Howard: Anyway, he said this isn't a replica. It's the real deal.
Sheldon: If you're suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement.

Sheldon: Mine!
Leonard: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.
Leonard: How is this maritime salvage?
Sheldon: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?

Leonard: All right, where's the ring?
Sheldon: You mean my ring?
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did.

Howard: So, Sheldon, how's it feel to get beaten up by a girl?
Sheldon: It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I'd have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.

Sheldon: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.

Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Howard, why don't you go after Raj's mother?
Raj: Why don't we go after your mother?
Sheldon: Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, religiously fanatical right-wing Texan with a slightly out-of-scale head and a mild Dr. Pepper addiction. Anything you'd like to add?

Sheldon: Waterfalls!
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.
Howard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.
Raj: It's not working, dude.
Sheldon: Oh-ho-ho, it's working all right. I have to pee.

Sheldon: Good Morning your honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se - that is to say representing himself.
Judge: I know what it means, I went to law school.
Sheldon: Yet you wound up in traffic court.

Sheldon: *Knock Knock Knock* Penny. *Knock Knock Knock* Penny.
Penny: *Opening her door* ... Penny.
Sheldon: That's just wrong.

Sheldon: I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.

Sheldon: That's the toilet?
Policeman: Well, it ain't a wishin' well!
Sheldon: Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.

Sheldon: *After just being jailed, at the biggest guy in the cell who's sitting on a bench* That's my spot.

Sheldon: While we live in a deterministic universe, you do have free will. Now sit down.

Sheldon: I've decided that I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month's Batman.
Howard: That's crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artefact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom

Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don't trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.