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Quote from the episode The Boyfriend Complexity

Wyatt: I want grandkids before I die and I want 'em to grow up in a house without wheels.

Quote from the episode The Conjugal Conjecture

Susan: Penny, I don't know what I was worried about. Your friends are just lovely.
Penny: Oh, thanks, Mom.
Susan: Although that Sheldon is a bit peculiar.
Penny: Is he? I never noticed.
Wyatt: He reminds me of that turkey we had who drowned looking up at the rain.

Quote from the episode The Conjugal Conjecture

Susan: All right, that's enough jail talk.
Randall: Penny knows where I was; she sent me cigarettes.
Susan: You sent your brother cigarettes?
Wyatt: He was cooking and selling crystal meth, Susan. I think we can let the cigarettes slide.

Quote from the episode The Conjugal Conjecture

Randall: You know, It's hard to believe I've never met Leonard.
Wyatt: Well, he probably buys his illegal drugs from a local vendor.
Susan: Not funny, Wyatt.
Penny: I thought it was really funny.
Wyatt: Thanks.

Quote from the episode The Boyfriend Complexity

Wyatt: Please, please, please don't give up on her.
Leonard: What?
Wyatt: I can't go back to the skateboard idiots, the white rappers and all those sweaty dumb-asses with their backwards hats.

Quote from the episode The Boyfriend Complexity

Wyatt: Leonard, you want to come in for a nightcap?
Penny: Oh, gee, dad, he'd love to, but Leonard has to work in the morning.
Leonard: Maybe I could go in a little late.
Penny: No, no, no, you can't. Your career is far too important.
Wyatt: Behind every great man is a nagging woman who won't let him have any fun, am I right, Leonard?
Leonard: Don't I know it.

Quote from the episode The Conjugal Conjecture

Wyatt: Welcome to the family, Leonard. Don't lend your new brother-in-law money.

Quote from the episode The Boyfriend Complexity

Leonard: Thanks for the steak, Wyatt.
Wyatt: My pleasure. Its nice to have dinner with a boyfriend of Pennys that knows how to use a napkin.

Quote from the episode The Boyfriend Complexity

Wyatt: Let me tell you about this one genius she was going out with. This, this fella Donnie.
Penny: Oh, will you please let it go?
Wyatt: Donnie was gonna make millions turning farm waste into bio-fuel and selling it to the government.
Leonard: A lot of people are doing that.
Penny: Oh, see?
Wyatt: Yeah, but all Donnie did was mix pig poop with a little water and pump it into his mom's Camry.

Quote from the episode The Boyfriend Complexity

Wyatt: And Donnie was a rocket scientist compared to that boy who wanted to get beer pong into the Olympics. What was his name, sweetheart?
Penny: Curtis, and I'm pretty sure he was joking.
Wyatt: I don't know. That petition looked real to me.

Quote from the episode The Boyfriend Complexity

Wyatt: Now I'm going to do something here to help you along.
Leonard: Excuse me?
Wyatt: Just don't panic. (yelling) Now, get your sorry, lying ass out of my face and make sure I never see it again!
Leonard: Oh, the reverse psychology thing. I see. That's very clever.
Wyatt: Don't yap. Just get out.
Leonard: I'll friend you on Facebook!

Quote from the episode The Conjugal Conjecture

Susan: Why would you do that?
Penny: What?
Susan: The world doesn't need to know our problems.
Penny: Well, Mom, I'm sorry, but-
Wyatt: Hey, look, they got Walgreens here, too.
Susan: You really think it's helpful to change the subject, Wyatt?
Wyatt: Just trying to make this a happy trip, dear.
Susan: Well, quit it!

Quote from the episode The Bachelor Party Corrosion

Wyatt: I've been sitting on a little news myself.
Penny: Well, what is it?
Wyatt: You know that rototiller I got for the tractor?
Penny: No.
Wyatt: Oh, you should see it. It is a beautiful piece of machinery. Anyway, uh, I backed over your pet pig with it.
Penny: Moondance?
Wyatt: Yeah, he's, uh, not dancing anymore.
Penny: You killed my pig?
Wyatt: I did not kill him. The vet took care of that.
Penny: When?
Wyatt: Oh, ten, twelve months ago.
Penny: You didn't tell me for a year?
Wyatt: Well, apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Love ya, slugger. Gotta go.

Quote from the episode The Donation Oscillation

Wyatt: But besides all that, being your dad is the best thing ever happened to me.
Penny: What about Randall and Lisa?
Wyatt: They're okay.

Quote from the episode The Donation Oscillation

Leonard: Hey, I decided to not go through with this Zack and Marissa thing.
Penny: Really? But you were so excited about it.
Leonard: I know. But, um, I think I was just fooling myself. I would be heartbroken if I had a kid out there and I wasn't his dad.
Penny: I know you would.
Leonard: Yeah. So, that thing you wanted to do last night, I'm available.
Wyatt: I got real good hearing there, stud.

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