Howard: You just started seeing women naked again. I don't want you to be confused about where the boobs should be.

Howard: No, not like us. Creepy chummy. Like you and your dog.
Raj: She feeds him out of her own mouth?
Howard: I mean he calls her Debbie, she calls him Stewie, and they're all giggly around each other. And believe me when food goes in that mouth it does not come out.

Sheldon: It's an outrage. Honestly, I am tempted to leave the university.
Howard: You know, if you're really serious about that I hear there are some exciting opportunities in home care for the old and fat.

Bernadette: I don't think the service is going to send any more people.
Howard: Yeah, maybe it's time we just release Ma back into the sea.

Leonard: How's your mom holding up?
Howard: She's okay, but we just lost another nurse.
Amy: How many's that now?
Howard: Two, and I know what you're thinking: she's eating them.

Bernadette: She's just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon: So who's watching her now?
Howard: A bowl full of M&Ms with a few Ambien tossed in.

Bernadette: After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha?
Howard: A mocha?! Well, it must be nice to be Queen.

Mrs. Wolowitz: (Off screen) I'm hungry again!
Howard: It's like the world's fattest cuckoo clock.

Howard: Of course you would. You're a loving person. I'm what my people would call a putz.

Howard: Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?
Bernadette: You are a putz.
Howard: As advertised.

Howard: The doctor says you've got to get exercise.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I get plenty of exercise.
Howard: Crushing my will to live isn't exercise!

Raj: If she isn't going to use it, why are we doing this?
Howard: She'll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a honey-baked ham.

Howard: I think he's taking this Professor Proton thing pretty hard.
Raj: Should we try to console him?
Howard: Or should we respect his privacy in this moment of grief?
Raj: By staying here and watching the movie?
Howard: That's what good friends would do!

Raj: Maybe we should see how he's doing. ... But after the Cantina scene?
Howard: Obviously.

Howard: Why're you being so quiet? You upset or are you just rebooting?