Beverly Hofstadter: Well, Leonard's younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she's close to curing diabetes?
Beverly Hofstadter: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why? They're not my accomplishments. I have to urinate.

Beverly: Your relationship with him is fascinating. I'm preparing to write a book on high-achieving couples, and I would love to interview the both of you.
Amy: Oh, sure. I'll talk to Sheldon about it. You know, Bernadette's husband is a former astronaut.
Beverly: Really? Do you think he would be interested in being interviewed as well?
Bernadette: Do I think he'd be interested? Sometimes I hear him pretending to be interviewed when he's alone in the bathroom.
Beverly: Wonderful. I'll give you my contact information.
Bernadette: Um, you should probably talk to Penny, too.
Beverly: About what?

Leonard: She's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady, and you have to be respectful of her beliefs.
Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, I am an adult. I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life.
Leonard: Thank you.
Beverly Hofstadter: Where is she from again?
Leonard: East Texas.
Beverly Hofstadter: Ugh.

Beverly Hofstadter: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.

Alfred Hofstadter: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast.
Penny: Aww.
Alfred Hofstadter: Leonard, I am so happy that you have found a woman who loves and cares for you.
Beverly Hofstadter: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Alfred Hofstadter: Why don't you take a pill?
Beverly Hofstadter: Like you did before sex?
Alfred Hofstadter: What I really needed was a blindfold.

Beverly Hofstadter: Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yeah, I gotta put a sticker over that. So, you must be devastated about your divorce?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, not at all. Though I am a bit distressed to be a in vehicle that's not subjected to regular maintenance.

Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, would it make you feel better to hear that your mother approved of your life choices?
Leonard: Yes, it would.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yeah. Well, you should work on that.

Leonard: Just tell me the truth, Mother. Was my whole childhood just one big experiment?
Beverly Hofstadter: Of course not, dear. It was thousands of small experiments.
Leonard: So that's all I was to you, a-a test subject?
Beverly Hofstadter: No, you were my baby and I found you fascinating.
Leonard: Really?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, watching you develop, tracking your progress. I know I'm not the warmest of parents, but it was time we spent together, and, honestly, those are some of my fondest memories.
Leonard: When did you stop?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I can't tell you. The experiment isn't over.

Beverly Hofstadter: Your scan data will be very helpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.
Sheldon: I know. Although, I've always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.
Beverly Hofstadter: Common complaint among men. Nothing's ever big enough. Except when they get a tumor, Then you never hear the end of it.

Beverly Hofstadter: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.

Leonard: So, Mother, I'm surprised you came all this way for Sheldon's birthday.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I was happy to. He did come to my 60th.
Leonard: Oh, you had a party for your 60th?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I wouldn't call it a party. Just a few close friends. And your sister and brother.
Penny: You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn't invite her.
Beverly Hofstadter: And I never did thank you for that, dear.

Beverly Hofstadter: There's something I need to say to you.
Leonard: Oh really? That's too bad.
Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection. But today I realized that there's more than one way to raise a child.
Sheldon: I taught her that!
Beverly Hofstadter: Therefore, I would like to initiate a new protocol wherein I shower you with unconditional love.
Leonard: Wow. When does that start?
Beverly Hofstadter: So needy.

Beverly Hofstadter: Fascinating. How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you?

Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon, I know the future holds great things for you, and we all can't wait to see what they are. Happy birthday, dear.

Leonard: I mean, I-I didn't intend to write about Penny, but I guess maybe subconsciously I did.
Beverly Hofstadter: I believe you mean "unconsciously," dear.
Leonard: Yeah, sure. You know, it would be nice if you didn't correct me all the time.
Beverly Hofstadter: It would be nice if I didn't have to.