Penny: No, I've been reading Bernadette's parenting book. It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test.

Leonard: It's fine, I've been driving him for years. What's one more day?
Sheldon: Oh, and I've got a new car game we can play. It's called "What siren am I?"

Raj: This is great, the two of us hanging out. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Sheldon: Agreed. I don't need Amy to watch a movie. I can not hold your hand just as easily.
(Sheldon starts the movie)
Sheldon: In the book this is based on, that man's the killer.

Sheldon: All right, you ready for your next one? Just a warning, this one's a little annoying. (imitates a high-pitched siren)
Leonard: Let's take a little little break, I'm getting a headache.
Sheldon: Aw, right in the middle of our fun game.
Leonard: Yeah, weird.

Sheldon: She's going to be home at "eight-ish." Like, when is that? 8:01? 8:02? And what kind of scientist uses "-ish"?

Sheldon: I got you a little something to help you relax.
Amy: Sheldon, that is the sweetest, most- What what is this?
Sheldon: The notes from our quantum cognition project. I thought we could spend the evening grinding away on it.
Amy: (sighs) I just got home, I'm tired.
Sheldon: Of Howard, I know. So how about you and me make some beautiful science together?
Amy: Sheldon, I want to work on this with you, just not tonight. What if we get up early and do it in the morning? I promise, I'll be way more into it.
Sheldon: You know what? There was a time that you would've been happy to stay up and collaborate all night with me. And then wake up in the morning and do it some more.
Amy: (sighs) Fine, but can we make it quick?
Sheldon: No. If you're just gonna make me do all the work, then go to bed. But don't be surprised if you walk out here and catch me doing it myself.

Bernadette: At least he can still clean the oven, so that's something.
Sheldon: Oh, that's what he thinks. Where's your steel wool?
Bernadette: (picks it up from her lap) Right here.
Sheldon: We make quite the team.
Bernadette: Sure do!

Penny: Now, why don't you go wash up, and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
Sheldon: Okay. (Sheldon leaves)
Leonard: (surprised) What did you do? Are you a witch?

Leonard: That's amazing.
Penny: I know. But, you know, it's only birth to five. What do we do when he turns six?
Leonard: Take him to the zoo and leave him there.

Amy: What's with the blinking?
Sheldon: It's Morse code. So we can talk about without hurting --'s feelings.
Amy: Sheldon, I don't know Morse code.
Howard: I do. And if you have something to say, you can say it to my face.

Raj: I used to have the stuffed raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy, but Cinnamon licked it raw.
Howard: There's a time and place for your randy dog stories, and it's never and nowhere.

Howard: So this is it?
Amy: Yes. We are using it to map brain wave patterns and then converting them into electrical impulses that can be used to control anything from wheelchairs to robots.
Howard: Based on that ring on your finger, I'd say you're pretty good at controlling robots.
Amy: Careful, that's my fiance you're talking about. And I can program him to hurt you.

Bernadette: Did you do the laundry?
Sheldon: I sure did. Ooh, he's gonna be steamed. Just like his dress shirts.

Leonard: Ahh, Sheldon's texting me to drive him to Bernadette's.
Penny: Well, what are you gonna say?
Leonard: Well, they did just introduce the middle finger emoji. If it's not for this, I don't know what it's for.

Penny: Maybe there's something in the book that will help.
Leonard: Worth a shot.
Penny: Okay. Let's see, let's see. "Biting other children"?
Leonard: Well, sometimes, but problem for another day.

Raj: Hey, what are you working on?
Bernadette: Oh, my God, you're still here?
Raj: Well, of course I'm here. I know what you're going through.
Bernadette: Really? You have a needy Indian man in your house?
Raj: I did, but then he came over here.

Amy: Oh, that's Sheldon. Oh, he's upset with Leonard and Penny. (phone whooshes) And Bernadette. (phone whooshes) And Mark Twain?

Bernadette: What do you want?
Sheldon: I just wish I could make Howard feel as angry as I'm feeling.
Bernadette: Well, maybe you could do something he likes and make him jealous.
Sheldon: Like what?
Bernadette: Have you ever read Tom Sawyer?
Sheldon: No.
Bernadette: Chores. He likes chores.
Sheldon: Ooh. What kind of chores?
Bernadette: Well, you could change the batteries in the smoke detectors. That would drive him crazy.
Sheldon: That's great. Oh, he'll be so mad smoke will be coming out of his ears. And then the smoke detectors will detect it.

Raj: I stopped by to see if you wanted to go to the movies with me.
Howard: Well, I'd love to, but we're just about to test the interface. It could take a while.
Raj: Okay, buddy, it-- it's not my place, but Bernadette's been feeling a little abandoned with all the hours that you've been putting in.
Amy: You just asked him to go to the movies.
Raj: Yeah, but our weird relationship was grandfathered into their marriage, and yours was not.

Raj: What are you talking about? Howard hates doing chores.
Sheldon: Wait, then why would Bernadette tell me that - (gasps) Bernadette. Did you play on my well established gullibility to clean your house?
Bernadette: Sure did.
Sheldon: Well, I would storm out of here, but I already have the gloves and the steel wool, and I really do love cleaning an oven.

Penny: Yeah, that is a good point. I'm really proud of the way you're able to express your feelings.
Sheldon: Thank you. I'm just so angry.
Penny: You know, everyone gets angry. Even mommies and daddies.

Bernadette: Oh, and, Penny, she kinda threw up on your stuffed bear.
Penny: Oh, that's okay.
Leonard: Hey. That's an Ewok and it's mine.
Penny: Yeah, which is why it's okay.

Leonard: You're not jealous of Howard, are you?
Sheldon: Of course not. The only engineer I'm jealous of is the one who blows the train whistle. Ooh, that just gave me an idea for a new game, "What whistle am I?"
Leonard: Train.
Sheldon: For your information, it was going to be tea kettle, but the tea kettle was on a train, so I'll give it to you.

Howard: If we add phase detection to your EEG sensors, I'll have to rewrite most of the code.
Amy: Can you do that?
Howard: Well, these hands were made to do three things: close-up magic, writing code, and the dirty shadow puppet show that got me kicked out of Hebrew school.

Sheldon: (imitates a siren wailing)
Leonard: I don't know. Uh, French police?
Sheldon: Oh, so close. Belgian ambulance.

Sheldon: What makes you think you can treat me like a child?
Leonard: Your shampoo comes in a Big Bird bottle.
Sheldon: That's because the adult shampoo burns my man eyes.

Amy: So, Howard, are you interested?
Howard: Are you kidding? If I could control robot arms with my brain, I'd be able to do so many things.
Sheldon: Really? Because you've been controlling human arms with your brain for years and not much has come of it.

Bernadette: Howard's not here.
Raj: Oh, I know, he's been in the lab every night this week with his work wife.
Bernadette: That's weird, I thought his work wife was standing in my kitchen.

Leonard: You can't think this is the right time to "validate his behavior."
Penny: Okay, what about "presenting a united front"?
Leonard: What about you coddling him and he's never gonna learn?
Penny: Look, you sound frustrated, and I'm really proud of the way you're able to state your opinion.
Leonard: Thank you. Wait, no, no. Don't use that book on me!

Leonard: Hey, what you reading?
Penny: A parenting book.
Leonard: Oh, my God. Are-are we?
Penny: Wha-- No! You think this is how I would tell you?
Leonard: Well (stammering) ... you're sitting there with a book. It felt like anything was possible.

Raj: You say you're busy as bees, yet here you are, dancing. Although I suppose bees do dance, but their dance lets other bees know where the pollen is, and yours does not. So my logic, despite that slight detour, does track.

Howard: She was talking about me, Sheldon. I'm perfectly qualified.
Bernadette: Yeah, Howie's the world's best engineer. It says so right on his coffee mug.
Penny: Aw, you got him a mug?
Raj: I did. But it's not a competition.
Bernadette: Yeah, I lost that battle years ago.

Penny: Okay, what is going on?
Sheldon: Well, ever since Amy started working with Howard, she hasn't been home.
Penny: Didn't that just start this morning?
Sheldon: And has she been home?

Leonard: I'll give it a go. My ride home with you was hellish.

Howard: Amy, your lab is amazing. A C-arm fluoroscope, a cranial ultrasound, (gasps), and look at that coffee maker!
Amy: I know. On our expense report, I listed it as "Eduardo", my Colombian lab assistant.

Howard: You think that's impressive, take apart that brain model.
Amy: Oh my God, three of clubs. That was my card! How did you?
Howard: I used to make it appear in my pants, but HR said I had to stop doing that.

Leonard: So Howard and Amy working together, that's interesting, huh?
Sheldon: Eh, it's all right, I suppose. Uh, when- Usually when Amy complains about her coworkers, I just tune her out, but now I'll be able to join in and pound away.

Penny: So is this how it's gonna be if we have kids? You're just gonna throw me under the bus?
Leonard: If you spoil them the way you do Sheldon, then, yeah.
Penny: Uh, my way was working. Okay? I think you're just upset because there are some things I am better than you at.
Leonard: Well, you can't end a sentence with a preposition, so clearly not grammar.
Penny: If you're so smart, was that a smart thing to say?
Leonard: That depends. Before I said it, was sex tonight still on the table?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Then it's fine.

Penny: Bernadette left it here.
Leonard: Yeah? Anything interesting?
Penny: Well, I just saw a picture of a baby's head crowning, so I hope you enjoyed sex, because we're done with that.

Raj: Guys, you won't believe this. I stopped by the university to check in on Howard and Amy, and they were having fun.
Sheldon: Well, don't worry. He won't be having any fun when he gets home. I did all his favorite chores!

Sheldon: See, he gets Ewoks in his bed.
Amy: You've got Chewbacca. That's enough.

Penny: Yeah, no more stories about sex, so, Amy, that brings us to you.
Amy: Well, at work we've been doing some interesting research with neuroprosthetics.
Penny: Neat. I've been rewatching The O.C., so we're all leading productive lives.

Bernadette: Everything's fine. Howard's really excited about his work, he's been in a great mood I'm really proud of him.
Raj: And I can fit into the pants I wore in high school. Come on, we don't need to lie to each other.
Bernadette: You're right. I have a teething baby, I'm pregnant, I have a proposal due tomorrow. I don't have time to hear about how much you're missing my husband.
Raj: Well, I think I know why he's been working so late.

Sheldon: Wait, wait, now, hold on. Why'd you ask me about Tom Sawyer?
Bernadette: I'm just interested in you.
Sheldon: Well, you are sweeter than your applesauce.

Amy: We've been working on a computer interface that can use brain wave patterns to control robotic limbs, but we're having a little trouble localizing the signal from the EEG cap.
Howard: Oh, well, have you thought about adding a phased array of sensors for better localization?
Amy: Actually, that never occurred to me.
Penny: It never occurred to me I would miss the Ewok conversation.
Leonard: Good, because I just bought another one on Amazon.

Sheldon: This whole thing is maddening.
Bernadette: I'm really busy. I don't have time to listen to you complain.
Sheldon: Hey! You're complaining, too. "Sheldon, why are you here?" "Sheldon, the applesauce is for the baby."

Sheldon: And now they're working on a Saturday? Can you believe them? Like, is this how you envisioned your weekend?
Bernadette: No, it is not.

Penny: Here we go. "Let him have ownership of his choices. Allow him to choose from options that are acceptable to you."
Leonard: All right, I'll give it a try. "I can drive you in two hours or you can take an Uber"
Penny: Good. See, now he feels like he has a choice.
Leonard: Huh. (phone chimes) He's gonna take an Uber.
Penny: Wow, it worked.
Leonard: Unless he bites the driver, yeah.

Amy: You know, I could use an engineer on this project.
Sheldon: Well, now, this works out great. Howard's an engineer. I'm sure he knows someone qualified.

Raj: I came to see how you were doing. Like, uh, do you need help with anything?
Bernadette: Oh, thank you. There are a few things around the house that I've been waiting for Howard to get to. The smoke alarms-
Raj: No, I meant emotionally. How are you feeling?
Bernadette: Like you're not really here to help me.

Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Welcome home. How was work?
Amy: Great. Howard had an idea for-
Sheldon: (waving his hand dismissively) That's enough about work.

Sheldon: It is a big deal. Howard's getting Amy used to laughing and listening to music. What if she expects that madness at home?

Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, what's up?
Sheldon: Well, remember how disappointed you were when Amy started driving me to work?
Leonard: Sure, uh, sometimes people smile a big smile of disappointment.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, good news, Amy had to go in early to show Howard around her lab, so you get to drive me.
Penny: Aw, his smile of disappointment has turned into a frown of joy.