.
We're gonna get to board planes first.
We're finally gonna get to see what's in that family bathroom at the mall.

Howard: Look at this. I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn't have to worry about money. He can have all the kids he wants.
Sheldon: And can keep a small portion of their heads dry.

Howard: Oh. I mean, how do you prepare for something like this? I'm not even sure I've held a baby before.
Bernadette: Oh, it's okay, you'll figure it out.
Howard: But how's this all gonna work? Do we get a nanny? I mean, can we afford a nanny? And if we can, we can't get a pretty one, 'cause it'll wreck our marriage.
We can't get an ugly one, 'cause it'll scare the kid.
Bernadette: I don't know, Howie.
Howard: Are we in a good school district? You're Catholic, I'm Jewish. What religion do we raise it? And if it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? People say it's barbaric, but if we don't, it looks like a pig in a blanket.
Bernadette: Calm down, it's gonna be okay.
Howard: How's it gonna be okay? Look at me, I'm a mess. And that means this baby's gonna half a mess. And that's even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.