Leonard: She's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady, and you have to be respectful of her beliefs.
Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, I am an adult. I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life.
Leonard: Thank you.
Beverly Hofstadter: Where is she from again?
Leonard: East Texas.
Beverly Hofstadter: Ugh.

Beverly: Your relationship with him is fascinating. I'm preparing to write a book on high-achieving couples, and I would love to interview the both of you.
Amy: Oh, sure. I'll talk to Sheldon about it. You know, Bernadette's husband is a former astronaut.
Beverly: Really? Do you think he would be interested in being interviewed as well?
Bernadette: Do I think he'd be interested? Sometimes I hear him pretending to be interviewed when he's alone in the bathroom.
Beverly: Wonderful. I'll give you my contact information.
Bernadette: Um, you should probably talk to Penny, too.
Beverly: About what?

Alfred Hofstadter: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast.
Penny: Aww.
Alfred Hofstadter: Leonard, I am so happy that you have found a woman who loves and cares for you.
Beverly Hofstadter: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Alfred Hofstadter: Why don't you take a pill?
Beverly Hofstadter: Like you did before sex?
Alfred Hofstadter: What I really needed was a blindfold.

Beverly Hofstadter: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.

Beverly Hofstadter: Your scan data will be very helpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.
Sheldon: I know. Although, I've always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.
Beverly Hofstadter: Common complaint among men. Nothing's ever big enough. Except when they get a tumor, Then you never hear the end of it.

Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, would it make you feel better to hear that your mother approved of your life choices?
Leonard: Yes, it would.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yeah. Well, you should work on that.

Leonard: Just tell me the truth, Mother. Was my whole childhood just one big experiment?
Beverly Hofstadter: Of course not, dear. It was thousands of small experiments.
Leonard: So that's all I was to you, a-a test subject?
Beverly Hofstadter: No, you were my baby and I found you fascinating.
Leonard: Really?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, watching you develop, tracking your progress. I know I'm not the warmest of parents, but it was time we spent together, and, honestly, those are some of my fondest memories.
Leonard: When did you stop?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I can't tell you. The experiment isn't over.

Beverly Hofstadter: In any event, while I've had my misconceptions about *Penny*, Sheldon spoke very fondly of her. And if she is good enough for him, then she's good enough for me.

Leonard: So, Mother, I'm surprised you came all this way for Sheldon's birthday.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I was happy to. He did come to my 60th.
Leonard: Oh, you had a party for your 60th?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I wouldn't call it a party. Just a few close friends. And your sister and brother.
Penny: You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn't invite her.
Beverly Hofstadter: And I never did thank you for that, dear.

Penny: It's out of order.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, I can read the sign. I was just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.
Beverly Hofstadter: Again, I can read the sign. But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust which indicates the elevator has been non-functional for a significant period of time, which suggests either a remarkable passivity among the - I assume - 24-36 residents of this building - based on the number of mail boxes and typical urban densities - or a shared delusion of functionality.

Penny: You must be Leonard's mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, I don't know whether I must be, but yes.

Beverly Hofstadter: It's all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend Leonard's not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioral ticks that accompanied you learning to masturbate.

Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of fathers, Leonard, I'm divorcing yours.
Leonard: What?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, he was cheating on me.
Leonard: No.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. With some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress! Oh, no offense dear!

Beverly Hofstadter: Excuse me, Leonard. I'm the one getting a divorce, Mitsy's dead, why are you the one making a fuss?

Beverly Hofstadter: I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
Penny: Yikes.
Beverly Hofstadter: *laughs*
Penny: What's so funny?
Beverly Hofstadter: That's exactly what I say during orgasms: "yikes".