Quotes from ‘The Conjugal Conjecture’

The Conjugal Conjecture

'The Conjugal Conjecture' - Season 10, Episode 1

On the day of Leonard and Penny's second wedding ceremony, there's an awkward morning after for Sheldon and Leonard as they fret about how Mary and Alfred returned to their hotel together. Meanwhile, Penny's family comes to town for the wedding, but it's a stressful time for Penny's mother, Susan, who is worried about how her family will be perceived because of her son Randall's criminal history.

Air Date: September 19, 2016.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Sheldon: Why do people cry at weddings?
Mary Cooper: They're practicing for what's coming later.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: I now pronounce you husband and wife. And weird other husband who came with the apartment.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Did that conversation include the phrase "your genitals are a joy to behold"?
Alfred Hofstadter: Look, I promise you, neither I, nor anyone, has ever said that.
Leonard: You don't know his girlfriend very well.
Sheldon: Or what a joy it is to behold my genitals.

Quote from Penny

Sheldon: Do you think your father's doing unspeakable things to my mother?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?
Penny: Your parents are old. Anything unspeakable was finished by 9:30.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So, did you defile my mother or not?

Quote from Sheldon

Beverly Hofstadter: I don't see why I should have to watch your father parade around with some Bible-thumping bumpkin.
Sheldon: Oh. Excuse me, that is my mother you're talking about, however accurately.

Quote from Howard

Raj: Can we take a moment to discuss that I just lied to the government for you?
Howard: Yeah, I would not have done that for you.

Randall: You know, It's hard to believe I've never met Leonard.
Wyatt: Well, he probably buys his illegal drugs from a local vendor.
Susan: Not funny, Wyatt.
Penny: I thought it was really funny.
Wyatt: Thanks.

Susan: Very nice, Wyatt. And you wonder why this one turned out the way he did.
Randall: You see what I've gotta put up with.
Susan: What you've gotta put up with? Why did you have to go to jail?
Randall: It's called getting caught, Mother!

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Love is patient, but it's not gonna put up with all the side chatter, so let's knock it off!
Howard: At least she's yelling at someone else for a change.
Bernadette: Howard!

Quote from Penny

Penny: Okay, I understand everyone's a little tense today, so I am just gonna get to the important stuff. Leonard, standing here with you in front of our family and friends is bringing up a lot of feelings. Like what a good idea it was to elope the first time. But also how incredibly happy you make me. Thank you for marrying me. Hopefully for the last time.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Penny, as a scientist, my job is to figure out why things happen. But I don't think I'll ever understand how someone like me could get to be with someone like you. You know maybe I don't need to understand it, I just need to be grateful. I love you, Penny.

Susan: Penny, I don't know what I was worried about. Your friends are just lovely.
Penny: Oh, thanks, Mom.
Susan: Although that Sheldon is a bit peculiar.
Penny: Is he? I never noticed.
Wyatt: He reminds me of that turkey we had who drowned looking up at the rain.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Leonard? Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You realize you and I could become brothers.
Leonard: We're not gonna be brothers. We're not gonna be step brothers. Go to sleep.
Sheldon: I hope you're right. 'Cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother's wife is weird.

Quote from Sheldon

Alfred Hofstadter:: If I may, I can assure you, your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.
Sheldon: Did that conversation include the phrase "your genitals are a joy to behold"?

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: That's great, now they know where I live.
Raj: What are you talking about? They've always known where you live.
Bernadette: Yeah, if you want to go off the grid, you have to move out of your mother's house.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You know, also, if they did have coitus, we'll all be needing a skilled psychiatrist.

Quote from Howard

Raj: It is funny when you think about it.
Howard: Maybe to you. You didn't get a $500 traffic ticket.
Bernadette: Because you were driving like a lunatic.
Howard: Hey, if thinking secret government agents are chasing you makes you a lunatic, then yeah, okay.

Penny: So, uh, Randall, can't believe after all these years you finally get to visit me in California.
Randall: Well, good thing I was a nonviolent offender, otherwise I couldn't have left the state.

Susan: All right, that's enough jail talk.
Randall: Penny knows where I was; she sent me cigarettes.
Susan: You sent your brother cigarettes?
Wyatt: He was cooking and selling crystal meth, Susan. I think we can let the cigarettes slide.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Hey, make sure you tell him that you weren't home when he came by and that your Indian friend gave you the message the moment you stepped through the door.

Quote from Raj

Howard: Okay, sure, I can meet with you on Thursday. Caltech is fine. Yeah, and may I ask what this is about? (laughs) I may not?
Raj: (To Bernadette) That's what he said to me!

Beverly Hofstadter: You're not seriously going to visit each other.
Alfred Hofstadter: And why wouldn't we?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh please, you're just saying this to antagonize me.
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that's just a bonus.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Mary, I'm sorry you're in the middle of this.
Mary Cooper: No, no, nothing to be sorry about. I genuinely like your father.
Sheldon: What? But he's a mediocre academic. And according to Beverly, his sexual prowess is subpar. He's basically Leonard with a bigger prostate.

Wyatt: So how's the world of pharmaceuticals treating you?
Penny: Pretty good. I actually just got assigned a much better territory.
Susan: See what happens when you work hard?
Randall: Hey, she just sells drugs. I had to make 'em.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sheldon, they haven't done anything wrong. I think it's nice they're hitting it off.
Sheldon: Well, that's still no reason to rush into anything. Look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn't even hold hands for two years.
Amy: It was a lot hotter than it sounds.

Quote from Sheldon

Alfred Hofstadter: You're a patient young lady.
Sheldon: Hey, hey! She's mine! Take a cold shower, grandpa!

Quote from Raj

Raj: What's the worst that could come of this meeting?
Howard: I don't know. They take the invention away, and I get nothing?
Raj: Okay, that's not so bad. You know what happened to the scientists that worked on the Manhattan Project? The government forced them to move to the desert. They had to live in secret, and when Oppenheimer objected to what they made him do, they destroyed his reputation.
Howard: What's the point of that story?
Raj: I just read a book about Oppenheimer, seemed like a chance to show off.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Wyatt: It's nice to meet the woman who raised this fine young man. I'm looking forward to meeting his father.
Beverly Hofstadter: Prepare to be disappointed.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: Nice to see you again, Dr. Hofstadter. I'm, uh, Leonard's friend, Stuart.
Beverly Hofstadter: Nice to see you, too.
Stuart: Hi, I'm Stuart.
Alfred Hofstadter: Ooh, I'm Alfred, Leonard's father.
Stuart: Oh! Oh, hi. Uh, I'm sorry, did you two want to sit together?
Beverly Hofstadter: No!
Alfred Hofstadter: No!
Stuart: I was wondering why the front row was available.

Wyatt: Welcome to the family, Leonard. Don't lend your new brother-in-law money.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Not just Leonard and Penny's love, but the love we have for them, as well as each other.
Sheldon: Speaking of love, STDs among the elderly are skyrocketing.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Anybody have anything snarky to say about that? Didn't think so.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Leonard You and I have our ups and downs. But I have always considered you my family. Even before the recent threat of our parents fornicating like wrinkly old rabbits. I don't always show it, but you are of great importance to me. Both of you.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: There's a lot of traffic. Are we gonna be okay?
Amy: You'll be at the airport an hour before your flight.
Mary Cooper: Good. Thank you.
Sheldon: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.
Mary Cooper: Hey, I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Amy: Sheldon, you're mother's an attractive woman. You need to get used to the fact that men are going to be interest in her.
Sheldon: Well, and you need to drive the car and mind your business.
Amy: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: What- you're not my mother.
Mary Cooper: Don't you be disrespectful to her.
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.
Mary Cooper: You'll get there. You've just gotta put some zing on it.

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: Oh, hey, and do yourself a favor, all right? When Beverly gets here, do not bring up last night.
All right? As far as you're concerned, you don't know anything, you didn't see anything. I want you just to play dumb.
*Beverly is standing in the doorway behind Penny, listening to the conversation*
Sheldon: It was nice of her to show us playing dumb with an example.

Quote from Sheldon

Beverly Hofstadter: Penny, wait.
Penny: Why?
Beverly Hofstadter: I wanted to thank you for going through all the trouble of planning a second wedding ceremony for me, but unfortunately I cannot attend.
Leonard: Wait, why? What's wrong?
Sheldon: Wha- Are we still doing the dumb thing? Okay, why, what's wrong?

Quote from Sheldon

Beverly Hofstadter: I just cannot stay here while your father goes out of his way to humiliate me.
Sheldon: Oh, golly, however did he humiliate you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Stop it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Do I say "Stop what?" or just throw in the towel?

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Leonard: Mother, Penny and I really want you to be part of this. Please stay.
Penny: Yeah, plus if you leave, Alfred will know he got under your skin.
Beverly Hofstadter: (slowly thinks about it) Well, we can't have that.

Quote from Raj

Colonel Williams: Hello. I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.
Raj: Howard Wolowitz?
Colonel Williams: I have the right address, don't I?
Raj: Address?
Colonel Williams: Is he here?
Raj: Um, no.
Colonel Williams: Do you know where I can find him?
Raj: May I ask what this is about?
Colonel Williams: No, you may not.
Raj: Very well. (tips his hat)
Colonel Williams: Have him call me.
Raj: Okay.
(Colonel Williams starts to walk away)
Howard: (off-screen) Raj, who's at the door?
Raj: (To Colonel Williams) That's not him.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Oh, I can't wait for you to meet everyone. I told them all about you.
Susan: Like what? Do they know about your brother?
Penny: Uh, not everything. Just, like, the jail and drugs part.

Susan: Why would you do that?
Penny: What?
Susan: The world doesn't need to know our problems.
Penny: Well, Mom, I'm sorry, but-
Wyatt: Hey, look, they got Walgreens here, too.
Susan: You really think it's helpful to change the subject, Wyatt?
Wyatt: Just trying to make this a happy trip, dear.
Susan: Well, quit it!

Quote from Howard

Howard: Uh, this is Howard Wolowitz for Colonel Richard Williams.
Raj: Oh, I take it back, don't mention me.
Howard: Hi, Colonel Williams, how can I help you? What? Oh, uh, yes, he is from India. No, I don't know his immigration status. (Raj looks panicked.)
Howard: (To Raj) Relax, I'm still on hold!

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: I'm glad you decided to stay. It's gonna be special for Penny and me to share this with you.
Beverly Hofstadter: I can't wait for this day to be over.
Leonard: Yeah, special, like that.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: That's them. Please don't make things any more awkward than they already are.
Sheldon: All right, so less or equally awkward, got it.

Penny: Listen, Mom, I know you're nervous, but I promise you, no one is gonna judge you or this family.
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry. It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents for the first time, and-and they're academics and-and intellectuals, and I don't want them thinking we're white trash.
Randall: Well, what color trash do you think they'll believe?

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Until we get married a third time, you guys will never have to see each other again.
Alfred Hofstadter: Well, you know, actually that's not the case. Mary may visit me in New York.
Mary Cooper: Mm-hmm. And he's never been to Texas.
Alfred Hofstadter: Maybe we meet halfway.
Sheldon: In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can't be the only one that knows that's halfway.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Are you saying that my dad's not good enough for your mom?
Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

Quote from Penny

Susan: No more drug talk for the rest of this trip.
Wyatt: I'll drink to that.
Susan: Haven't you had enough?
Wyatt: Penny drinks more than I do.
Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
Wyatt: Aw! (Penny and Wyatt clink their beer bottles together)

Quote from Raj

Raj: There he is! There's my happy Hebraic homeboy. Yeah, that's the smile I'm gonna remember when you're living in the desert and I'm living with your wife.

Beverly Hofstadter: So, what do you do for a living?
Randall: Mommy, you want to take this one?
Susan: Um, Randall's in between jobs.
Randall: (whispering) And court appearances.

Susan: Thank you for cleaning yourself up for your sister's wedding.
Randall: Thank you for my new teeth.

Bernadette: We're here today to celebrate love.
(Beverly sighs loudly)
Alfred Hofstadter: Sigh louder, no one heard you!

Alfred Hofstadter: I'd like to say something. Beverly, I know that we don't bring out the best in each other. But something wonderful did come from our relationship, that young man right there.
Beverly Hofstadter: I couldn't agree more.
Stuart: (tearing up) That's beautiful.

Quote from Leonard

Beverly Hofstadter: Thank you for taking us to the airport.
Leonard: Hey, I'm just thrilled we're all getting along for a minute.
Alfred Hofstadter: Yeah, me, too. Beverly, I'm sorry if I upset you.
Beverly Hofstadter: Water under the bridge, Alfred. Leonard, why don't you get into the carpool lane?
Alfred Hofstadter: Well, that's a solid line. He can't cross it.
Leonard: That's okay. I can make it over.
Beverly Hofstadter: No, no, let's plod along. It'll make your father feel more comfortable.
Alfred Hofstadter: What makes me comfortable is knowing I don't have to wake up tomorrow morning and see your sour face.
Beverly Hofstadter: Do the world a favor, and don't wake up tomorrow morning.
Leonard: That was almost a minute.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Okay, Beverly, aren't you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap.
Sheldon: And turned their phones off.
Leonard: Not helping, buddy!

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: It didn't help that you couldn't walk a straight line when the cop pulled you over.
Howard: I have performance anxiety. You of all people should know that.

Susan: Well, fine, if everyone wants to make jokes about our problems, then I can, too. Knock, knock.
Who's there? Our family is an embarrassment.
Randall: That's not much of a joke.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hang on, hang on! We're smart, we can figure this out. Okay, so: Mary and Beverly can't be together. Uh, Alfred and Beverly can't be together. Leonard and I can't be together. Now, I could be with Alfred but I don't like his face.

Susan: Oh, Leonard! It's so nice to see you again!
Leonard: Oh, you, too! Hey, everyone, this is my mother, Beverly.
Beverly: Hello.
Susan: Hi.
Randall: We are not white trash!

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Are you excited to see your son walk down the aisle?
Alfred Hofstadter: Yes, I am. I'm just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I've caused.
Mary Cooper: Oh, so am I.
Sheldon: You made God sad today, Mom.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Why wouldn't that colonel say what the meeting's about? It has to be bad news.
Raj: Calm down, okay? Try not to think about it.
Howard: That's really stupid advice.
Raj: You know that hurts my feelings.
Howard: Calm down, try not to think about it.
Raj: (upbeat) Okay.

Leonard: Can I get anyone a drink?
Wyatt: Well, I could use another beer.
Susan: (loudly) You're done! (softly) He's done.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary Cooper: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?
Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You're kind of a sucker.

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