Raj: You picked Stuart over one of us?
Sheldon: Well, I wanted to choose one of you, but you all turned against me.
Howard: Picking a best man isn't about keeping score.
Sheldon: But you're all my friends. I mean, if I didn't collect data, how could I possibly choose among the three of you?
Raj: Well, that's actually kind of sweet.
Sheldon: Is it? Well, then, perhaps I said it wrong.

Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my Facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don't know what else to do.

Sheldon: One thing you can't get on an iPad, the smell of ink and paper. One more reason iPads are better.

Penny: Honey, you'll be fine as long as you don't do that bungee cord thing, okay?
Sheldon: Penny, didn't you recently state that you and I are friends?
Penny: Yes, Sheldon, we are friends.
Sheldon: Then I hereby invoke what I'm given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship. The favor.
Penny: Oh, dear God.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was interrupting your morning prayers. When you're done, we'll go.

Sheldon: Here’s a fun question. Do you know what the most common street name is?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: The answer's tricky. It's Second Street. You see, you'd think it would be First Street, but in most towns, First Street eventually gets renamed to something else, you know, like Main Street, Broad Street, Michigan Avenue.

Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I'm farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.
Leonard: No kidding.
Sheldon: Well, no, no, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind. You know, a Homo Novus, if you will. No, that's for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.

Sheldon: What time does the trial period end?
Leonard: 12:00, noon.
Sheldon: Yeah, what does it say after that?
Leonard: Eastern Standard Time.
Sheldon: That was three hours ago. And, uh, since you didn't exercise your right to revoke, I exercised my right to extend, triggering this long-form rental agreement of which you're already in violation.
Leonard: This is just a-a bunch of paper. You can't enforce this.
Sheldon: Hire a lawyer. Let's find out.
Leonard: This is not happening.
Sheldon: Be that as it may, page nine says that you have to provide me with lemon-flavored sparkling waters, so chop-chop.

Raj: I thought you were boycotting Wil's show.
Sheldon: I was, but I decided to give it a shot, and I actually enjoyed it. Just out of curiosity, how did you come to be on the show? Did he ask you? Did you ask him? Did you just show up on the set and ring that doorbell?
Howard: Sheldon, if you want to be on the show, you're gonna have to apologize to Wil.
Sheldon: That would be the mature thing to do. Let's put a pin in that and keep thinking.

Amy: I'm all for promoting women in science, but I don't really want to be on Wil's show.
Sheldon: Is it because kids may be there, and they're known carriers of head lice? I get that.
Amy: Sure, that's the reason.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. You're always bragging that lice aren't attracted to you because your scalp is so oily. That was on your dating profile.

Sheldon: Instead of being in charge, I can be the vocal opposition, criticizing and badgering the president at every turn.
Amy: I think you'll be really good at that.
Sheldon: Me, too.
Leonard: I think I made a huge mistake.
Penny: Me, too.

Penny: Ooh, I'm gonna get the cheesecake out of the fridge.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I'm in Jewish hell.

Doctor Wolcott: Dr. Cooper, if you can promise me these men share your intellect and academic rigor, yeah, I suppose they can join us.
Sheldon: You guys might need to wait in the car.

Sheldon: I can smell that food truck from up here.
Amy: Just close the window if you don't like the smell.
Sheldon: Of course I like the smell. It's salt and fat. My brain may be evolved, but my tongue still wants to pick up a club and drag that truck back to my cave.

Penny: So, let me get this straight. You are the president of the tenants association?
Sheldon: President, only member, and harshest critic. I once gave myself an official reprimand for conducting a meeting in the shower. The steam warped my gavel.