Stuart: I also love how you never use swear words.
Sheldon: You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without 'em.

Sheldon: Stuart, wait. I do know what it feels like to be left out.
Bert: I know how it feels, too.
Sheldon: All right, this is about me and him; you're not part of it.

Sheldon: So until Amy's apartment is fixed, she and I are living here together.
Bert: I lived with my old girlfriend. She was a geologist, too.
Amy: Things didn't work out?
Bert: I came home from work one day and she had taken everything. I'm warning you, hide your good rocks.

Penny: Hey, have you ever heard of the Van Nuys Comic-Con?
Leonard: Yeah, it's a dinky little convention where they sell collectibles and get sad D-list celebrities to appear. Why?
Penny: I got asked to sign autographs there.
Leonard: That's awesome! Is this for Serial Ape-ist?
Penny: Well, it could be for the monkey movie. It could be my hemorrhoid commercial. The list does not go on.

Amy: There's nothing to be afraid of, Sheldon.
Sheldon: The average cork speed is 25 miles per hour. If that is too fast around a school, it is certainly too fast around a kitchen.
Amy: Been 15 minutes. Just sayin'.
Sheldon: Okay, I can do this. Just give me a moment. (Cork pops and Sheldon shrieks) Oh! Mimosas coming up.

Leonard: You'll have nerds fawning all over you. If you don't love that, this marriage is in trouble.

Guy #2: Is she just with you because you're rich?
Leonard: She makes more money than I do!

Bernadette: Hey, where you been?
Howard: Oh, we went and did a little shopping for the baby.
Raj: Wait till you see the crib we found.
Bernadette: You bought a crib without me?
Howard: You're gonna love it.
Raj: Yeah. It's the highest rated one on the market. I wouldn't even call it a crib. I'd call it a Fortress of Solitude for babies.

Sheldon: Help me out here. This is not where I shine.
Amy: Stuart, you know you're one of our favorite people.
Sheldon: Okay, now, see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false. I'm glad we did this test run. These brunches are wild!

Stuart: Really, no one else is coming?
Sheldon: Oh, this is it. You are the practice round.
Stuart: Practice round? For-for what?
Amy: Uh, no. He just means that you were the first people we thought of.
Sheldon: You know, exactly. We've never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.
Stuart: So, I'm like a lab rat before your real friends come over?
Sheldon: You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry.

Howard: What was I thinking? Wolowitzes are not a lifting people. We tip the lifting people!

Bernadette: Do we really have to sit for hours in the emergency room? They're just gonna give you ice and Advil like last time.
Howard: You're gonna feel terrible when I'm in a wheelchair. Which, by the way, would fit easily in the back of this award-winning minivan.
Bernadette: Fine, we'll go to the E.R. Just stop selling me on the van.
Howard: You're right. It sells itself.

Bert: This is the best blintz I've ever had.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Bert: It almost makes up for the incredibly awkward turn things took earlier.

Stuart: You know what, I think I'm just gonna go.
Amy: No, Stuart, don't.
Stuart: No, I consider you and Sheldon like my family, and I'm not even sure you think of me as a friend. You have any idea how that feels?
Amy: We're so sorry.
Stuart: I'm always the last one anybody thinks of.
Sheldon: Well, no, that's not true. I mean, sometimes it's Koothrappali. But we're not supposed to say that 'cause he's a minority.

Bernadette: I don't want to drive that. It's such a mom car.
Howard: The guy at the dealership said they're not just for moms anymore.
Raj: Then again, he did think you were my husband.
Bernadette: They thought it at the ultrasound. Why not at the car dealership?

Bernadette: You bought a minivan?!
Howard: It's for the baby, and I didn't buy it. The dealer loaned it to me for a 24-hour test drive.
Raj: Though we did ding up the back pretty good with the crib, so you might have bought a minivan.

Sheldon: Let's say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, yeah, is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it's not a West Coast party, 'cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don't stop.

Sheldon: You expressed an interest in having people over, and I feel I dismissed it too quickly. So, I took matters into my own hands, and I arranged a brunch.
Amy: Well, that's so nice. Who's coming?
Sheldon: Oh, uh, Stuart, Bert from the geology lab, and Mrs. Petrescu from downstairs.
Amy: You mean the Romanian lady on the second floor?
Sheldon: Yes. Oh, fun story: she grew up with ten siblings. Or possibly penguins. Her English is atrocious.
Amy: That's an odd mix of people.
Sheldon: Well, for our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practiced for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.
Amy: You never went into that haunted house.
Sheldon: You never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.

Penny: Leonard, it's sweet you're excited about this, but it'll be a miracle if one person asks for my autograph.
Leonard: Are you kidding? I once paid $20 for Theo Sassler's signature.
Penny: Who's that?
Leonard: Oh, I don't even know. I just liked his name. Theo Sassler!

Bernadette: Howie, we have time to do all that stuff.
Howard: Do we? Look at you. Willy Wonka would roll you to the juicing room.
Bernadette: The next person kicking you will be me.

Howard: Oh, God, we are not ready to have an infant in this house! We don't have a crib, we don't have diapers. We're not baby-proofed. Anyone can just walk in off the street and lift our toilet lids!

Stuart: You know what I love about you?
Sheldon: Hmm?
Stuart: You never leave the house without a paper clip!
Sheldon: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.

Howard: Oh, I mean, I know you're pregnant. I just never connected the idea of pregnancy and you actually having a baby.
Bernadette: Which MIT did you go to?

Amy: You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over.
Sheldon: We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.

Howard: Are we there yet?!
Bernadette: Soon.
Howard: Why is it taking so long?!
Raj: Howard, Howard, look at the DVD screen. I put on Batman: The Animated Series. Your favorite!
Howard: I'm in too much pain (Batman music starts playing) to watch cartoo-- Oh! This is a good one.
Raj: I've been babysitting him way longer than you have.

Amy: Well, thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise.
Sheldon: Oh, well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I'm great at surprises.
Amy: Well, that's not a surprise at all. I mean, if I knew you were good at surprises, I would have expected the surprise, and therefore not have been surprised. But as it is, I didn't know, and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.
Sheldon: Don't get me all randy. Guests are on the way.

Leonard: And that is how a short asthmatic scientist landed a stone-cold fox.

Sheldon: Do you know what else I love about you?
Stuart: Hmm?
Sheldon: Your handwriting is impeccable!
Stuart: Thank you for noticing!
Sheldon: No, I mean it. I mean it. It's like you have the soul of a label maker.

Guy #2: Ready to go?
Guy: Hang on. This guy's telling me how he got the Serial Ape-ist girl to marry him.
Guy #2: This guy? But he's wearing a change maker.
Penny: I think it's hot.
Leonard: That's right. I'm her change daddy.

Howard: Look at you. Willy Wonka would roll you to the juicing room.

Howard: If childbirth is half this bad, you are so screwed!

Sheldon: You know, in fact, I'd like to propose a toast. To Stuart. A fine man, a good friend and a wonderful guest.
Bert: Hear, hear.
Amy: Cheers.
Mrs. Petrescu: Cheers. Filmed before a live studio audience.

Guy: But how did you get her to go out with you?
Leonard: Well, she moved in across the hall.
Penny: And he started to slowly wear me down.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. Like a river carves a canyon.
Penny: Yeah, except the river kept showing me his Pokemon cards.

Guy: I didn't know you can propose to the same person so many times.
Leonard: The third time, I did it in skywriting, but she never looked up.
Penny: You know, once, I proposed to him.
Leonard: Yeah. I said no.
Guy #2: Why?
Leonard: I just wanted to make her work for it.
Penny: Yeah, that's gonna cost you later.

Bert: I once left orange juice in my fridge so long, it tasted like a mimosa.
Amy: How old was it?
Bert: It's hard to say. I don't remember much after I drank it.

Mrs. Petrescu: My sister's husband took all her things, too. Story at 11:00.

Raj: Hey, show her the trunk! Show her the trunk!
Howard: Imagine this: you've got the baby in one hand, groceries in the other, and you're thinking, "How am I gonna open this trunk?"
Bernadette: I'm probably thinking, "Where's my husband, and why isn't he helping me?"
Howard: You don't need my help when you can open the trunk with a simple kick of the foot.
Raj: No, it's a gentle kick; you're doing it wrong.

Guy: Hi. I like your movies.
Penny: Thank you!
Guy: I saw both of them.
Penny: I assume we're still talking about the movies, but after today, who knows.

Leonard: Should've punched that guy.
Penny: Well, go ahead. He's right over there.
Leonard: Why do you do that? Can't you let me have my moment?

Penny: What's your name?
Jeff: Jeff.
Penny: Okay.
Jeff: My favorite part is your shower scene.
Penny: Been hearing that a lot today.
Jeff: I even have a screen grab on my phone.
Penny: Yep, there they are.

Stuart: So, what did I miss?
Bert: Eh, we watched Sheldon try to open a bottle for 15 minutes.
Mrs. Petrescu: 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insurance.

Sheldon: Would you like one, Mrs. Petrescu?
Mrs. Petrescu: Yes. Drink is fun and good friends - Applebee's.
Sheldon: She's learning English from TV.
Mrs. Petrescu: TV, good. Now back to you.

Leonard: Never been on this side of the table before. I feel powerful.
Penny: Really? I feel like I'm selling candy so our team can get new uniforms.

Bernadette: Sounds expensive.
Howard: Okay, well, I may have gone a bit overboard, but you can't put a price on safety.
Raj: Though if you did, it's more zeroes than you're expecting.

Leonard: Oh, and look at this. I even got a change maker. How much change you want, little lady?
Penny: Oh, there's so much I want to change.
Leonard: Yeah, well, if it's a dollar, you're in luck.

Leonard: Wow! An appearance by George Lucas's ... dermatologist. Oh, I want that autograph.
Penny: Oh, yeah.

Howard: There's a baby in there.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, that's where I put it.

Daniel: I love your movie.
Penny: Well, thanks.
Daniel: It has got to be one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.
Penny: Your love confuses me.
Leonard: Would you like an autograph?
Daniel: Sure.
Penny: Okay, who do I make it out to?
Daniel: Daniel.
Penny: Okay.
Daniel: I have to ask. Were you trying to be that bad, or are you just a terrible actress?
Penny: That did not clear things up.

Amy: Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away.
Sheldon: Oh, calm down. I already put away five of these (Mimosas)! (To Stuart) You see? No muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.