Bernadette: (To Sheldon) I can't imagine you being violent.
Leonard: It's not hard. Just picture the Three Stooges, and then take away two stooges.

Sheldon: I'm so disappointed in myself. Jealousy is completely illogical.
Raj: It's a human emotion, Sheldon. Everyone gets jealous. I'm jealous of Leonard and Penny and Howard and Bernadette for being in such happy relationships.
Amy: What about me and Sheldon?
Raj: Sure.

Leonard: I've always been jealous of how much money Raj's family has.
Raj: Thank you for saying that. Next to buying things, that is the best part about having money.

Sheldon: Bert, we need to talk.
Bert: What happened to you?
Sheldon: Rock, rock, water fountain.

Bert: Well, you know, we're both pretty smart. I bet if we put our heads together, we could come up with a solution.
Sheldon: Well, hang on. You're my enemy. Now, the enemy of the enemy is my friend. And right now, I'm my own worst enemy. That makes you my fr-- Okay, I'm good to go.

Amy: How can you feel bad if Stephen Hawking says you're brilliant?
Sheldon: I can't. Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in.
Stephen Hawking: I always thought a motorized toy of me would be cool.
Sheldon: What a wonderful idea! How does this man not have a Nobel?
Leonard: (To Amy) Do not tell Wolowitz.
Amy: Way ahead of you.

Amy: Ever since I met Penny, I've been envious of her looks.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Amy: That's why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.
Penny: What?!
Amy: You know what I mean. You were still hot, but more like a "why'd that hot girl cut off all her hair?" hot.
Penny: You liked my short hair, right?
Leonard: (unconvincingly) Yeah I loved it. Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.

Howard: I've worked with Hawking. He's got a great sense of humor. And I think he'd like it.
Bernadette: Okay, call him and show him. I dare you.
Howard: I have no problem calling him.
Bernadette: Fine, then do it.
Howard: Fine, I will.
Bernadette: While you're bothering the world's most famous scientist, be sure to show him how funny he looks getting stuck under our dishwasher.

Howard: You busy? There's somebody out here who wants to meet you.
Bernadette: Who is it?
Howard: Say hello to everybody's little friend, remote control Stephen Hawking!
Bernadette: Where did you get that?
Howard: I found him in an old box.
Bernadette: Why would you buy it?
Howard: I didn't buy it. I made it.
Bernadette: Last question. What is wrong with you?

Leonard: It's always fun watching him read someone else's work.
*Sheldon grimaces as he's reading Bert's paper*
Penny: It's like scrolling through the emojis on my phone.

Amy: Sheldon, it's foolish to be angry that Bert's work has merit.
Sheldon: Yeah, well I am angry! And you telling me not to be angry makes me angry! And do you know how hearing myself say the word angry over and over makes me feel?
Penny: (raises her hand) Ooh, angry?
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: I knew the answer. I got excited.

Leonard: Hey, buddy, why don't we go for a walk, so you can calm down.
Sheldon: That's a good idea. I guess everyone's having them now.
Leonard: Hey, I'm trying to help you.
Sheldon: Fine. You can walk ahead of me and scare off the pigeons.
Leonard: (To the girls) You just wave your arms a little and they fly away, it's not--

Howard: Okay, Raj, I'm gonna show you something. Now, one of us thinks it's offensive. The other thinks it's hilarious and a great idea. But, I'm not going to tell you who likes it.
(Howard demonstrates Remote Control Stephen Hawking)
Raj: This is tough. But I'm going to say it's the guy who shows me YouTube videos of people getting hit in the nuts.

Sheldon: Leonard, I'm having a primal urge to throw this rock.
Leonard: Do it. Visualize it as your anger and toss it out of your life.
Sheldon: Perhaps I will. This rock encapsulates all my negative emotions. I will cast you far away. Feel free to take out a pigeon while you're at it.
Leonard: Let it fly.

Amy: You know, Sheldon, instead of fixating on what Bert has, you should appreciate all of the good things in your life. You've got love, you're in good health, you've got a roof over your head.
Sheldon: Yeah, but you've got all those things, and no one's lining up to be you.
Amy: Anybody else want to try? I'm gonna go make some more tea and question my life choices.