Raj: Lock up your daughters, we're going to hit it and quit it.

*Amy walks into the kitchen where Raj and Bernadette are preparing dinner*
Amy: You need any help?
Raj: Yeah, can you reach that gravy boat up there?
Amy: Sure.
Raj: Great, that makes one of you.

Howard: Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film! There is going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.

Rajesh: What are you waiting for?! Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell's heart, stab at him!

Raj: (Mocking Howard) Ooh! Look at me, I don't have a foreskin!

Raj: This is all your fault! I should have listened to MunMun, because I've been playing with a cobra and her name is Penny! Why are you so cruel? Do you enjoy my pain?
Penny: There's a girl at the cheesecake factory I can set you up with.
Raj: I LOVE YOU PENNY!

Sheldon: Wait, I'm confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?
Howard: There's just some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.
Raj: Boy, when you met Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.

Raj: I'm telling you, dude. The only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.

Raj: What's wrong with people? Why don't they stop?
Sheldon: Maybe we're better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?
Leonard: Look at us, Sheldon. We're the crazy people!

Raj: If you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with a weapon of indifference, it was all of you!

Raj: (Talking about Howard) Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women, or around women, or at times even effeminate men.

Howard: I guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy.
Leonard: Then why do we go home alone every night? We're still smart.
Rajesh: Maybe we're too smart. So smart it's off-putting.
Howard: Yeah, let's go with that.

Raj: So, Saturday night. Can I count on my posse?
Howard: Jeez, I'd love to Raj but I can't make it.
Raj: Ah, okay, Leonard?
Leonard: Oh, ah, oh, I can ... no.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I can make it but I won't.

Raj: She's not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother, who's apparently very sick. Oh, and I believe she has to wash her hair.
Howard: Oh, you poor deluded bastard.
Raj: Don't start with me, dude.
Howard: You wanna go again? Let's go.

Raj: They don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my homerun swing.