Bernadette: At the office, I have two assistants! I don't even know their names. I just call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.
Amy: I don't have assistants.
Bernadette: I guess that's one of the benefits of being in the private sector. That and all the money I make!

Bernadette: Look, I think that's LeBron over there.
Penny: James?
Bernadette: No, LeBron Kershenbaum.

Bernadette: If you like pushing buttons so much, try pushing them on the washing machine.

Raj: Let's go see if you fit in my man purse.
Bernadette: Metrosexual, my ass.

Amy: Oh my gosh, that's the girl that broke Rajesh's heart.
Bernadette: That's Lucy?
Penny: I don't know why but I always pictured her as Indian.
Bernadette: I think that reason's called racism.

Raj: Can I tell her she looks nice?
Bernadette: Sure.
Raj: Can I tell her I miss her?
Bernadette: Maybe, if she asks.
Raj: Can I show her an oil painting I made of us surrounded by our children and grand-children.
Bernadette: I'd save that for the second date.

Howard: That is a good point. But I didn't marry you for good points. I married you to blindly support me no matter how ridiculous I'm being.
Bernadette: This is why I had to rewrite our wedding vows.

Howard: I'm surprised you could hear me with this Thin Mint in your ear! *takes a Thin Mint from behind Josh's ear* Yeah, pretty cool, huh?
Josh: Yeah. Anyway, I should probably get going.
Bernadette: Howie, have you noticed how often people say that when you start to do magic?

Howard: So I have a dominant personality. We all know that.
Bernadette: I'm sorry. What do we know?
Howard: In social groupings, I just naturally wind up in charge.
Bernadette: Don't take this the wrong way, but how many of these little booze balls have you had?

Leonard: Okay, we saw them. Can we go catch the movie?
Bernadette: Why'd you bring him?
Penny: I had to. We're married now.
Bernadette: Ugh, I hear that.

Amy: Maybe intimate is what I need.
Bernadette: You sure? You've never really been with a man. Do you really want to start with one that's 6ft 7"?
Amy: Why not?
Bernadette: 'Cause it's like taking your driver's test in a bus.

Bernadette: Apple slices? What kind of lunatic goes to McDonald's and gets fruit?

Bernadette: Well, my boss said he hadn't decided yet, so I gently reminded him that he's an old rich white guy, and I'm a sweet little pregnant lady who's not afraid to cry in front of a jury.

Bernadette: You realize it's been years since we've got away just the two of us.
Howard: I know. I can't wait. Fancy hotel room. The big bed.
Bernadette: Yeah. We're gonna sleep our asses off.

Howard: How you doing?
Bernadette: Fine. Why?
Howard: Well, this is the furthest we've ever been away from the kids. I was just checking to see if you're okay.
Bernadette: I'm on my second Jack Reacher. I'm doing great.