Howard: Hang on, I know a place where you could you stay and earn some money at the same time.
Stuart: Great!
Howard: I just have to warn you: it will involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse.
Stuart: So, what's the catch?

Stuart: Oh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.

Bernadette: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: *startled* Hey.
Bernadette: Sorry, did I startle you?
Stuart: Yes, but at this point pretty much any customer does.

Stuart: Okay, I'll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can't help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I'm 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.

Penny: [on the phone] No, mom. It's the same guy I've been going out with for the past two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it's complicated. He works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we have not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family.

Bernadette: But we have jobs, we can't babysit her twenty-four hours a day.
Howard: What if we use our vacation time?
Bernadette: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not Hell.

Bernadette: Sorry, I'm late. The leaf blower broke so I had to hand dry my mother-in-law.