Bernadette: That bitch.
Howard: Oh, come on, he means well. He's just trying to impress his girlfriend.
Bernadette: I'm talking about Ruchi. She's after my job. Why do you think she said, "Take all the time you need"?
Howard: Because she was being nice?
Bernadette: No, she's trying to steal my projects while I'm at home taking care of this useless plant and my dumb family.

Bernadette: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette: From all the Dove bars I ate! I'm pregnant! Try to keep up!

Stuart: Oh, so she's good enough for Howard but not for me?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yeah. Go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.

Leonard: You don't go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps!

Howard: Why would the military want Sheldon?
Leonard: I don't know. Target practice?

Sheldon: And worse than that, Edison filmed the first on-screen kiss, so he's basically a pornographer. Although every time I put that in Wikipedia, someone takes it out.

Barry Kripke: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't tell me we were doing this just to stick it to Sheldon.
Leonard: Well-
Barry Kripke: I messing with you. This sundae just got a cherry on top!