Raj: No, you see, I'm doing this so I can stop being spoiled and, you know, grow as a person.
Stuart: Good for you. This sandwich has six dollars worth of ham in it.

Raj: Don't you even feel a little bad sponging off your friends?
Stuart: Hey, look, I went to art college, I tried to make it as a graphic artist, a comic book artist, and you know what I got for my efforts? A visible rib cage. I'm not kidding. You can see my heart beating.

Raj: Well, no offense, but I didn't go to art school. I have a PhD in astrophysics.
Stuart: Oh, great, it'll be easier for you to look up at the stars without a roof over your head.

Raj: Can I just stay in the garage?
Bernadette: Don't do that. We'll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning.
Raj: Thank you.
Stuart: Come on, I'll get you some sheets. Then I'll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.

Raj: I didn't think this is where my life would be.
Stuart: Me, either. I'm in a bedroom and you're on a couch. I'm actually winning.

Stuart: And if my heart stops, just let me go.

Howard: This is for you.
Raj: What's this?
Bernadette: It's back pay for all the babysitting and taking care of Halley you've done.
Howard: There's more than enough in there to cover Comic-Con.
Stuart: Um, I also take care of Halley.
Bernadette: And you live here for free.
Stuart: I do, ma'am, thank you, ma'am.

Raj: As much as I appreciate this, I can't accept it. Okay? Halley's my goddaughter, I don't take care of her for money.
Stuart: I would.

Stuart: Okay, I can give you 20 bucks for the whole box.
Raj: But you charged me hundreds for this stuff. I know.
Stuart: And I did it with a straight face.

Stuart: I'll give you 25 bucks. That's my best offer.
Raj: I have no choice.
Stuart: You know, if you want to make extra money, I could throw some work your way.
Raj: Really? I'll do anything.
Stuart: Great, you're hired. First thing you can do is put price tags on these. Start the little ones at $50.

Raj: I can't believe Penny's gonna get to go, and I'm not.
Sheldon: You can always watch the panels online. Oh, boy, we do say that a lot.
Stuart: "Panels." Just wanted to be included.

Stuart: So we just throw this away?
Raj: What else are you gonna do with it? Put it in your coffee?
Stuart: Well, I don't take it black.

Raj: Okay, you ladies have fun tonight.
Stuart: Don't worry about Halley. Uncle Stuart's on the job.
Raj: Under the careful supervision of her godfather.
Stuart: My apologies. I didn't mean to offend you, Don Corleone.

Leonard: How did you get the baby to stop crying?
Stuart: Oh, I just talked to her. I've been told the sound of my voice puts people to sleep.

Leonard: Sorry, Stuart.
Stuart: Hey, I'm in a hospital and I'm not the patient. I'm fine.