Bernadette: Like our lawyers say, the world is full of things that can cause a rectum to bleed.

Howard: I'm sorry I didn't take you to the airport. I just want you to know I'll never forgive myself for being so selfish. And I promise to keep you close for the rest of my life.
Bernadette: Oh, no, that thing's gonna end up in my bedroom.

Bernadette: (Shouting from the bathroom) How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?
Howard: I'm in the middle of something.
Bernadette: So am I!

Bernadette: Gosh, Amy. I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon's work, your sex life is also theoretical?

Sheldon: Leonard, as soon as we get home, I want to have coitus with Amy. [checks for Amy's reaction] Okay, she can't hear.

Dan: You're scared of Bernadette?
Penny: Yeah, kinda.
Dan: I thought it was just me! Everyone thinks she's so nice with the little squeaky voice!

Sheldon: Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have you tried doing that?
Officer Hernandez: Nope.
Sheldon: Well, maybe you should. There's lots of books called Sherlock Holmes and there's no books called Officer Hernandez.