Sheldon: She's sending virtual livestock to random men on the Internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I'm gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.

Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.
Leonard: Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I'm helping you with Stephanie.
Leonard: By making constipated moose sounds?
Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.

Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can't argue with her results. It's a shame it won’t scar, the war wound is a time-honored badge of masculinity.
Leonard: I can't remember a time when you weren't talking.

Sheldon: Leonard, there's one more thing. Under Article One, Section Three of our Roommate Agreement, I'm calling an emergency meeting.
Leonard: No, you're not.
Sheldon: Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard, the motion fails. I'd like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed upon "cohabitation" rider which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.

Leonard: We're not living together.
Sheldon: I beg to disagree. "A girlfriend shall be deemed quote living with un-quote Leonard when she has stayed over for A. ten consecutive nights, or B. more than nine nights in three week period, or C. all the weekends of a given month plus three weeknights."
Leonard: That's absurd.
Sheldon: You initialed it. See? L.H., L.H., L.H.
Leonard: Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen! I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowers.
Sheldon: Hmm, yes, you did.

Leonard: I'm going to bed.
Sheldon: At least take this with you. Look, and have Stephanie initial here, here, here, here and here. This states that she does not now nor does she intend to play a percussive or brass instrument.

Sheldon: Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night.
Leonard: Oh come on! Sheldon, we don't ask questions like that.
Sheldon: I heard you ask it over and over. How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
Stephanie: He did very nicely.
Sheldon: See? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer.

Leonard: She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved. And you haven't heard about her because ... I never slept with her, I swear!
Sheldon: In Leonard's defense, it wasn't for lack of trying.
Leonard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're welcome, Leonard.

Penny: So, that's Stephanie, huh?
Leonard: Why do I feel like I'm the one that just got the prostate exam?
Penny: You know, she seems very nice.
Sheldon: Oh, she is. She's terrific, and shes proving to be a valuable roommate.
Penny: Roommate? You guys are living together?
Sheldon: Like hippies.

Stephanie: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.
Stephanie: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?
Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.
Stephanie: Thank you.
Sheldon: Didn't they teach you that in medical school?

Stephanie: I'm kinda busy here, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I understand. All I need is for you to authorize these tests.
Stephanie: A cardiac stress test, a full body MRI, an electromyogram, a CBC, baseline glucose, upper GI?
Sheldon: Oh, and an exploratory laparoscopy. Last time I had hiccups, it felt like my diaphragm was just going through the motions.
Stephanie: Go home, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Can I at least have the upper GI? I already drank the barium!

Raj: Here's what I wonder about zombies. What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.

President Siebert: So, listen, fellas, who's up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls.
Raj: Sounds great!
Howard: I'm in!
Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van. What's the occasion?
President Siebert: Just a little fund-raiser for the university.
Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.

Sheldon: No, no, no, I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert.

Sheldon: I must confess I don't understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there's simply no talking to me, why did you call? I'm sorry, someone's on the other line. Why don't you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we'll try again later.