Bernadette: That's pretty big talk for a man with a closet full of magic tricks at his mother's house.

Bernadette: I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me. Tammy Bodnick. One time, while I was in gym class, she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker.
Penny: Oh, that's awful.
Bernadette: Worst part was, it was too big.

Amy: You slept with him?
Penny: I didn't know what else to do. He had those big, sad eyes.
Bernadette: Oh, sure, you had no choice.

Penny: I'm not unhappy at all. It's just, I don't know, I've been in love before, but it felt different. But maybe this is a new, better, boring kind of love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard?
Bernadette: Oh, that's not really a fair comparison. I'm basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.

Penny: "With a heavy heart, Amelia stood before the newly repaired time machine. She regretted giving Cooper the part he needed."
Bernadette: Because she wanted him to give her the part she needed.

Amy: Why? What did I do?
Bernadette: I'm sorry. I had to get the spotlight off me, and tearing down other women is part of my pageant training.

Bernadette: (In pageant video) And you should pick me for Miss. California Quiznos 1999, because I want to tell you what I want, what I really really want. I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. I wanna. I wanna. I wanna. I wanna, really, really, be the California Quiznos 1999.

Bernadette: Search for it.
Penny: What? No. Why?
Bernadette: Because it would be fun to watch.
Penny: It would be humiliating.
Bernadette: Well now we have two reasons.

Bernadette: You're going to be fine. You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom. And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.

Howard: That was the last one. I promise we won't play it any more.
Raj: Thank you. Because if she ever found out, it would hurt her feelings.
Bernadette: Emily's feelings?
Raj: Yes, Emily!

Bernadette: Goodnight, real Penny. Goodnight, transvestite Penny.

Howard: You work in pharmaceuticals. Don't you have anything you can give him?
Bernadette: All I have is our new urine flow drug. Won't help with his anxiety, but it's so strong, when he pees he'll fly around the room like he's got a jet pack.

Bernadette: Are you okay?
Raj: No, I'm not okay. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.
Bernadette: I told you not to wax down there. It's itchy when it grows back.

Bernadette: It just builds character. Like my dad said, "Nobody likes a cry baby but their moms and Democrats."

Howard: I love that I'm a slob around here and you're kinda okay with that.
Bernadette: Uh-huh. And I love that I work and do all the cleaning and you're okay with that.