Sheldon: Leonard, I don't think I can do this.
Leonard: What are you, kidding? You're a semi-pro.
Sheldon: No, we are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm's going to generate high-IQ offspring. Think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

Sheldon: According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack, but appears to be well enough to play Doodle Jump on his iPhone.

Sheldon: I see no organizational system in here whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays?
Penny: I don't need panties, I just need shorts and a shirt.
Sheldon: My mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.
Penny: One was already in an accident.
Sheldon: Doesn't mean one won't be in another, especially if I'm driving.

Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi, having spent 10 hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself onboard a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the 4th annual Dixie Trek Convention only to find that my idol, Wil Wheaton, decided he had better things to do than show up and sign my action figure.
Wil Wheaton: What?!
Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton, now I have my revenge.

Sheldon: Excuse me, are you saying that Wil Wheaton, a.k.a. Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation, is going to be participating in your tournament?
Stuart: I'm sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?
Sheldon: No, wait, you don't understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton. You know, Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me.
Raj: Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you're playing in the tournament. Sign here.
Sheldon: Yeah, I was such a fan that in 1995, I traveled 10 hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi wearing my Starfleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint-in-package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Raj: Oh, It'll be like a reunion then. Sign here.
Sheldon: (Mood changes) Yeah, my arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton.
Raj: Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him, sign here.
Sheldon: It might interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks 6th on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle.

Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal Wrath of Khan: "He tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him."
Raj: No doubt! Sign here.
Sheldon: (Signing) "From hell's heart, I stab at thee."

Penny: Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was the science officer. And I guarantee you that if he saw the Enterprise's "Check Engine" light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.

Sheldon: (To Stuart) I can buy all these things online, I come here for the personal service.

Raj: Hey, Sheldon, guess what I've heard today.
Sheldon: I'd imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work, you undoubtedly heard: Hello, Raj; How are you, Raj; and given you're wearing a new sweater vest, you may have heard: "New Sweater Vest" and possible, though less likely "Nice Sweater Vest."

Leonard: Can I have a napkin.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, no!
Leonard: But you have a whole bunch of napkins.
Sheldon: Yes, I've moved to a four napkin system, lap, hands, face, and personal emergency. If you like, starting tomorrow, I'll add a guest napkin but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you today.
*Leonard grabs a napkin.*
Sheldon: Good luck, that's the face napkin.

Leonard: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.
Sheldon: "Photographic" is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry.

Sheldon: All right, we're going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
Raj: Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight, ha, ha.
Sheldon stares at Raj.
Raj: I was making a joke.
Sheldon: I'm the boss. I make the jokes.
Raj: Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.
Sheldon: This is not the time for joking.

Leonard: Sheldon, you need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
Sheldon: What am I supposed to do? Eat French Toast on a Monday? Now that would be impossible.

Sheldon: That does smell good, too bad it's Monday.

Sheldon: Another carnal fiasco with the shiksi goddess.
Howard: Shiksa. Shiksa.
Sheldon: Forgive me, Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas, and if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.